Former selfs

Over the last few days, my mind has been wondering back to the days back at my old school, then through university until now. My life has changed considerable; sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. But I do wonder when I would revert back to old habits that I have acquired throughout my life. Because the last few days I've been doing that.

My bad moods this week have changed things, only minor things, throughout the family. Things that we had in the past have come back again in a new form (we got new kittens), and yet again it brought back some horrible memories that I would rather forget. There are plenty of things I'd rather forget, but it's had such a profound effect on my life it's not easy to just let things die down.

Then it makes me wonder how some people can just let events, that have had a profound effect on their lives, just pass over them and continue to carry on their lives like nothing has happened. Do they just have a day where they let it all out?

Right now you're probably saying to yourself, this guy seriously needs to let go of things and get on with his life. I wish I could just 'let things go' and go about my life. But I can't. It's as simple as that. You can probably tell someone that bad things happen all the time and to forget it ever happened. But saying that only causes more pain, and it hits a nerve.

There are events I wished had never happened, and just when you think it's gone, a certain twinge brings it all back and you start feeling really shitty and find there is nothing to do, but attempt to live it out. Unfortunately the shittiness over-rides everything and the pain settles in.
I cannot help but think what my life would be like if the things dragging me down didn't happen. I'm terrible at letting go of the past, but the question is....When do I?

The Struggle

The last week has been rather slow, yet quick in the way that it's really been 'slow' in disguise. Looking back at that sentence, I've realised it makes no sense but I'll leave it. Anyway, this week has seen some changes and some no changes.

Firstly the changes. I've done well to keep looking for a job whilst juggling other things that I do throughout the day. The problem is, no one in my family really believes I'm looking for a job and really I'm just messing around on the Internet. Seems they like to trust me. And by doing so I don't trust them back. Ok, yes I trust my mother and perhaps my sister. But my father and my brother, not so much. It's just something I've grown up with and perhaps something I will not be able to change.
I've been looking at this job at a place called Cheerful Scout, who prepare DVDs for various companies and are now expanding. Thus a job opening. My initial reaction was, "I'll apply for the job, what is there to lose?" and then moments later, "Gah, what if I get the job? I just have a feeling I won't settle down properly and get all paranoid." This was the way I was thinking, but after a brief conversation with a best friend of mine he told me he was also afraid he wouldn't fit in at work. But after time everything was OK because he got consumed the amount of work he had to do, and he made some friends at work.

So now I'm gonna go for the job although it's not what I'm looking for. Although I'm never sure what I am looking for and I'm being too picky with my job hunt. It's something to start with, and plus it says it's great for a recent graduate. I'm still young and I have time.

Ok now onto the not-so-much-changes.
Judging by my last blog post, I did go a little insane. I was kooked up at home, sitting in front of the computer doing job searches and sorting out my CV. But then I got really fed up with myself after my sister said I needed to make some major changes to my CV. You know when you think something you've done seems to be pretty good, and then someone shatters it by saying you need to change some crap - it makes you feel so shitty doesn't it? That's what happened to me. However, she took it one step further and compared me to a good friend of mine. That really fucked me off and I just exploded inside after she left for work.

It is clear no one in my family understands me (and I s'pose it would be quite hard too), which is why I prefer to be left to my own devices. I need my space and my independence. When I get down, I can get it bad - my eyes go all droopy and suddenly I'm all tired and I can no longer fight for anything.

And yes, y'day I did think of the ol' D.I.Y escape business, which is bad of me to do. I need to somehow gain my mood back and get back into the swing of things. Because right now, it's horrible.


I need help.

Sighs

Just a big fuck you to family.

Seriously, just a big fuck you.

None of you understand me so why should I bother anymore?

Do you see how my fucking mood changes ever so suddenly?

This is what it is like to be me. Something none of you seem to understand. NOTHING.

So fuck off.

My life, you electrify my life.

It's coming to just under a week since I got back from the States. It's been quite painful but keeping busy with finding a job and all that is helping. Ashley is helping me too (she sent me a long email of jobs that I can apply for - that's how darn helpful she is! Thanks babe), so we're still sticking close together as normal. But I guess things aren't the same with someone next to you. Nevertheless, we seem to be making plans over who will go where come Christmas and Summer 2007. Ashley is still very much a part of my life and it makes me happy to have her with me and supporting me in whatever I do.

So this is more of a thank you to Ashley. No matter what we say to each other when we fight, or how we disgust each other sometimes (haha I kid), I will still love you and support you in every way I can. Perhaps be a sugar daddy and give you money for grad school! BUT WE SHALL SEE!


Anyway - some script update for you. I've been mulling over scenes but as days go on, I come up with new ones. It's a story of loss of love and new love and how we often compare each relationship we have. It seems very real in my head and I'm determined to complete this as soon as possible (whilst finding jobs and stuff).

Anyhoooooo - take care. Hope you're well.

*There are some new photos up now. Sorry I've not tagged them or added them to it's seperate folders. I gotta pay more for that! and I'm nto rich!*

When you know you're growing up.

On Wednesday the 9th, I made it back to the UK ater a rather hurtful leaving at the Detroit airport. However, all was not going well for catching my final plane from JFK. Now JFK is a HUGE airport, with terminals located around a loop of rail tracks. My arrival into JFK was pretty simple, but from there it began to get worse. I arrived early for luggage collection and waiting around for it to start. When the luggage did start to come (I had two pieces of plane luggage to collect), i waited for about 30 minutes for the first piece to come...The other never made it. No one from airport staff was around to help me, but a little birdy had told me that the conveyor belt had been jammed with luggage, yet no news about how to go retrieve it seeming as another 3 flights were coming in. The conveyor belt for the luggage stopped and I waited around for it to start back up again. When it did, my suitcase still wasn't there and I had another hour and half until my flight left. So, I trekked around trying to find people to help me and someone shouted out to me to go follow her and this guy. I follow them and the guy says, "I have your luggage." It wasn't until he went to the computer terminal that I realised he was actually working for the airport! Instead of being a passenger and taking the wrong suitcase. We ended up trekking back to the airport's luggage collection, which was a good 10 minute walk. By this time, my plane was leaving in an hour and I had to rush to catch my plane.

Catching the Air Train was a huge pain in the ass. Because every check in place in the airport was a good 10 minute run from the station. I get to the check in place, only to be told that I was at the wrong one. Then I head to another check in place, only to be told that I can't check in here and had to move to the international check in place around the corner. By this time, my flight was due to live in 45 minutes. Telling a member of staff this, I get told that my flight had shut the gate and that I had to be at the gate an hour and half before the due flight time! Most airlines don't even do this, so it shocked me a little. Luckily there was a flight leaving half an hour later than the one I was supposed to catch, and I didn't have to pay a charge for missing my flight.

Once on the plane I was still a little uneasy and in the end didn't catch any sleep. I was worried about the pressure from my family, especially my brother, about finding a job and advancing my skills. Since I've been back I've been constantly trying to find a job, despite minor jet lag. However, things are never that easy in my family as I'm constantly lectured by my brother. As much as I love to go into details about things that have gone on in the past, I'd rather leave them be for now.

Being home just sucks all over. Everything seems so bland and gloom and doom. Nevertheless, on the positive side of things, I have a computer to begin my script. Ok, yes if you read in previous posts I said I was writing and getting it all done blah blah blah. But now I have more free time to write, and everything I've experienced over the summer has had a great affect on my writing. I do feel kinda special each time I write, and it makes me wanna write more. I'll be giving some minor updates as time.pages go along.

This is how I know I'm growing up. Because when things come at you at such a quick pace, you know you need to adjust accordingly. Yet in the end, all you can do is smile and laugh. Perhaps this is my new atitude now, because the stupidest things do happen to me, yet there is always some bright side to it. Although some of my growing up-ness is shielded from my family, they know I'm growing up and being a little independent from them. I'm still young and the world is so open at the moment that I can have my choice of what I wanna do. Sometimes pressure helps, but in the end it all depends on how much you want something.

One of my best friends in Sheffield txt me to say that she had been stalking me to see how I was, and that my blog has been read by a few of my old classmates. All I can say is it makes me feel good to know that people care about me, despite not knowing them that well. So for that, I say thank you to those who do read my blogs.

For now, take care. Hope all is well wherever you may be.

*I'll be uploading some pictures from my time in America to my Flickr account, which you can find on the right hand side.*

Remembering things

The last few weeks have been what I've needed, despite breaking down once or twice. But now I can only think to getting a job and almost readjusting to life back in England and perhaps how easy I've had it so far. However, I'm not ready to leave yet. Not just yet. I would do anything to stay out here and earn some money, and perhaps learn a new way of life. But I'm getting way ahead of myself for now.

My time out here has been about finding out about myself and how people perceive me. Although times have been rough, I feel as though there have to be changes in my life and decisions have to be made. But is this a sign of putting too much pressure on myself? Perhaps I'm not putting enough pressure on myself.

To be honest, I am a little afraid of the future...Who isn't? I've finished uni (perhaps do another evening course), graduation ceramony in November (doubt my parents could go), I need to find a job to start paying off overdrafts (and become more financially stable), and I need to grow up (in the sense that I'm slowly becoming mature, but am still immature).

Life throws at lot at you, but in the end, you are in control of your destiny.