Two breakdowns and a head full of fear

Since my arrival into Ashley's home, I've been relaxing a lot, perhaps a little too much. But I guess it's needed since my university days ended all those months ago. However, as of recent, things from the past have started to haunt me and they refuse to leave me alone. As Ashley sleeps, and people in England are sleeping, this will be my place of refuge for now.

I find myself back to when I was near broken in my university room, crying and begging for help. Ashley helped me, but realising I needed to help myself, as I knew what was best for me, was key. I don't feel broken just yet as I have constant reassurance I'm doing well in life so far, from Ashley and from my family. I'm happy to be here, especially with Ashley around me most of the time. Right now, i don't seem motivated to find a job. Sure I'm holiday and should be relaxing, but I should really get a head start on things. I feel like a failure right now and it scares me. Why do I feel like this? Because my head is messing with me and I find it difficult to dispose of those demons that torment me. I now feel as though my life has no history to it, so people can see what factors were tearing me apart.

I now know I need to find a therapist to talk things over with. But the problem is, I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing someone knew and retelling my whole story over again. What is worse is seeing someone I know and seeing them in the middle of town, or at a restaurant. The whole feeling makes me uneasy and I'm not sure if I can do it.

However, a job is currently going at my university (Graduate Trainee Volunteer Co-ordinator), pays well and I'll be back in Sheffield again, possibly being the student I never was. But I would have access to therapy once again, and to the career services. And the possibility to make new contacts into the film world.

But maybe this whole idea of script writing for the rest of my life is a bad idea. Perhaps it could be a hobby or a side job I do whilst I flip burgers at McDonalds...I kid, but seriously though. The idea overwhelmes me, and it seems people are rooting for me now. I just need a break...Be somewhere secluded, or go travelling some places. Ashley and our love life is my inspiration...Ashley especially as she has to put up with me while I'm being a little bastard. She has taught me a lot about love and she remains close to my heart. Regardless of whether we break up or not (but I have a feeling we won't), I shall always love her because she has made my life better, and I have to thank her for it.

I guess I'm faced with several challenges now, all of which will put me to the test and see if I can handle the pressure, tears and drama of finding a job. The stress is a fucker, and after reading a friend's blog, heavy amounts of stress can cause cancer...Holy crap.

Wish me luck, as I know the journey will be long and hard. I've not given up on my script - I have ideas whirling my head at the moment, some of which do bring tears to my eyes.