Restoration

Wednesday night saw a significant amount of truth be told. After a long night of doing my dissertation and editing most of it, Ashley and myself had a long talk about things that have happened in the last few months. It was a heated discussion but we both knew things had to change, and we're both happy to do it.

So now I've finished university and am about to go into the big world. It's like watchng Bambi learning how to walk. My mind is still messed up, and I can see why Ashley says she needs to give her brain a rest. During the whole uni process I've managed to lose myself and it was horrible. RIght now, I'm in that restoration stage where I'm trying to rebuild myself the way I was before. But I've found it's much harder to do it now, as I now go back into routine of helping my parents and looking after everybody. As well as that, I'm trying to look after myself at the same time.

Since I've come back home, I've heard nothing but bad news. I'll list them than go into detail about them:

• My headmaster at my old school recently committed suicide.
• Last week, Andrew, a grocery store owner, died of stomach cancer.
• My dad was experiencing some chest pains, yet seems fine now.
• My mum has to have an operation, after a series of tiny lumps were found.

That's all for now. There's probably more but I'm blocking them out, as a way of protecting myself. I think it's because I'm afraid. Afraid of change. Death has become something that is engulfing my life. It's not easy to escape from it when you read about it everyday. But hearing it from someone you love and care for makes the whole process even harder.

In other news:

Radiohead last Friday (19th May) was just amazing. I shrieked like a girl on some songs. After the gig finished, I was sweating like a pig then Jassen, a very good friend of mine, noticed I had blood on my shirt and on my bag. I also had cramp in my leg, so it looked like I had gotten into a fight and my left leg got beaten bad, and the rest of me was fine! I was still braindead and I wasn't as euthuiastic as I could have been. I've lost my sense of fun. I feel all numb.

I guess I won't be staying in Sheffield for the next year. Seems I have more pressing things to do here in Luton.

My journey to see Ashley will be later than planned.

So far, nothing is going right. I still feel out of sorts and I'm gonna have to come back to more shit. I don't want to lose my independence but I will eventually. Time to find a job.