Brief update

This place is just painful sometimes. So I'm gonna keep it brief - using bullet points!:

• Went down to Brick Lane in London to see a man about an internship. Did I get it? No, because the idea got in my way. Nevertheless, I'm still going to help them as they get through this long stage of building up their company.
• I didn't get the Film London internship - how shitty.
• I feel like crap - I've got writer's block and bloggers blog and pretty much all round crappiness is affecting it.
• Misunderstandings fucking suck. Full stop.
• Having my feelings disregarded also sucks.
• Catching up with an old school friend - very good.
• Feeling left out reminds me of being at uni and just staying in my room.
• Going back to uni this weekend to see friends...Kinda scared. Too painful.
• People I've left behind - hard to get in touch with them or they don't reply back to txt messages.
• I suck at getting in touch with people, so I do apologise.
• Letting go of all bad things - difficult.

This pretty much sums it all up.

I suck.

Night. Hope you're all well.

Be one or the other, not both.

It's only the start of week, but problems I've encountered last week seem to be coming back for another dose. But with these problems, I seem to have come to some conclusions, yet no solutions, about what is going on with me.

The last week seems to have been an anger phase, for what reason I don't know. But I seem to have picked up on little things that have severely bugged me. These have grown into thoughts of smashing expensive things, or large things, just so I can feel satisfied about breaking something so big. Even though there are times when a cup is just as good. But I haven't done it yet. Perhaps the idea of breaking glass or cups just reminds me of how I've lost my sanity slightly, though I seem perfectly normal when I go see my friends. Seems like I'm too much for me to handle right now.

But I'm split into two minds now. I'm sure everybody does it but I talk to myself. To give myself security and a way to talk to someone. Since I've come home I've been unable to tell my family of my activities, and I hoard them all to myself. I realised this is because I fear judgement from them, and in the end I fear disappointment and eventually having to go through all the shit again.

Last week I started therapy. Although she seemed more insistent on getting her money, she seems good enough to help me. But as I sat through listening to myself yabber on...I began to wonder if this will actually help me, or will I fall into another deep trance of crappiness. What I've come to notice is that I've felt really good after a session, and three days later I will fall back into a trance. It's something I can't but do. I've tried to see the brighter side of things but I end up all disappointed yet again, which in turn builds up the anger.

I'm trying hard to change but I'm just tired of all this crap. I'm tired of having to hear other people's problems when mine do not get voiced at all. Is this the whole 'people walking all over me' thing? Am I just a doormat or am I being paranoid?

"How does one carry everybody's problems on their shoulders?", my therapist asked me. My answer - I don't know how I can do it, nor do I feel in control of everything. I can't be selfish because I feel guilty, and I don't like being judged by other people. It seems I wanna help everybody else and not myself - like my purpose in life is to make everybody happy and let my life suffer slightly.

But I should ask this question to people who know me and have met me: Do I seem different when I talk to you in person, than when you read this blog of mine? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

I don't really have much else to say. But it seems I can only be one person and not two, especially as they both conflict each other.

Tomorrow is another day

Tomorrow sees the first ever therapy session I go to in just over 4 months. It's with someone new down in Luton - and hopefully no one that I've ever seen before in my life - but right now I'm thinking about all the pain I had to go through to establish what significant periods in my life have affected me most, and working from there. It's tiring and it's just stressful.

I've told mother about therapy. Whether my dad knows or not I don't care. It is difficult to explain things sometimes, especially in Chinese. Perhaps if I tell my dad that I am seeing a therapist to help depression cases then maybe he'll stop smoking and be a proper dad for once...Or fuck it, I'm far too late in helping him. The damage is done, yet it continues to hurt no matter how much I don't really care.

I have a long week ahead of me...And tomorrow is the beginning of the week to me.

Am I ready? Not quite. I'm still running things through my head.

To see where I stand, to know where my limits and boundaries are, to know when to give up all hope on someone in your own family.

This is it....Thursday.

The Breaking Point

The problem with job hunting is that it can be thoroughly frustrating, boring which then leads onto 'cannot be arsed syndrome'. Furthermore, when your parents ask you if your friends all have jobs and you say, "They have interviews coming up" or "they already have jobs"....Be prepared for a shit load of comparing, and pretty much how useless you are/you're not trying hard enough to find a job.

Right now I am up to this point.

My dad for the last few days has been saying how useless I am. Well, frankly if I'm that useless I might as well not be here. But I know better than that. So I'm gonna keep at finding a job. And if worst comes to worst, I'm flying back out to Michigan.

Two days I finally booked in for a therapy appointment (they're kinda hard to find in Luton). Myself and Ashley decided it was time - it has been nothing but misery since I've been back in the country. So next week will be my first appointment; I'm kinda excited but I'm more scared than anything else. Why? - Because it means starting everything over again and bringing back all those painful memories. But as the pain keeps building up, I'm sure I'm gonna go numb and nothing will matter anymore.

So wish me luck and bring me away from the numbness.

I don't really have anything else to say. My mind is just slowing down and I really can't be arsed with much for now. I'll be heading up to Sheffield to see old friends that I've left behnd, and maybe I'll look around for some jobs. Which reminds me to head to the careers services.

Hope you're all well.

Blank

I don't really have much to write in here right now.

Some things that have happened over the last week or so!:

- I had to email my sister, even though she lives in the same house I do, that I was getting depressed and I would be telling my parents sooner or later but how I was thinking of doing bad stuff to myself. (This has now past).
- I've gone astray off my job hunt and have become lazy in it. (This is changing slowly, yet surely).
- Had to attend my Auntie's 50th, which reminded me of being exceptionally drunk.
- Mother's birthday on the 30th of August: got her a Champagne Tea at the Ritz for 4 people and a leather address book (which I doubt she will use!)
- I've created a movie blog and I plan to keep updating it as soon as I can
- I've pushed myself to keep writing this Woody Allen-esque script. I am really determined to finish because it means a lot to me (a few of you will know what I mean. If you wanna know then just ask me).
- I went shopping at Bicester Outlet for some clothes, ended up getting a tie, Puma smart jacket, Cameroon training vest and my sister got me a Topman tie for £1!

This is all really. I've been neglected this blog because anytime I do come to write in here, my mood changes a lot. Hopefully you'll see me posting nicer blogs that aren't about life threatening situations.

Hope you are all well readers.