Be one or the other, not both.
It's only the start of week, but problems I've encountered last week seem to be coming back for another dose. But with these problems, I seem to have come to some conclusions, yet no solutions, about what is going on with me.
The last week seems to have been an anger phase, for what reason I don't know. But I seem to have picked up on little things that have severely bugged me. These have grown into thoughts of smashing expensive things, or large things, just so I can feel satisfied about breaking something so big. Even though there are times when a cup is just as good. But I haven't done it yet. Perhaps the idea of breaking glass or cups just reminds me of how I've lost my sanity slightly, though I seem perfectly normal when I go see my friends. Seems like I'm too much for me to handle right now.
But I'm split into two minds now. I'm sure everybody does it but I talk to myself. To give myself security and a way to talk to someone. Since I've come home I've been unable to tell my family of my activities, and I hoard them all to myself. I realised this is because I fear judgement from them, and in the end I fear disappointment and eventually having to go through all the shit again.
Last week I started therapy. Although she seemed more insistent on getting her money, she seems good enough to help me. But as I sat through listening to myself yabber on...I began to wonder if this will actually help me, or will I fall into another deep trance of crappiness. What I've come to notice is that I've felt really good after a session, and three days later I will fall back into a trance. It's something I can't but do. I've tried to see the brighter side of things but I end up all disappointed yet again, which in turn builds up the anger.
I'm trying hard to change but I'm just tired of all this crap. I'm tired of having to hear other people's problems when mine do not get voiced at all. Is this the whole 'people walking all over me' thing? Am I just a doormat or am I being paranoid?
"How does one carry everybody's problems on their shoulders?", my therapist asked me. My answer - I don't know how I can do it, nor do I feel in control of everything. I can't be selfish because I feel guilty, and I don't like being judged by other people. It seems I wanna help everybody else and not myself - like my purpose in life is to make everybody happy and let my life suffer slightly.
But I should ask this question to people who know me and have met me: Do I seem different when I talk to you in person, than when you read this blog of mine? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
I don't really have much else to say. But it seems I can only be one person and not two, especially as they both conflict each other.
The last week seems to have been an anger phase, for what reason I don't know. But I seem to have picked up on little things that have severely bugged me. These have grown into thoughts of smashing expensive things, or large things, just so I can feel satisfied about breaking something so big. Even though there are times when a cup is just as good. But I haven't done it yet. Perhaps the idea of breaking glass or cups just reminds me of how I've lost my sanity slightly, though I seem perfectly normal when I go see my friends. Seems like I'm too much for me to handle right now.
But I'm split into two minds now. I'm sure everybody does it but I talk to myself. To give myself security and a way to talk to someone. Since I've come home I've been unable to tell my family of my activities, and I hoard them all to myself. I realised this is because I fear judgement from them, and in the end I fear disappointment and eventually having to go through all the shit again.
Last week I started therapy. Although she seemed more insistent on getting her money, she seems good enough to help me. But as I sat through listening to myself yabber on...I began to wonder if this will actually help me, or will I fall into another deep trance of crappiness. What I've come to notice is that I've felt really good after a session, and three days later I will fall back into a trance. It's something I can't but do. I've tried to see the brighter side of things but I end up all disappointed yet again, which in turn builds up the anger.
I'm trying hard to change but I'm just tired of all this crap. I'm tired of having to hear other people's problems when mine do not get voiced at all. Is this the whole 'people walking all over me' thing? Am I just a doormat or am I being paranoid?
"How does one carry everybody's problems on their shoulders?", my therapist asked me. My answer - I don't know how I can do it, nor do I feel in control of everything. I can't be selfish because I feel guilty, and I don't like being judged by other people. It seems I wanna help everybody else and not myself - like my purpose in life is to make everybody happy and let my life suffer slightly.
But I should ask this question to people who know me and have met me: Do I seem different when I talk to you in person, than when you read this blog of mine? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
I don't really have much else to say. But it seems I can only be one person and not two, especially as they both conflict each other.
posted by Tez @ Monday, September 18, 2006
1 Comments:
At 3:58 am,
Anonymous said…
Eventually feeling better for three days after will turn to four will turn to five will turn to six will turn to seven. The most important thing to remember is that you're not stuck, you can make changes. You don't have to feel like this if you don't want to. I'm confident that you can be the person you want to be again with some hard work. You know you have my suppport as always.
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