It's been a while Part II

Following on from my recent post, I find myself in a different state of mind...Well, partially!

I've had an up and down kind of year thus far. January was a good month; February hit me hard with work issues etc...In fact that was all the way to May, where I was having second thoughts about leaving work and heading off somewhere else. I have had good news, but good news where nothing comes of it. It's a complete mind fuck as I find that the fate of my future at work is in the hands of other people. I can see why Ashley says she needs to be in control of things, and I completely agree - it is difficult to plan your own future when things never come to fruition.

I've decided to take action and just ask where my future lies here, as I do like it here - the people I work with are what keep me going - but I feel like I'm a failure to myself and others, particularly my family. It's coming up to the 11 month mark and I'm still making teas and coffees. But being positive for the moment; I do have my foot in the door. This is it; I'll be laughing when I'm in and doing things more than making teas and coffee. But then again, I'll be shitting myself when the year mark approaches and I'm still nowhere to be seen.

It's been a while

Last publication - 17th October 2007 - holy crap that's a long time. Nearly a year!

Lots of things have been on mind as of late:

Work is becoming more of a chore than a career. Sure I'm where I wanna be but it seems that I'm doing the job, and doing the same job, because I'm good at it, not because it's an "entry position" and will lead me into other positions at the company. I'm finding the whole experience of being one of the longest serving runners to date quite embarrassing - people know who I am and what I'm capable of but they don't say anything (or not to my knowledge). It's starting to hurt me both mentally and physically. I'm suddenly losing my mind - I'm viewing things as numbers, yet can't even do simple division without turning to a calculator to do the math for me. I can't even do my Sudoku anymore because my brain isn't stimulated enough to do it. Either this is my fault for not doing any other activities outside of work, or I'm just so focused on getting my career started at work and it is all I can think about.

I think it's a little bit from column A and a little bit from column B.

If you're part of a running team, teamwork is absolutely necessary! That now seems to have gone out of the window, whereby now it seems like you're fending for yourself. OK, yes, the industry is a bitch to get into, and it's vicious, but does that mean teamwork should be avoiding completely? I'm getting tired of it now, the attitude of some people just grind my gears and it's clear they shouldn't be here.

So, I'm in a state of change now - do I stay or do I go? (Obviously providing I've found a new job!)

I'll post the other things that have been on my mind lately tomorrow evening.

Hope you're all well.

Life is like Lego Bricks

You know what you're building towards, but sometimes you just get plain stuck.

I've been feeling like this for the past few weeks, but I can never understand why I'm suddenly in this position without fighting myself. I'm fucking off the whole update on my life thing because I'm bored of my life. But I shall say - I finally have a job at a post production facility in Soho - yay.

I've been on anti-depressants since February/March - I quit the whole scene of therapy because it only made me feel better for a day and then shit for the rest of the week - and they worked out really well. But since i started this job, I've been too busy to go pick up some more. I've been off them now for sometime and I can feel myself drifting off to other places. My mind is slowly falling apart and I'm struggling to piece it all back together. It's not the first time it has happened, and I doubt it will be the last.

I've not seen my friends who I don't work with for such a long time and I miss them. If you are reading this I do apologise for lack of appearances anytime anything has been planned. I understand this is the working life, and I'm in an industry that deals with working long hours, but sometimes you just need time to yourself before you fucking explode.

I'm gonna leave it at this because my brain has suddenly diverted its attentions to something else. This is how my life is.

I do hope you're all well. Let me know how youa re.

Perhaps it's time for an update

So, here I am in the United States for another Summer, although it won't be as long as my usual Summer trips. Of course, a lot has happened before I came here, judging by my last post on March 1st:

1// I quit therapy after I came back from Hong Kong.
2// After quitting I felt worse, when I thought I was getting all better.
3// By the end of March, I was seeing a doctor to prescribe me some anti-depressants after I had thoughts of wanting to crash my car into another car; I wanted to head to the kitchen and grab a knife; social skills were suddenly going pear shaped and I was losing track of not only myself, but my friends and family.
4// I'm still on anti-depressants and I think I'm a lot better than I've ever been. It's been hard for my mum to cope with it - maybe it's hard for Chinese families to understand why this happens. Is depression more of a Western thing?
5// It took a while to get used to them but after a while I have coped and remembered things and smiled and laughed and socialised more. It's been scary, yet exciting.
6// My brother is off to Hong Kong next month to start a new job. It's been good to see him since he's been home and I just hope he copes ok out there.

I'm not sure what else has happened but I've pretty much summarised everything important.

Respect your elders....

...is the shittest advice I have ever heard. I may of followed it during my younger years, but as you get older you'll realise it's become shit. Why do I say this? Because after arguing with my arsehole of a dad (who I no longer respect), he has no respect for me - and he made that clear with, "Your degree was shit; I don't care about your job hunting anymore" and pretty much going on the lines of "You're useless." Which has now brought me to consider killing myself, or harming myself in some way, or just leaving it, what I c all, "the bad domino" out of my life.

I don't know what else to say but, see ya.

The Hong Kong trip

Having just got back yesterday, everything I ever did in Hong Kong remains fresh, and I feel it shall do for some time. Why do I say this? The journey has been rather spiritual, as well as informative and helpful in discovering more about who I am. Time away fro my family is what I needed in order to discover more about myself - you can see why people go off traveling for a year before returning home to find work etc.

The last time I went back to Hong Kong was 2003, and I can already see how naive I was back then compared to now (although some it remains). Inside, I am still a teenage kid - I'm not afraid to admit that - but I believe there shall be a time when I shall worry when I'm gonna get out of that phase.

The day before my flight (12/02) I realised I just couldn't be bothered to head over - as far as I was concerned, the trips were usually uneventful but still good fun. When I got to the airport, it didn't feel like I was leaving at all. It wasn't until I got through all the securities checks I realised I would be by myself and the trip was becoming real. Getting on the plane, I sat by the window and through sheer luck, I had a whole row to myself to sprawl out and use three blankets and three crappy pillows to make the pain of leaning against the arm rest go away. I can never sleep on planes, so I amused myself with Su Doku, reading and watching films.

As sunlight crept onto the plane, I knew I hadn't long til I arrived in Hong Kong. My appetite was going down, particularly as breakfast on the plane put me off entirely - a single sausage, rock hard bacon and what looked like cheesey potatoes but were really scrambled eggs. I was ready to get off the plane, but the nervousness made my lips dry and boredom hit me again. As I looked out the window, all I could see was water and tiny islands.

As the plane touched down, I do a little thing where I say, "Hello [name of country I've landed in]". I do this all the time, perhaps a sign that I'm actually here and the whole ordeal of flying 11 hours was not a dream. When you step off the plane, the humidity and heavy air hit you - you know you're in a different country and it's time to adjust. A few minutes walk, and I'm through passport control, got my luggage and out in the arrivals section. I'm a wreck, but my aunts and my father's friend clearly understand [note: one of my aunts had just arrived back into Hong Kong from England the day before; so it was undoubtedly hard for her to come back!].

On the road, my dad's friend has no clue which way to go. To make sure he can change lanes quickly, he takes up two lanes in case we miss our turning. Frightening I know, but it's the way people drive! After an hour of driving, I arrive at another of my aunt's houses. Seems I'm staying there the night, and have the room to myself. That night, I see another one of my aunts [note: I should say now that I have 7 aunts, all from my mum's side] ,whose husband is famous in Hong Kong for his range of Chinese medicines for aches and pains. Now, I've not seen them for ten years, but conversation seems easy.
Back at my aunt's house, I sleep 4.5 hours. I feel fresh yet still tired. I watch several movies to keep me awake, and then I'm onto the Internet to check my mail. I talk to Ashley for a few hours before getting ready to start my day. From now on, I don't know what date or day it is which has undoubtedly messed up my body clock.

The day went as follows: do some family business from 10-1; eat at another aunt's noodle place; go home to rest, then back out again to see my great aunt in Man on Shan, and see my cousins; watch awful Chinese film about cops, triads and drugs, where the ending makes no sense (or it did, but it seemed illogical); go home, sleep and then I'm awake at 6am.

Next day: go shopping for clothes and other things. Buy stuff for people back home. Then dinner, and more sleep.
16th - shopping, hair cut, bank stuff.
17th - head to Grandma's place up in the hills. Don't do much.
18th - Chinese New Year; big feast, see more family.
19th - Head back out to the city with my cousin.
20th - go to pray around my dad's temple in Sai Kung. Later, dinner with dad's old friend, who I get on with pretty well. He's a famous historian, specialising in Chinese history and the creation and destruction of villages. Very nice guy.
21st - Relax, do little shopping and do some small touristy stuff: Bruce Lee statue, and seeing the business district on Hong Kong island.
22nd - head to the business district for more sightseeing. But too tired to do anymore. Head to aunt's house to beging packing. End up just lazing around, making myself tired for the flight.
Flight at 11:45pm - sleep for NINE HOURS (the most I have ever slept on a plane). The remaining 4 hours feel like an eternity though.

So, that was my trip. I really didn't do anything that requires a lot of explanation. But you're probably thinking, 'spiritual? where did he talk about that?"

The whole spiritual stuff happened during and after CYN. It was being at prayer; seeing my grandparent's eyes light up when a dragon dancing team came to the village; it was lighting incense sticks and burning coloured paper. Even though it was a short trip, I learned this about myself:

I can be such a fucking burden sometimes. I did wonder how people could put up with me. My cheeky days as a kid (as people remember me most by) have now disappeared and I have grown up. I still stand by the fact that I like being alone, away from everybody, but such a thing is quite damaging to one's brain. I have lost touch with myself, and being in Hong Kong has made me realise a little more about who I am - from the culture, to being British and Chinese and how life is too shitty to watch everything slip away.

But thinking about all of it got me scared. That I may of lost my opportunity to fight back to gain what I have now lost.

Neon City Blues

So, here I am in Hong Kong. Thought it'd be a good time (since it'll be coming up to a month since I last wrote in this blog) to update on things, and just let you know how I'm doing.

I've been out in Hong Kong since the 13th of February (back to the UK on the 22nd) and I've had fun so far. Being jet lag is no fun, especially as I'm waking up at silly times (4am, 5am, 7am) and finding that I'm doing nothing til a few hours later.

Since arriving here, I've realised how bad my Chinese has become over the last few years, and it seems now that I'm here, it feels like a refresher course. Infact, the day I got here I've been writing some form of essay about cultural differences (and it was never meant to turn out like that!) It's interesting so far, but right now I'm more concerned about my well being.

I've only just begun to realise how much of an asshole I really am (and yes, it's ok to tell myself that). I'm just a kid. Still am, at the age of 22. It does hurt to know that I am, but now I feel like I dislike myself more because of it. I don't think I like what I'm becoming, but is it too late to change? I don't know why I've become like this - I'm sure there are reasons but I can't think of any - but I do feel like I'm not doing anybody any help by being like this.

I'm slowly falling back into depression (very hard to remain happy around family) and I don't know what I can do about it. I'm just so sick of myself (and I'm sure I had a dream that I hung myself....either that or I was actually thinking it) and it hurts. Try telling that to my parents...Fuck it'd be hard. The last time I did that, I cried and my dad walked in asking me why I was crying and why I had to be like this all the time.

Other than all the shit that's happening here in my life, Hong Kong is good so far. I'm actually at my grandma's place....No she doesn't have the Internet! But I'm stealing someone's bandwidth from within the village. The weather keeps changing throughout the day- humid one moment, then cold (but not UK cold where you gotta wrap up lots). It's really odd to experience this weather here, as I've only really been back when it's baking hot.

Chinese New Year approaches fast, and the celebrations in Hong Kong are just wild. Cities have overdosed on the colour red and it just looks amazing. The way it works is, people in Hong Kong clean their houses and begin decorating their homes with Fat Choi decorations - much like us Westerners do at Christmas. After that, we buy flowers, oranges, chickens, and various other goods to celebrate the new year. People put so much effort into the celebration, and it just feels so real - to see people cram the streets buying various goods. The way of life is so different here, and it doesn't feel artificial - does that make sense?

I'll be posting some photos soon. But for now, I shall say goodbye. Hope you're all keeping well.