These lyrics...

The red lights mean you’re leaving
The white one’s mean returning
Tell me how this story ends
And I’ll keep them fires burning

(taken from The Arcade Fire EP - Headlights Look like Diamonds)

This is a song on the Arcade Fire EP that makes my heart ache, in both a good and bad way. I heard this song but didn't take much note of the lyrics, until yesterday. In the last two days, I've realised that I don't want this relaxing holiday to end. Just the pain of leaving Ashley again overwhelmes me and I don't want it to happen. We both know it's coming soon, and I can tell we're both trying to fight it over and carry on like we have many many weeks to go. It's going to be hard but right now, I wanna spend all my time out with her.

Although I've had my breakdowns during this holiday, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time here and I feel I've learnt something about myself.

Firstly, depression is something that can be fought down to the ground. Realising that you need help is the first step, but never the last. I've had some painfull moments here, as I seemed to have lost myself in the spin of things.
Secondly, I know Ashley is the one for me. Despite everything we've been through I understand why it's normal. Not everything can be perfect, there has to be some flaws somewhere.
Thirdly, I'm growing up. And when that happens it's time to make some plans...Plans upon plans upon plans. I do wanna move on in my life now. Another stage of it has finished and another is yet to begin.

I'm not ready to leave Michigan yet...But there's money to be earnt back home now. I'm gonna miss Ashley so so so much. I hope one day she can spend a summer with me...Where the rain falls more than the sun comes out. But my god, I'm in love with her...And I shall be whatever happens. She has taught me a lot about myself, and I hope I have done to her.

To anybody who reads this, I hope you're well. Take care.

Heavy hearts and minds bring me down

Right now, I would like to just say blah.

I shall write more later when my brain power is near depleted - that's when I become weak minded and am willing to write anything on my mind.

Just one thing - thanks to anybody who actually passes by and reads my blog.

Leave and comment and make me feel a little more alive.

Two breakdowns and a head full of fear

Since my arrival into Ashley's home, I've been relaxing a lot, perhaps a little too much. But I guess it's needed since my university days ended all those months ago. However, as of recent, things from the past have started to haunt me and they refuse to leave me alone. As Ashley sleeps, and people in England are sleeping, this will be my place of refuge for now.

I find myself back to when I was near broken in my university room, crying and begging for help. Ashley helped me, but realising I needed to help myself, as I knew what was best for me, was key. I don't feel broken just yet as I have constant reassurance I'm doing well in life so far, from Ashley and from my family. I'm happy to be here, especially with Ashley around me most of the time. Right now, i don't seem motivated to find a job. Sure I'm holiday and should be relaxing, but I should really get a head start on things. I feel like a failure right now and it scares me. Why do I feel like this? Because my head is messing with me and I find it difficult to dispose of those demons that torment me. I now feel as though my life has no history to it, so people can see what factors were tearing me apart.

I now know I need to find a therapist to talk things over with. But the problem is, I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing someone knew and retelling my whole story over again. What is worse is seeing someone I know and seeing them in the middle of town, or at a restaurant. The whole feeling makes me uneasy and I'm not sure if I can do it.

However, a job is currently going at my university (Graduate Trainee Volunteer Co-ordinator), pays well and I'll be back in Sheffield again, possibly being the student I never was. But I would have access to therapy once again, and to the career services. And the possibility to make new contacts into the film world.

But maybe this whole idea of script writing for the rest of my life is a bad idea. Perhaps it could be a hobby or a side job I do whilst I flip burgers at McDonalds...I kid, but seriously though. The idea overwhelmes me, and it seems people are rooting for me now. I just need a break...Be somewhere secluded, or go travelling some places. Ashley and our love life is my inspiration...Ashley especially as she has to put up with me while I'm being a little bastard. She has taught me a lot about love and she remains close to my heart. Regardless of whether we break up or not (but I have a feeling we won't), I shall always love her because she has made my life better, and I have to thank her for it.

I guess I'm faced with several challenges now, all of which will put me to the test and see if I can handle the pressure, tears and drama of finding a job. The stress is a fucker, and after reading a friend's blog, heavy amounts of stress can cause cancer...Holy crap.

Wish me luck, as I know the journey will be long and hard. I've not given up on my script - I have ideas whirling my head at the moment, some of which do bring tears to my eyes.