Those are fighting words.

This is a story from Ashley, after she found Dexter, her cat, running around the yard chasing a tiny bunny.

"Ok picture this: I'm me, you're the bunny, Dexter is Depression, Moxy (Ashley's dog) is Stress, Tank (another of Ashley's dogs) is Worry. I see Depression chasing you and I go running out to save you. I am successful in getting Depression back in it's cage for now. The problem is that poor Tezzy is still stuck in the yard--also called negativity. So you're stuck in negativity with the threat of Depression, Stress and Worry coming to eat you up. So I try to get you out of negativity. I try to pick you up, but you're scared and you kick back and you run really fast. As soon my hands--or positivity, descend upon you to save you, you run. You're still stuck in negativity. I try repeatedly to take you out of negativity but run, run run. Eventually you get stuck between the fence and the garden box--so close to being out of negativity but you're get stuck and I have to nudge you to try to urge you out of the yard through the fence. But you get scared and go in the other direction. You go hide in the darkness under the machines behind the garage where I can't get to you. I try to shine a light in your direction, where ever you may be so that you're not too afraid in the dark. There's nothing I can do to reach you but tell you "It's ok,I know you're hiding because you're scared. You take your time to get out of there, I'll try to keep Depression, Stress, and Worry away from you. I hope you get out soon and find your way out of negativity" And then I'm helpless, there's nothing to do for the night. I have to go back into the house and hope that little bunny makes it out of the yard eventually before the dogs and cat have to go potty and sniff him/her out.

You see though, I was a bit mad at the bunny for running from me. I thought "why are you running from me! I just wanted to rescue you!" But then I realized that he/she was just running out of instinct, out of it's basic instincts. Running to protect itself is all it knows how to do. It didn't realize I was trying to help. It just thought that I was there to hurt it more. And that applies to you. I'm mad that you're running from me because all I want to do is help you. But being negative is your instinct, you don't know anything else so it's hard for you to find a way out of it. And me, who is trying to rescue you, I'm scary because you don't know I'm trying to help. So you run yourself in circles in negativity and think I'm as bad as Depression, Stress, and Worry.

You have ran yourself ragged and now you've been sitting in the dark. I've been shining my flashlight into the dark for you and calling encouraging words to you but you won't come out of the dark. I guess I've walked in the house now and am trying to keep Depression, Worry, and Stress away from you, though to vary degrees of success lately. But I know that D,W, and S will have to go back into the yard soon and they might just sniff you out. Most likely they will and have--they have good tracking skills. They can smell you on my hands. I'm helpless now. I just have to believe that you'll walk out of that darkness soon and make the choice to save yourself, find the hole in the fence of negativity and walk back into the real world. The world you belong in."

I do feel bad for making Ashley feel how she was that night she wrote this email to me. I actually cried when I did read it as I had no idea what my mind was doing. I hear one bad thing and my mind goes all negative, and becomes the much dominate voice. The only possible way of getting out of the funk is to sleep it off.

Since then, I've been positive and trying hard to fight off bouts of negativity. It's working so far. It's hard work but it's something I have to do, to make myself a better person.

Thank you Ashley. You mean the world to me.

Rosedale Road Redux

Over the last week or so, I've had quite a lot of fun - doing work and then going out for a few drinks with two of my housemates, Joe and Chris. Last Saturday saw the three of us celebrating Joe's birthday, he's now 22 and we had a good night. After we had left the club, we decided to walk home as we had no money between us to get anywhere. We bearly got up the road before Chris said some things to me:

Chris: "You could have pulled in there tonight. Mate, your girlfriend is in another country probably doing the same thing."
Me (pissed off): "No she's not doing that."
Chris: "And how do you know?"
Me: "I just know she's not."
Chris: "Why? Is she ugly?"
Joe (butting in): "Calm down you two."
Me: "No, she's not ugly fucker."
Chris (quietly): "I think she is."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Chris: "Nah she's not ugly."

He seriously pissed me off so I stormed off by myself. So fucking dare he say that? I wanted to say back to him, "Your girlfriend is an annoying bitch or talks way too much. Plus you're only fucking her because you're lonely fuck." When I got home, I was pretty much ready for bed, so I spoke to Ashley for a little while. We ended up having a serious talk about everything that made me feel bad for the both of us.

In the morning, I was still running things in my mind about the night before and I had honestly felt that me and Ashley could have broken up the night before, because I was being such a muppet. We resolved our differences, because Ashley pointed out so crucial out to me: my depression was splitting my mind into negative manner, with not much positiveness left. Turns out my brain was picking at all the bad parts of her and turning me against her, when infact I had no need too. "You need to tell your brain that I am not the enemy."

Words over the past week have deeply affected me. Why? Because my mind is suddenly deciding to reject all positiveness about work or my life in general. It's hard trying to get back the positive I had before. Just all my hard work undone. Sunday also saw me get booted down again - after emailing my tutor some work, he told me it was a mess and to gain some structure into it. Now with the help of Ashley, who created a stunning outline for me to follow (thank you), I've been working on a new introduction, placing the key terms I would be using into it etc.

It's been a tough week and it's going to get tougher as we approach essay deadlines and what not.

Update - script

After losing my head for about 3 weeks, or maybe more, I've just started to come back to my script. Watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind bloody well helps. It's brought back...feelings! It's such a wonderful film and deserves all the praise it's received. Writing has been difficult as of late. Attempting to write last night just made me realise how far I've come, and how much more there is to do. Hopefully the summer shall bring me some hope, as Miss Ashley will be helping me out.

In other news - I've contacted a musician, who goes under the name of Basement Ghost, from the Coldplay message board. He plays some wonderful music and I've asked him if he could pen me a soundtrack. These are his words:

"All I can say right now is 'Wow. That would fucking rock. Now how the hell do I write a soundtrack?!@!!' It sounds like a glorious operation."

His enthusiasm has inspired me to get writing now, and not leave him disappointed. Although he says he's willing to wait, I don't wanna leave him waiting around for the script. So I'm quite excited now! If you wanna check out his music, you can find it at here Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

"Come on, come on. Shout at the top of your voice to the clouds in the sky."

The whirlwind of life.

ROB
That's your problem, man. You can't see
what you've got, only what you've lost.
Those guys are right. You are "money".

This quote is from one of my favorite films and it pretty much applies to me. I can only think of my rough childhood and how bad I really want it back so I can change things that I may or may not of done. People are right about me - I'm a decent guy. But there are times when I'm so miserable and down that I just hate myself and there's not much I can do about it for now.

Luckily I'm back in therapy tomorrow so I have to attempt to undo all my bad shit and get back to how I was before Easter. I felt great back then. Ok I'm a little happy now because I got some work done and I know how to scare myself into doing it. I s'pose I'm also happy because I feel like I've bonded with my housemates since I've got back from Easter, not that I haven't before. I remember I used to have so much contempt for my housemates because they didn't understand me. But now I understand where they are coming from and so I'm making time for them, even though I don't have much of it left.

It's hard being postive after there's been so much negativity roaming through my head. But as Rob from Swingers says, I'm only focusing on the negative and never the positive. Times are starting to look up a bit now. Emailing my tutor helped me today so he can help me find five thousand words to complete this dissertation, and forced me write some stuff down which is partially relevent to the subject!

I feel better writing this now.

"The whirlwind of life."

Stepping stones

This is such an early post for me. Usually I'm gathering my thoughts at the end of the night. I guess I have a lot to say right now.

The last few days have not been easy, so today I decided to go clear my head with a walk.

(Note - all photos can be enlarged by clicking on them).

Taking a book, camera, post stick notes and two pens, I went up to my university (involves walking up a big hill), even though I knew it was closed, to take a photo of the city below. Feeling a bit awkward, I waited til the coast was clear before taking any photos.

This photo was taken when I was walking uphill. It has always been a heart pounding walk!


This was the view of the city from the top of the road. Welcome to Sheffield! I've always wanted to take a photo of the city on a clear day, but this will do. Along this stretch of road are some cats I like to play with. Me and friend have decided to name all of them, but we hardly see them anymore.


This was the view going back down the hill. I've always told one of my crazy friends, Rick (who has snorted washing up powder), to grab a trolley and get pushed down there. Sadly, he refused.

My housemates and I have always wanted to walk up here drunk as clouds in the air. You can see why we don't.


On my way down, I happened to see this written on a dustbin. It made me chuckle because Miss Ashley was telling me last night that I was gay for Liono from Thundercats.

If someone teaches me this Panthro dance, then I could so easily pull a cartoon character.



Also on my way down, I saw some potted plants that were starting to grow in these old pots. Hopefully no one was in their house spying on me whilst I took photos of it.

Summer is coming!





I like this one because it seemed the contrast of the colours had been changed by computer, giving it a much brighter feel to it. Just as I was coming up to it, a bumble bee had flew off after muchos sex with it.





After my walk down from the giant hill, I was ready to go home, yet seemed quite unfulfilled by the photos I had taken. Remember there was a park nearby, I decided to walk through it toward the playground.

This photo was taken just as a few spots of rain were coming down. No, bird flu is not coming to Sheffield.



I walked along to this small river stream and I sat down on a rock. I changed the music to some Sigur Ros and just watched the water flow down. I hunched myself up, knees on chest and I just took it the small amount of scenery around me.

This dog jumped into the water and he was quite cute. Don't think his owners were to pleased about me taking a photo of them throwing sticks at their dog.


On my way back out of the park, I came across this sheltered part of the river and it just made me wanna go sit down there and gather my thoughts of today's walk.

When I was younger I used to have hiding places around the house, from when I was scared to being in trouble. And this reminded me of my childhood.

What did I learn today from the walk? A lot of things about myself.

1. It is easier to go on a walk to move the thoughts out of your head, rather than holing yourself up in your room.
2. For being miserable, find something that makes you smile. Today just going around the park, I saw so many kids just running around, having fun on swings and slides.
3. Life is like stepping stones - you can try and move quickly through life, living it to it's full, but there will be a time when you're pushed back down again. Life is never constant, it flucuates and we're here to cope/deal with it.

That's all I have for now. I'm glad I went for the walk, it's helped me realise the beauty of everything big and small. There's more to life than being miserable.

(Thank you Ashley. You know why).

Shape up, snap out.

Since I've been back to uni, I've been a bit of a bum - lying in bed doing a bare minimum amount of work and watching Lost and surfing the net. But today just lying in my bed, I began to ponder if I had the fun pushed out of me because of events that may have happened over the last few months. My room has now become a place where I store all my memories (good and bad), and I always lock myself in my room with my possessions and I just feel miserable. I do like having time to myself but I feel as though I've let myself go to waste and now the fun has been kicked out of me. Although there have been times when I've felt guilty about going out, because there are certain things I haven't done during the day/week/month/year.


My brain has always been on two wavelengths lately; again one is the voice inside of me - the one who is always right - and the other is the voice outside - who is wrong sometimes. The happy attitude I left Sheffield with, when going home for Easter, just disappeared without a trace. Things that happened back home have taken a bigger toll on me and I had a lot of things to consider. For example, I found out my father has stopped smoking because the doctor told him too. Should he smoke any more I could lose a father. The ironic part is that a few months ago, I decided to forgive him after hearing that he tried to quit smoking, but the whole fucking thing just went bad so I took away that forgiveness and now I despise him.

Is it wrong of me to do so, even though I have reason to?

I'm tired of having this thinking, and returning to this slump phase. But the next few weeks won't be easy. Then I'm done with my university life. Although my student card expires in 2007. Then a job then moving home and maybe moving out. I don't know what to do.

"I close my eyes, I see an island."

Growing up, moving on

Friday night saw me telling my mother that I had been to the doctors to get a blood test for the whole depression thing. I also told her how I had been feeling lately (worn down, confused and generally ovethinking things, yet I was ok. Worried though she was about me, she told me when she was carrying me in her tummy she had also gotten depressed. She was vague on details, and I'm not sure if she went to see a doctor about it, but it may have just been having to work and carry me around (told you I was a burden). And there's me thinking that depression didn't run in our family. It did get me worried that if I were to become depressed again, I would eventually numb out everything and carry on with life. My mother seems like a happy person at the moment. Yes there maybe time when little things said can get her mad/sad/frustrated, but somehow she managed to gather up all that shit and forget about it. I just wish I could do that too.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna tell my mother about the whole doctors thing because there's nothing wrong with me. But why did I do it? Other than the fact it's hard to keep secrets from mothers as it is, I told her because this is my life, and there are just some things I cannot let go. The next day (Saturday), my father started asking me questions: are you ok; how have you been feeling lately; girlfriend on your mind? I just knew that mother had told him about my depression crap, and it just makes things worse. I don't really need him caring right now, he has his own shit to deal with right now. I've helped him as far as I can with his problems, now it is his turn to combat his own problems.

I feel like I'm growing up and am already to move on from everything. I have my whole life ahead of me, and I guess there's no need to rush it. There's a worry where I think nothing will go to plan as well I hope they would. Sure, we've all gotta start somewhere haven't we? It's wonderful hearing my friends say to me that I'm gonna write a mean first script. It's what I wanna hear, because it means I can't disappoint them and it makes me willing to work on it. FYI, I'm coming up with new ideas I had not thought about before, it'll be interesting to get them onto paper. Miss Ashley will also be helping me once I get my butt over to the States.

Other good things I've heard this week - I was speaking to a very good friend of mine (Jassen) who I happened to meet on a message board. He's just a great person and I'm happy to call him my friend. It was great to hear from him I was a good friend too, and that made my day as well. I was getting tired of thinking I was worthless, but I do feel like I'm having a positive impact on various people, each in their own different way.

The sunny weather has been keeping me good spirits lately - feel like I'm solared powered sometimes. Then again it makes me tired and not wanting to do anything. My dissertation, for instance, is kicking my butt right now. My thesis is constantly changing - think I should just get shit down onto paper before complaining. My sentences seem kinda fragmented, but it's nothing help from my tutor can't fix. I still can't believe he said it was good so far.

I feel like I've been drained of my positiveness since my week back at home. Like I had left everything behind in Sheffield, but coming back to it I can't seem to find what I had left behind. It's gonna take a little while before I get my groove back again. I miss it.

"Shut up and look up and look around. Everything awaits your next move."

Everyday, questions

I've been thinking way too much. Bitch fuck ass damn thinking kicking my butt into hyperdrive that leads to thinking even more about why I'm in hyperdrive. I'm probably driving on the wrong side of the road in my mind.

Since I've been home working for my parents, people always ask me what I study and/or what I wanna be when I'm older. When I tell them, they have this look on their faces that says, "There's a subject like that?" or "Good luck trying to find a job." Reading faces is something I happened to pick up when everybody fucked me off. It's all in the eyes. These questions and their facial expressions really bug me. I kinda feel like a failure in one sense (not being a doctor or something else), but in other ways I feel like I have drive at the moment - I know I want to write scripts so I'm planning them and going to write them when I finish university. I wanna be one of those writers who can have a few beers with his friends and just write down endless bits of dialogue.

My dad seems to find that shooting down people's ideas, like me moving to London etc, is funny. Ironically he doesn't like it when it comes back to bite him in the ass. I'm fed up of his fucking attitude. Shooting down my ideas is a past time of his that he just happens to keep up. Guess he's always seen me as a failure, which is probably why he keeps it up. I'm out there to prove him wrong, and I can't wait. I feel like I need to move on in my life now.

But this raises the question - am I growing up too quickly for my own good, as I had not grown up by the time I was actually 18? I mean, growing up make things seem a lot clearer - you're more vocal, you speak your mind, you're thinking of marriage and kids with the boyfriend/girlfriend, you can poo in a public toilet without fear of anyway looking over the cubicle (this has not happened to me). As I'm finally getting the hang of growing up, I'm suddenly thinking of the next step in my life. My brain is just moving too fast for me to cope right now.

"Let go of your mind and be set free. The world awaits you with open arms."

Storms and stress

Today has just been a news filled day for me.


First story: a few weeks ago now some Indian girl, without a driving license, managed to dent our car by backing into it. Her father had gone into a shop to buy some stuff, and when he came out he'd had seen what she'd done. My ma had seen the whole thing, as she had just gotten out of the car. From what I hear, the father now refuses to pay us anything as he feels it isn't his fault for denting our car, and it was none of our business.

Extension to the first story: today I hear more news about our case, with the father who refuses to pay up, from my mother. When she had told my dad about someone denting our car, he immediately said - "I know this guy who could do some insurance claim on it and we can get more money out of the guy!" As soon as I heard this, I said "Fuuuuuuuuck." It gets interesting though. So the Indian father had managed to find out we were attempting to get more money out of him, and went directly to this insurance guy and said to him to stop helping us and to help him since they were the same religion and ethnicity etc. This is why the guy refuses to pay up.

My sister's input: although she disagrees with the whole thing, she's had to help this claim go through because my dad was pissed that it was taking so fucking long. So this letter comes through the post this morning about this claim shit, and my sister has read it and signed it already. My dad looked at it tonight and read through all the pages and got to how much we could claim....£500-ish. His words: "That's not a lot of money."....We've gone through all of this for £500! I mean fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Was there any point?! It's just fucking money and we're exploiting someone! What's even worse is that if they ring the police to say that we've conned them, we could be fined and pay compensation to the Indian guy. My ma never told me the car had gone away for a month. NEVER. I assumed it was back in working condition, but oh fucking no. I want my car back because this has gone on long enough.

Second story: Over the last few years, my dad has changed a considerable amount. As I look at the family photo of us altogether, he looks innocent - looks like he wouldn't hurt a fly. But now, I don't know what the fuck has changed in him. But he's been stealing money from the till (aka money-we-make). Today I caught him stealing some, but I didn't say anything. I'm thoroughly pissed about that.

Third story: My dad asked me what I was doing this summer. I said I was going back to America to see Ashley, from late June to early August. The reason he asked me was because he has to go back to Hong Kong to sort out some business deal, and he told me to work. I mean fuuuuuck, go back in June when I'm here still and when you come back I'll go to the States. I didn't say anything else to him. I did wanna ask him a few questions - who is gonna buy your ticket? How long are you going for? Do you actually have money? I only know two answers to those questions - he has no money. Turns out my ma ended up paying for the tickets to Hong Kong when they went in Feburary, and for everything they brought back.

How does this all affect me? Well, I got my own shit to deal with but I feel I need to take this into my own hands and deal with it with immediate effect. But I can't. I have my own shit to do. And now I'm feeling the storms and the stress move in. I don't wanna be down again. But ever since I've been home I've been feeling like shit - hearing news of everything that's been going on, I'm disappointed.

A few months ago, I decided to forgive my dad for his actions because he was trying to quit smoking and cut down on the gambling. But now I take it back. I take it all back because I'm fed up of it happening again. I can't handle the shit right now. Not right now. I'm tired of it all.

In other news, a customer of ours, actor in films and tv, said he would ask if the production company he works for wants a runner for the next film. So that's something to look forward too if I get it.

"Grab your coat. We're off to brave the storm in another country."

Self containment

This is the longest I've ever been back at home since Christmas, and a lot of stuff has happened since then. As much as I like getting my clothes washed and food being cooked for me, there are some things I dislike about being home. I shall list them rather than babble on and on:

1. My dad's flu has got him saying he's gonna die
2. My ma repeating things at least three fucking times
3. My sister has moods that range from good to very bad day to day
4. The computer is downstairs, so I'm prone to attacks via criticism or facial looks
5. Following on from four, I can't isolate myself like I would do at my uni house
6. The whole surrounding area is just a fucking mess.
   

I think that'lll do for now. And now for the explanations:

1. I wanna say to him, "It's your fucking fault for smoking." It hurts when he says it because there are people who do fucking care about him and that is his fucking family.
2. It's like a drilling mechanism for my head - I heard you the first time!
3. She can be really chirpy one minute then in a really pissy mood. I don't know what the fuck is going on.
4. Chinese whispers happens a lot in my family, my mother being the nosey one. I'd rather not hear these whispers or in fact any kind of criticism whatsoever. Although hearing it would make me less paranoid, I'd rather block the whole thing out.
5. I'm not comfortable at home - no wireless Internet, thus no isolation. I'm not used to it. It's gonna be a big shit fuck for me when I return home from uni.
6. I hate Luton. It's so fucking awful.

I need to be by myself for a little while. I need to isolate myself and do some work. I need to organise myself...London did not happen today, so must go tomorrow.

"Pack your bags, your clothes and your life. We're going on holiday to that place called the Sun."

"I was welcomed with open arms..."

Gah, it's great being 21! Although I should not bully people younger than me. And patronise them. Or doing flying kicks to their heads for being so young. Saying that though, times do fly. Three years ago, I was invited to a BPWP ('birthday party with parents') by my friend Eva. I met a few characters there and just chit chatted, and some of them were just really young! So today, I go back to the same place, and I meet the same people I met three years before. Has anything changed? Not really - only one of them is going to Canada (aka Little America) to get away from England and some of the younguns have passed their driving test.

So, what does this mean? Nothing really. The ironic thing with me is - I hate change, but I dislike people who don't change. I don't mean a heavy amount of change like, "I went to Thailand to get a sex change" or "I got married and had seven kids. Came shooting out like a log flute." But I mean, the kids were still kinda immature, even though they were reaching 18. Ok, yes, people don't mature as quick as some other do (I sure didn't), but I think I'm at that stage where I wanna hear people talk about where they went travelling or what's making their lives busy now. Me thinks I've grown up a lot now.

In other news. I swear my time back home is the time I will actually a) hit a car or b) hit a person with the car. As I'm driving along today, lost as I am on the roads, this black guy runs toward my car flailing his arms like a bird taking its first flight into the air, while I'm thinking I have a body stuck in my grill. So I had to swerve round the fucker, then drive on. Thinking I had lost him, as I had lost myself on the roads, I turned into a petrol station and walked in to grab some directions. Unfortunately, on my way in I happened to see the same black guy stopping other cars, and I made the mistake of making eye contact with him. So the guy comes into the petrol station asking me to drive him to the train station and he would give me money.

At this point, I'm thinking I'm not getting out of here alive. The guy behind the counter told me to go read some map to get sense of the directions, and the black guy just followed me. He got frustrated at one point and demanded to look at the map to help me get out of there and to the party. But I still refused to drive him. Offering me £5 whole pounds to drive him, I asked him to get a taxi. But he said he lied and had no money. Luckily I ignored him enough for him to go outside and harass other people. He came back in again to harass me and some other guy, who helped me out of the petrol station...Thank fuck. The black guy ended up back on the road again hailing down cars with his bird wings.

It's been a rather crazy day. Tomorrow, London to do some research.

Mopeds, mothers and work

Firstly, fuck mopeds. Fuck them all. Ok tonight I nearly hit one because his fucking light was just dim. Plus he was behind a damn truck. But it was my fault, as I didn't check out the road properly. My ma did and never told until after I turned. So either mopeds should be banned from the road, or I should. Vote now.

Secondly, mothers. Can't live with them - can't live without them. I like to think me and my ma get on pretty well actually, as she gave birth to me, gave me all the toys I wanted (yes I spoilt but I learnt my lesson as I got older), and now gives me money to survive through uni. She's been pretty cool with me since I got back. And now I don't have to tell her about my doctors appointment, it makes it even easier. However, I'm worried I am gonna fall back into depression and I'll have to fall back into routine of feeling like shit. I feel it'll come back sooner or later - dissertation and two essays coming up. Ugh. Should I fall back into depression, I know I can get out of it but kinda slowly. Ashley has been helping me cope, and I feel better. I refuse to get down.

Thirdly, work. Now my parents and customers of the shop have been asking me what was I gonna do after uni. I said find a job, but it's no easy feat. The money involved come vary from nothing to nothing and a half. I've applied for two jobs, I know I didn't get one of them and the other I'll find out this April. I do wanna move out of my parent's house and go into London, but I've no damn money. By the way, if you wish to donate some money then you know where I am.


And to finish, this is my parent's shop. If you have good eyes, you might be able to see my dad being lazy.

It's good to be home.

Letting go of fears and insecurities

After everything last night, today was just a tiring day. Sleeping at 4.30am was hardly a good idea, as I had to get up for the doctors. For your infomation, I'm fine - no clinical depression, so now it's a continuation of therapy and heavy doses of happiness. The lack of sleep didn't really help when Joe came back all drunk and drugged up, yelling "FUCK!" at the top of his voice. Pretty much sums up the whole night really, depending really on how you say it.

Today, I've been to the doctors, did some more of my dissertation and looking for flights for my trip back over to see Ashley. I can't wait to be honest, but there's sometihng that scares me about the whole thing still and I feel I shouldn't really have it. The fear is this - we both don't have a lot of money so it's difficult to fly back and forth to see each other. As I'm looking for flights as I write at the moment, I don't wanna feel the pain I felt when I had to leave Ashley last summer. It hurts me to look back at the Summer and think of me leaving. But on the positive side, I had so much fun and I had a great time out there. It's stupid of me to think like I at the moment, but hey it was only momentarily. Perhaps we're both in the position to maybe find a place together, and I hope it's soon.

I'm happy where I am at the moment.

Ringing ears and drama on the dancefloor

Tonight has been a rather strange night, which almost lead to cat fights between girls and girls making out with each other purely for fun (needless to say, Joe was there with phone taking pictures.) But tonight I felt different from previous nights I've been out before. Like many times before, I have attempted to rescue situations when they go entirely wrong. A friend of mine had recently run into a little trouble with someone and was none to happy about everything. I looked after her all night, make sure she did nothing stupid and all the other stuff I do. But tonight, I made a change - I made myself promise I would not get into the mess and attempt to sort out the situation. Instead I would be there just as a friend and not as a hero of some kind.

The question is - why did I do this? Why didn't I attempt to rescue the situation and salvage what was left my friend's friendship with another person?

First of all, I've made myself think that this is not my battle/not my concern. Sure I am concerned for my friend who doesn't feel too good about matters right now, but I refuse to get into it. Secondly, I hardly know my friend's friend, and it was best to keep out of it. Thirdly, I just didn't want to get in the crossfire of everything happening. Whatever happened tonight shall hopefully be resolved by the end of the week.

Tonight also made me realise how lucky I am to have Ashley. The amount of stick I get when people ask me why I keep such a long distance relationship becomes intolerable and I get quite fed up of it. It's hard for me when people refuse to accept my answers and tell me to "play away from home" as it were. But I don't do it. Why? Because I'm in love for the first time and it feels right and special. If people don't understand this, then all I say is fuck off. I'm happy where I am right now in my relationship. Sure it's hard, but it makes it more the worthwhile when you're in love with someone and you know it'll go far. All I say now is, I can't wait for the next few years.

Ashley - you have been ever so patient with me and I'm happy that we're happy at the moment. Sure there are times when we both need picking up, but I'm happy to help you pick you up off the ground and back to normal again. I love you very much and, right now, I don't want to be with anybody else. I'm happy where we are right now, and I can't wait til we move on forward in life. You are my sun, my moon and my stars at night.

Hand in hand we go.

Stories from the past numero uno

So this is my family back in the day. Yes that is me in the stripey jumper sitting on his mother's lap. But looking at this photo just reminds me of what my family was like, and, of course, what I was like as a kid. For instance, I used to be such a chubby kid and look at me now. People who look at this picture do often ask me how I'm so skinny now. My answer - "Mother's cooking and high metabolism help me stay super slim." There are so many stories I want to share, but, for now, I'll give you one or two stories.

Now, I can't remember how old I was but I do remember it happening. My parents own a fish and chip shop (for you Americans, just Google it) and my family used to live in the back of the shop and above it. My parent's friends were all around us until they started moving away in more recent years. There was a family called the Tangs who lived about a minute drive away from us (about 4 minutes now, because of speed bumps, zebra crossings and the ocassional crazy ass driver who doesn't give a damn about him/herself) and they were hosting a birthday party for their daughter, Dora. My brother, sister and I were all dragged along to this party, expecting cake, Coca Cola and lots of cheek pulling. However, once I arrived I just wasn't used to the sheer amount of people there, who began to surround me and call me cute, and I began to cry. Upon seeing this, Mr Tang decided to take me home. Sitting in the back seat (actually the arm rest), quite content I was going home after my brief cry, I just happened to relieve myself in the back seat. I don't think Mr Tang had any idea until he got home, or smelled the stench rising from my own urine. To this day, I don't think my parents and the Tangs have ever kept in contact. Perhaps my own piss drove them apart.

Another story, and I'll try to keep it short. There was a time when I used to have fits of anger and just take it out on household objects. My sister once asked me to fetch her a pair of scissors from her room. Running upstairs to my parents bedroom I fetched the scissors and promptly brought them back to my sister. After she was done with them, she asked me to return them and I happened to get pissed off with the fact she couldn't return them herself. So when I went back upstairs to return the scissors, I was so annoyed that I cut a wire that runs throughout the house without knowing what it was. Later on during the day, a customer comes into our shop and says to my dad, "I tried phoning your shop to place an order but I couldn't get through." Upon hearing this, my dad was quite surprised and went to investigate the phone problem. He first checked the shop phone...No tone. Then secondly he went upstairs and found that the telephone wire had been cut. Needless to say, my dad found me and told me never to do it again...I wonder how he knew it was me?

I do miss my family when I'm up here in Sheffield. It's quite a shame that we're drifting apart now. Nevertheless, we're still a family and I'm happy to have them, despite all the bickering and the arguing that goes on.

"...I'd rather eat my own shoe."

Over the last few days, I've been feeling kinda blah. Monday saw me meet with my dissertation tutor to discuss beating procedures into my work so far (aka moulding it into a good/great dissertation). He's liked my work so far, but is worried about my rather scambled paragraphs and sentences. My reason for this, other than I have done this throughout my entire life, it helps me work and get shit onto paper before working on it. Ok, yes, it's not a good method at all but it does help me to get ideas onto paper. Since y'day - I've watched a few films and am reading one book, but I really need to start getting my arse down to work. Maybe I'm one of those people who likes to leave work til later...But I guess I can't do it here since I could fuck up badly. My tutor was interested in the things I had to say, which made me quite happy. It just means I'm on the right track, but I have more chapters to work on. WORK ON DISSERTATION YOU LAZY POO.

Come on late nights...No doubt my housemates will keep me up at night by throwing toilet paper on each other and running around the house like chickens on fire. I do seem like I'm waiting for the final chance to do my dissertation.

To be honest, my brain has been fried lately and it's kinda stopped me from putting pen to paper/fingers to keyboard to screen. I need a final push to get my brain back into gear again. Going home this weekend won't help it - I just can never work at home. An impossible feat as it were. I'm hoping to see some friends around before we all go back to university. Think getting away from here will be fun.

In other news - when I finish uni and move out of here (wipes tear), I'll be going home to live under my parent's rules. Luckily two of my friends (they don't know each other) will hopefully be living and working London, and I've expressed my desire to leave home ASAP and get settled in the hussle and bussle of the London streets. Sure I'll miss my parents and I'll be back to see them. The streets of Sheffield just doesn't appeal to me anymore, but it's a lovely place. Just I have some bad memories here as well as good ones. The bad ones shall remain in Sheffield, whilst the good ones follow me around.

No time like the present

After much pondering and a few pages of script written, now would be a good time to give you a brief outline of what my script is about and how it's going so far.

Well, for starters its working title is Jumping Into Puddles (it may change), and it's about this guy named Lennon who cannot get over his ex-girlfriend, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how many women he sleeps with, he just can't. My influences (film wise) have been Annie Hall, Garden State, and Swingers thus so far. Life influences...Well, Ashley for starters and just "studying" relationships as it were. It just seems like an interesting topic.

I haven't written anything in the last few weeks - I've been brain dead and I just haven't had enough time to write anything. Doesn't mean I've given up!

When Americans Come to London

Over the last few days, I have been reminiscing over things that have happened in the past. Today I have been thinking about when Ashley came over from the States to visit me for two weeks during the Christmas period. She met my family who adored her so much, the day before she left she was given about 4-5 boxes of chocolate by my ma!

Hopefully the pictures will explain our emotional journey throughout the two weeks we had together.

From Michigan to London

(Just a small note - if you are reading this blog, please do post a comment.)

Clap your hands say yeah

Today has been a rather good day. Though I didn't wanna get up this morning because I was tired and cranky. But as the day went on, it just got progressively better.

Firstly my first lecture in ten days - Take Care of My Cat was the film today - a film about 5 Korean girls who make every attempt to stay as friends by meeting up every month, but one feels totally neglected and isolated by her friends that she strays away from them. Unfortunately her grandparents die (her parents died when she was young) in a roof collapsing in their shanty town home. The police thought she did it seeming as she was the "sole survivor", but she attacked an policeman and ended up in juvenile hall. I found the film to be quite interesting, particularly as it can simply be related back to Western cultures.

Secondly, my therapy appointment was one of the best I've had since I started going. I told my therapist that she kinda used a shock tactic on me to go see the doctor about clinical depression. Told her I felt like crap since she told me, but in the last few days I had been fine. She said she was sorry for doing such a thing and it was never her intention. And it wasn't her opinion to tell me to seek help. It was on the advice she gets from her supervisor. The strangest thing was - I never said to her "It's ok" or "Don't worry about it". I'm usually like this with people when they are sorry to me, but it didn't happen today. Not that I don't trust her, but this time I knew she was wrong to go about things that way. During the session, I just couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Although I did die down from when I had to talk about my housemates (something about negative energy there). After that I told her about the past, and how Ashley is helping me lots through everything and that we've both changed for the better in the last year or so. She seemed happy and we had a bit of a laugh and it was good. I even left ten minutes early because I had nothing else on my mind.

Thirdly - I got the script back I wrote in the first semester, got 56. It's not great but it's good. Richard Shaw, someone related very well to British TV, marked my script. Unfortunately he found the relationship between father and son in the script wasn't developed enough (I had 30 pages to cram everything in!) But he was impressed with some of the visuals I used and my effective structuring. Looking over his comments, I never really thought about the negative aspect of it. Everything seemed to be quite positive and the script I could just rework on and just expand it further. Shame I didn't get a higher mark though.

I was wired to do some work today but I ended up watching films and playing games today. So that wasn't good. So press on tomorrow. Which reminds me that my dissertation tutor wants to see me about my work and where I'm heading to next on my chapter. To be honest, my work seems a muddle there; I'm just writing down everything I can think of before putting it in chapters etc. Not a good way but helps me in a way I only understand.

Ashley - I love you. Although we didn't get to talk much, you were very much on my mind today. It was cute when Kaylin came ooooover - me and her just seem to get on quite nicely. Assuming that I have a mental age of 2.3 years. I wouldn't doubt it that's for sure!! I hope you had fun at the play - I wish I could have gone with you. But tis bed time now. And puppy must sleep to keep his looks *awink*. I love you. Sweet dreams my darling baby. Niiiiiiiiiight.

Rest your head sleepy one, night time is here now.