Welcome home, so they say.

After several false starts in attemping to write a blog, I think I should write this one.

Today, I left my university home and came home with all my belongings. What I had left behind in Sheffield was my student life (although my young handsome good looks can still pass for 18), my friends and part of my "real" identity as it were, amongst other things (late nights out, kebab shops, puddles of puke etc). Part of me knows that I will have a strong connection with Sheffield, because of all the crazy stuff I did there. My friends remain up there now, as I now stuck at home. Fair enough, there's no rent to pay, nor do I have to make a budget for a grocery list. But the little things I did at my university home can never be reciprocated back at home.

Guess the one thing I will miss most is my friends, as I have known them for 2-3 years and they have helped me through a lot of things. Growing up was the major one and I think I've done that (check). No matter how much I have bitched about my housemates and people around me, I have now come to realise it was my mistake - my depression and bitterness got in the way causing me to become negative toward them. Despite their behaviour from time to time, I think I've found some good friends. As for some of my coursemates, I was gutted not to have met some of them before, as they seemed nice and friendly. But two of my coursemates I have gotten to know very well - Rick and Gemma (see photos on Flickr). Rick I've known because I saved him from a geek with a huge DVD collection that could be stacked taller than Everest, and some girl who could be our grandmother. Since then, we've been through many antics together and it was good leaving university with someone I could trust. It's one friendship I will not break. As for Gemma, whatever she does I will support her in it. Although I rarely talk about her, she's a good friend, someone who listens and it's gonna be hard to see her face to face to talk about random stuff, and go have lunch with and that. It was at this time I felt independent, I had my own life. Then again I did fuck up on the way.

Now that I am home, I do believe it's time to make some changes. Though it will be hard, i believe it's the right thing to do now. Firstly this negativity and depression thing - it's got to go. It looms around me like dark clouds. It's time to become more positive now, and perhaps it's time to slowly move on, without too much pressure.

Knowing I have found some good friends, the task is now keeping in touch with them. And this is something I shall not give up, as I have done so in the past.

Restoration

Wednesday night saw a significant amount of truth be told. After a long night of doing my dissertation and editing most of it, Ashley and myself had a long talk about things that have happened in the last few months. It was a heated discussion but we both knew things had to change, and we're both happy to do it.

So now I've finished university and am about to go into the big world. It's like watchng Bambi learning how to walk. My mind is still messed up, and I can see why Ashley says she needs to give her brain a rest. During the whole uni process I've managed to lose myself and it was horrible. RIght now, I'm in that restoration stage where I'm trying to rebuild myself the way I was before. But I've found it's much harder to do it now, as I now go back into routine of helping my parents and looking after everybody. As well as that, I'm trying to look after myself at the same time.

Since I've come back home, I've heard nothing but bad news. I'll list them than go into detail about them:

• My headmaster at my old school recently committed suicide.
• Last week, Andrew, a grocery store owner, died of stomach cancer.
• My dad was experiencing some chest pains, yet seems fine now.
• My mum has to have an operation, after a series of tiny lumps were found.

That's all for now. There's probably more but I'm blocking them out, as a way of protecting myself. I think it's because I'm afraid. Afraid of change. Death has become something that is engulfing my life. It's not easy to escape from it when you read about it everyday. But hearing it from someone you love and care for makes the whole process even harder.

In other news:

Radiohead last Friday (19th May) was just amazing. I shrieked like a girl on some songs. After the gig finished, I was sweating like a pig then Jassen, a very good friend of mine, noticed I had blood on my shirt and on my bag. I also had cramp in my leg, so it looked like I had gotten into a fight and my left leg got beaten bad, and the rest of me was fine! I was still braindead and I wasn't as euthuiastic as I could have been. I've lost my sense of fun. I feel all numb.

I guess I won't be staying in Sheffield for the next year. Seems I have more pressing things to do here in Luton.

My journey to see Ashley will be later than planned.

So far, nothing is going right. I still feel out of sorts and I'm gonna have to come back to more shit. I don't want to lose my independence but I will eventually. Time to find a job.

Race cars, annoyances and friends

Like my friends, I'm neglecting this blog where it has become a personal diary rather than to actually inform anybody about anything happening in the world, or anything remotely exciting. It has been up and down few weeks, mostly downs, but I have things to look forward too in the next few weeks to bring me back up...Hopefully.

Coming up to the last few weeks of university (well, I finish on Thursday) I have begun to question who my real friends are here at uni and if they deserve my attention. For example my housemates, Chris I've known since September 2005, he's alright but he can piss me off sometimes; Joe and Rocco I've known since September 2003 and I enjoyed their company, but this year they've just pissed me off, and, in some cases, it's been more than I can handle. My breakdown back in February/March was a sign of it, and since then I've gone on and off happiness. My fear is depression is just going to engulf me, render me useless. Fighting it is hard, but it's something I have to do everyday. Yes, there have been times when I've wanted to just let go, but i feel there's something I need to do before I do.

Continuing on with my housemates, they're all living together next year and all I can say is good luck to them. They all seem to get on well enough, but for me it's been like prison and i've hated living here. After my ex-housemate left this year to go pursue his dreams of seeing his girlfriend in another country, I've had no one to confide in and generally just talk to without being afraid of what will be said. Although Rocco said he was there if I ever needed to talk, it's been hard talking to him because he's always hanging out with Joe now. It's like the school playground now - "Sorry I don't think you're cool enough to hang out with us. If you do you'll just be a burden." Sure I'm a little paranoid but when you walk into a room and they both go silent, you do wonder what is going on. Then when you leave the room, they begin to talk and laugh again. All I can say now is I'm glad I'm leaving. Where to, I don't know yet. But I'll be happy to get away from them both, as my life has been partly miserable because of them.

When you're paranoid and beginning to hate them, you pick up on annoyances. For Joe, he pisses me off by making this noise with his throat that sounds like a race driver revving his engine. For Rocco, his inability to find a girl, after his ex split with him last year. For Chris, telling me to break up with Ashley because "she's in another country etc". All I can say is fuck off and I think it's fair to do so.

I don't think I've found a long term friend here at uni. And it's a shame.

My life is drowned out by the sound of laughter.

It's difficult to find who I am now.

And so begins the long journey.

'The Tourist'

Yesterday evening, I went to my Film Studies leaving do, where I met my coursemates (most of whom I have never spoken to, yet they know my name...) and my lecturers, or should that be old lecturers? I had fun meeting everybody and it was great to see some of the lecturers be totally red from the consumption of alcohol.

Being there yesterday made me regret a lot of things that I had not done over the last 3 years of univeristy, but the main one is knowing my coursemates better - I spoke to a few of them who had turned up and they seemed geniunely nice. Strangely, it was hard to say goodbye to people I barely knew, but i know I will remember them for their antics. Saying goodbye is hard and it is something I do not like doing.

Speaking to my therapist yesterday made me realise what kind of life I've had in Sheffield. It lead me to the question - do I really want to leave? In some aspects, yes I do - I'm wanting to move down to London, but it's too expensive. I'm not wanting to move home because of difficult family stuff. I'm not sure what my options are now, and it could mean staying in Sheffield for another year.

But i have too much on my plate right now. Everything needs to slow down.

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Never forget who you are, as you may regret it in the future.

My mind has been fried by everything that's going on both here in Sheffield and back home.

I'm so very tired of everything. And the easy option of escaping everything is hardly the easiest.

The smell of Spring in the air says Summer is on the way.

Something that I cannot wait for.

Some news is difficult to handle.

Today has seen many changes in my life.

My old housemate came back to visit with his girlfriend. Before he left us this year after his grandma had died, I had a connection with him. And tonight I found out why. I've realised he makes me feel better about myself. I got on with him so well before he left us, and it was great to see him again today. I feel as though I've lost a great friend, someone who I can talk to about anything. As I leave uni this year, I shall miss him.

As I write this now, tears come to my eyes.

Today, my mother called me to see how things were going. It was kinda like a urgent call, like disaster had struck and there was nothing to do but plan for the future. She had told me about some things related to her health. Although I was half listening, I knew what was going on. I want her to be better and I hope she is. She is very confident in her health, whereas I am not right now. I am scared. Scared.

I don't wanna lose her right now. She is my rock. And I adore her so much as she has taught me a lot about life.

Please Lord...Please help her for me, as I cannot be with her during these days and weeks. Please look after her.

I beg you, for am I scared to lose her.

Breaking habits and lifting morale

I've learnt a lot about myself in the hour.

After talking with one of my univeristy friends, I've gathered there is a lot to do right now but I'm willing to work on it.

Since my trip back home just made me lose all the happiness I had recaptured back in my final days before Easter, I've realised I've gone back to the way I was all those months ago - miserable, unhappy, depressed, sad, mad, broken. I'm sure there are a lot more but I don't wanna think of it anymore.

I've gone from looking after myself, feeling good about everything, to suddenly looking after everybody else, everybody telling me what their problems are. I holed mine up as I listened to theirs. I didn't want anybody to know how I was feeling. Why? Because I thought I could do everything myself. I didn't need anybody else's help. I didn't want people thinking I was weak, so I carried on putting on a smile like everything in my life was going well. Instead of changing myself, I wanted to change the people around me. Like I could mould them any way I could. But it's never that easy, and, quite frankly, it can't be done.

I tried to do that with you (yes you) and I'm sorry if I tried. But you have to realise I have needs too. Any changes you go through, I have to go through as well. Any changes I go through, you have to go through as well. And we both have to accept that we are changing, and we have to mould ourselves around it. I feel as though you're not keeping to your end of the deal - like you said, you gave up trying to help me and now feel you have to protect yourself. I never gave up on you. I always tried to make things go ok. But eventually I found that it wasn't working. I had failed.

I hope while we have our day apart we can think about what we both need and how we can sort this out.

I'm not going to lose you, not now.

The Sad Happy Song

Ed Harcourt - Something to Live For

She's moving like a forest fire
Leaving no path unscathed
Too young to be as jaded as I am
But old enough to feel the strain
I hope that I can hold on to
The beauty that I'll never match
That never-ending open wound
That started from a simple scratch

I want to save us from being saved
Before we get too old and waste away
Like some lovers destined to die young

And so through all the loss we've seen
Of friends who sit and think too much
Too fragile for the cold outside
Too proud to say what's on their minds
This is for the broken fools
Whose flames are gone before their time
And if you see me trip and fall
Save me from a swift decline

I want to sink beneath a drunken sea
Look into your eyes when you take the breath from me
There's always something to live for

Blue Skies and Grey Clouds

The sound of the sky booms with joy.
Sunshine. Grey clouds. Then rain comes down.
I let go of my umbrella to let my pain be released.
It never leaves.
I wish to be set free,
Like the rain in the sky today.