The Laughter

Joe has a rather funny laugh. Actually it was funny in the first year, kinda funny in the second year then not so funny in the third year. The reason behind this - well, he just seems to laugh at everything and nothing. It's gotten to the point where all I hear is laughing downstairs, when him and Carlo talk. I was kinda over it when me and Carlo talked, and I thought he would tell Joe what was going on. But I guess he hasn't. Or not yet anyway.

But it's come to the point where I just don't give a fuck anymore. I breathe in deeply and think (and say) I don't give a fuck. The guy can be weird with me all he wants. If he chooses not to understand me then fine. I can live with it. To be honest, he needs to open up his fucking eyes and learn to understand emotions. Perhaps the amount of alcohol he's intaken in the last few years has fucked him up allowing him not to feel.

I feel better today. Although it's not been a productive day - the illness has made me lazy. Yes that is a poor excuse, but do you blame me. Realised that tomorrow will be the first day I go back into uni after 10 days of not going...Has it been that long already?! Seems like months! But I'm on Easter break the week after and I'm gonna be doing my dissertation til it's dead and buried in the ground. And the two essays.

I'm sensing lots of late nights coming up now.

(1.07am edit)

Back in the day when me and Ashley were going out, we both kept diaries just to keep each other informed of what we were thinking and how we were feeling. Returning back to these tonight for a nostalgia trip, I've realised how much we've both grown up now. It was difficult for us, because, obviously, we lived so far away from each other and there were times were we couldn't talk (i.e I was getting drunk). Looking back, how times have changed ya know? We're both still here, still very much in love, but we're moving on in the relationship now. We talk about having kids together, living together, the pets we'd get (a bunny and a puppy...and I'll sneak a kitten home) and where we would live (Washington D.C if my scripts get bought up).

I've grown in a way now. I still have insecurities but not as many as I did have last year. I was afraid I was going to lose Ashley in a stupid fight, but I've come to realise that it's not the case anymore. I continue to grow up now, with Ashley by my side. Something has changed. And for the better. There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of how I've changed.

Being 21 does some weird shit to you.

The first stop

Today I made the first step on the road to recovery. Sleeping was easy last night, until I coughed really hard and choked, and nearly threw up, on spit. What an awful feeling. Getting up was harder, but there seemed to be more determination in my actions. Actually getting up to shower to wash was less of a chore than it usually is.
Getting to the doctors was fine - didn't sweat as much as I used to. Guess the fever has gone and I'm getting over the flu. The fact I can finally breathe through my nose is the sign. I get there and it's busy. The doctor is running a little late with patients. By the time I get to see him, I'm quick with my questions and worries. I should have started off with the least of my worries, but instead I got down to the big guns and asked him about clinical depression and how it could be treated, and where I could take the bloodtest. Next on the problem list was my weight. Now I'm 5'10 and weight just over 9 stone I think. But I think I may gained the smallest amount of weight - just a few pounds, not too much. And last on the list the stupid flu, which is viral and therefore has no cure but rest and sleep and sleeep..zzzz.
The doc said that the blood test will help him decide what could be the problem with the depression and the weight going nowhere malarky. So now the blood test got done today luckily, there was an opening so I just took it. The results take a week to come back, so I've got an appointment for next week Wednesday to see the doc again.

Last night, I sent an email to my housemate Carlo as I found it hard to talk to him after Sunday. To be honest, I've been kinda harsh on them. Why? Because they don't understand what I'm going through or why I'm depressed. I saw Carlo today, he came into my room to ask what was going on and I just said that I understand why him and Joe get on so well (they're living together next year), and that I could be just making up stories in my head. Although he said I was getting paranoid, he did admit it was hard for them to talk to me because they don't wanna say anything to set me off. Although I've been fine, I didn't feel fine about the silent treatment. Only Carlo understands now. As for Joe. Well, I'm sure Carlo will tell him about our little talk.

But for now, I'm still going ahead with things. I feel like I've got my normal life back today. I'm in the work mood - two essays and one huge dissertation. I'm hoping that my tutor says that everything seems ok and in order. To be honest, it's just full of my own notes in bold and what to write. I can see the future - LATE NIGHTS AT UNI. It'll be interesting.

Thanks for stopping by.

Just another day

I still feel like crap - Ashley thought it would be the mumps but my glands aren't swollen in anyway. Do I really have chubby cheeks? I'll have to post the picture another time.

So anyhoo, last night I had another attack of anxiousness about the whole clinical depression thing. I guess I only started crying because people said some great/wonderful things about me and I guess it's showing I'm human, and they look past the depression thing. It's not a flaw. I've come to realise that now. Every year before the Friday just gone, I lived my life day in day out without knowing anything about the depression, and I seemed to have gotten through just fine. But y'day was different; y'day was different in the way that I showed all symptoms of the depression. But today is different.

Ashley raised some questions about the aftermath of the doctors:

1. If I am clinically depressed, then will I take the anti-depressants?
2. If I'm not, then what will I do? Go back to how I was? Or will I make some changes in my life after the scare?

I've still not been yet. The doctors don't have me registered at their clinic so I had to go in today to do that. Other than being drenched by the rain, I was also drenched by my own sweat. Disgusting though it is, I still have the fever.

Today has been different though - I've started to plan my final two essays of university ever. So that's a start on things. As for my dissertation, well I hope my tutor doesn't throw the papers at me with red markings all over them. I guess it needs more directions - I'm saying that now, with only about 6 weeks left til the due in date. Thank fuck I don't have any exams. I wanna make a quick getaway after I finish.

Job wise - we'll see. I've yet to hear back from those two production companies. I hope they went through ok.

This is for Ashley - thank you for being patient with me. I know this is hard for you, to have our roles be switched over. I know I need to give you time as well, and I'm willing to give that without being too hard on you or pressuring you into making me feel better. To be honest, I feel fine right now. Sure I didn't go to the doctors today to get myself checked out, but, come tomorrow, I'll be more confident about myself. I'm ready to go through with things, and should it come to the point where I have to take the next step, I want you with me. I want you with me every step of the way. I think this will be our biggest challenge yet and I'm ready to take it on.

Like you said, I'm Mario.

Slow uptake

Last night, when everybody except Joe and Carlo went to bed, I went downstairs to talk to them. Unfortunately I never got quite the response I really wanted. Joe would say how he took some anti-depressants, when he was drunk, for fun. So that rules him out. As for Carlo, well, he tried to be supportive, asking me about the anti-depressants and that. But in the end, it was too much for them to handle. They both seem to live in each other's worlds because they each other pretty well now. This leads back to isolation. When I saw them this morning, did they have much to say to me? Not really. Any of them provide some sort of support for me? No. Would I ask one of them to come with me to the doctors? Fuck no.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. Maybe I was thinking that they would take to it quickly, give me the support I need. Instead I get the silent treatment. So for now, I give up on them. It's just too difficult to think what I need them to do right now.

This morning, I woke up feeling like crap again - it's the flu. Missed yet another shitty lecture, where I just happen to learn nothing. I can't wait to leave uni and leave Sheffield. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice place but it's just not where I want to be. Why? Because I feel I have some bad memories here and it's not as though I've had the best time here. Where do I wanna be right now? I wanna be with Ashley, writing and just having fun. Away from everything here.

I'll leave this one without a resolution to my problems.

Good timing/bad timing

Today was going to the day I told my housemates (Carlo and Joe) about everything that's been going since Friday afternoon. Although I had several occasions to tell them, the timing was never quite right. One moment, I'm eating noodles and they're talking to our neighbours. The next moment we're playing on the Playstation, so there was never a right time. Now is particularly not a good time as Chris has his girlfriend round and his friend, Matt, around too. I'm determined to say it to them later when everybody goes home or to sleep. However, one of them is drunk and is suspectible to saying anything he wishes without giving two shits. I could tell them tonight or tomorrow. But this brings about whether or not the casting aside begins. I already feel quite isolated from them already, as they like to hang around with each other and I get left out.

I've told my sister about the whole thing, and I just pray to God she does not tell my parents. It's an odd thing with Chinese parents, and the language barrier is a difficult one for me. "Hmm what's depression in Chinese?"...."Erm..." I need to book the doctors appointment next week, then he'll probably wanna see me again to explain the results.

Bring on next week. It's gonna be tiring. Sigh.

Seems we went forward an hour then

Attempting to change my clock was just useless, as I had totally forgotten that us Brits had gone forward an hour in the world. So instead of 1.41am it's 2.41am.

To be honest, I'm quite scared about this whole clinical depression things. It's been a rough week (stupid cold to deal with, along with crazy dreams about countries fighting over land - remind you of anything?) and tonight just put the icing on the cake. I'm scared of what my parents would think. Especially as a old school friend of mine killed himself by jumping from his uni window. I don't want my parents to think I'm gonna go crazy and do crazy things.

You don't really notice that you're depressed yourself - you begin to think that it's just an off day. I had begun to think like this, but until I started going to therapy, my therapist noticed that I had begun to place myself below everybody else i.e my family, my friends. And everything that kept on piling up, I was always on the bottom. She told me to be more selfish; start placing me first. I did try, but guilt got the better of me and I gradually sunk back down again.

Next on the list of telling people that I may be suffering from clinical depression are my housemates. To be honest, it'll be very hard to go about it. First of all, they don't seem like the people who will take the news very well. Secondly, they'll probably end up casting me aside and probably can't wait to get rid of me. Besides, I'm not really enjoying their company in more recent months. Ever since my housemates decided not to come back to live with us, they're kinda down about it still. The hard thing will be for them to accept it, and this is who I am for now. I still stand by my beliefs that they don't like me anymore, but maybe I should tell them. We'll see.

Ashley has been helping me find some pamphlets for my parents to understand, as my Chinese is average for a BBC (British Born Chinese). Hopefully they'll understand, and they'll support me. I am tempted to email my sister now and tell her. Or I might wait til next week when I go to the doctors.

Life changes so quickly when a piece of news, which will affect your life, comes into play. Do I wish I had a time machine and changed all those times I was a pain in the ass? Not really. I just need some courage to deal with this depression. And when I'm ready, I'll kick its ass.

Thanks for stopping by.

First posts

Ah the first post is always hard when starting a new blog. I did use my other one at myspace, but it's always rebuilding its server or some crap so I haven't been bothered to update it in recent days.

Few things you should know about me:

- My name is Terry, some people call me Tez.
- In my final year of uni at Sheffield Hallam, studying film studies.
- I hate my housemates, yet continue to survive their crappy silence (more on that latery).
- I'm currently write three scripts, although one of them is one hold - so two. One short, the other feature length.
- I have a girlfriend of about a year and 2 months, who lives in America.
- I love my music, I wish I could name the bands I like but that would take some time.
- When I was younger, 3-4, I accidently peed with excitement in some guy's nice new BMW.
- ...There's probably more but I forget or just can't be bothered. More the latter.

It's been a long day today - I've been ill most of the day with the cold. Couldn't sleep last night, what with a house party going on next door, noisy housemates and the sound of a vacuum cleaner on someone's bed. kept me up most of the night. Yes my housemates are stupid and crazy when they get drunk, but I don't like as much as I used to in the first few years of uni. In recent months, whenever I happen to walk downstairs, I am not acknowledged or I just happen to cut the laughter from their voices with my presence.

Y'day (Friday 24th March) my therapist recommended I see a doctor about my current emotion status, as I can be quite happy one time then sad the next. Unfortunately I could have clinical depression. I couldn't get my head round it at first, but after some helpful tips from my girlfriend I thought I would push the depression away. "Clinical depression is just a word, it can't hurt you," she would say. I'm willing to find go to the doctors next week and get my blood test done. But i'll probably feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. Nevetheless, I'm willing to try it.

News on Puddle Jumper script - it's going well so far. I'm in the stages of writing the key scenes, and when that's done it'll be time to piece it all together at some other stage. My short script (no title) is going to be entered into the British Short Screenplay competiion. So wish me luck, as I'm going to need it.

Thanks for stopping by.