Growing up, moving on

Friday night saw me telling my mother that I had been to the doctors to get a blood test for the whole depression thing. I also told her how I had been feeling lately (worn down, confused and generally ovethinking things, yet I was ok. Worried though she was about me, she told me when she was carrying me in her tummy she had also gotten depressed. She was vague on details, and I'm not sure if she went to see a doctor about it, but it may have just been having to work and carry me around (told you I was a burden). And there's me thinking that depression didn't run in our family. It did get me worried that if I were to become depressed again, I would eventually numb out everything and carry on with life. My mother seems like a happy person at the moment. Yes there maybe time when little things said can get her mad/sad/frustrated, but somehow she managed to gather up all that shit and forget about it. I just wish I could do that too.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna tell my mother about the whole doctors thing because there's nothing wrong with me. But why did I do it? Other than the fact it's hard to keep secrets from mothers as it is, I told her because this is my life, and there are just some things I cannot let go. The next day (Saturday), my father started asking me questions: are you ok; how have you been feeling lately; girlfriend on your mind? I just knew that mother had told him about my depression crap, and it just makes things worse. I don't really need him caring right now, he has his own shit to deal with right now. I've helped him as far as I can with his problems, now it is his turn to combat his own problems.

I feel like I'm growing up and am already to move on from everything. I have my whole life ahead of me, and I guess there's no need to rush it. There's a worry where I think nothing will go to plan as well I hope they would. Sure, we've all gotta start somewhere haven't we? It's wonderful hearing my friends say to me that I'm gonna write a mean first script. It's what I wanna hear, because it means I can't disappoint them and it makes me willing to work on it. FYI, I'm coming up with new ideas I had not thought about before, it'll be interesting to get them onto paper. Miss Ashley will also be helping me once I get my butt over to the States.

Other good things I've heard this week - I was speaking to a very good friend of mine (Jassen) who I happened to meet on a message board. He's just a great person and I'm happy to call him my friend. It was great to hear from him I was a good friend too, and that made my day as well. I was getting tired of thinking I was worthless, but I do feel like I'm having a positive impact on various people, each in their own different way.

The sunny weather has been keeping me good spirits lately - feel like I'm solared powered sometimes. Then again it makes me tired and not wanting to do anything. My dissertation, for instance, is kicking my butt right now. My thesis is constantly changing - think I should just get shit down onto paper before complaining. My sentences seem kinda fragmented, but it's nothing help from my tutor can't fix. I still can't believe he said it was good so far.

I feel like I've been drained of my positiveness since my week back at home. Like I had left everything behind in Sheffield, but coming back to it I can't seem to find what I had left behind. It's gonna take a little while before I get my groove back again. I miss it.

"Shut up and look up and look around. Everything awaits your next move."