The Return

That's right. I think the depression is back now.

I feel like crap yet somehow manage to keep a smile on my face, through thick, thin and silences.

I think I'm just stuck in this position where I can't be happy if other people aren't happy.

This is it. I just know how the rest of my life is gonna pan out.

Do I give a fuck...A little. Just right now i wanna sit in a fucking slump and just watch the world go by. Please don't give me the "Life's too short...etc" crap. Because i just wanna be down. Guess I need a break from being happy.

Hope you're all well and in better spirits than I am.

Just a few things to update

OK, so this week was either my six or seventh session for therapy. Even though it's a short amount of time, I've felt good about myself - surprising huh? Especially as I read back on the crap I've written before. I've been through a lot since I got back into the country back in August. Now it's December, I can only look back and think, "what the fuck was I on?" Although most of my feeling good is due to sheer will power and less mind fucking power, last week I started taking St John's Wort (recommended by my therapist). It's helped an awful lot which is surprising.

But a few things have changed around here and, for me, for the better.

Few weeks ago, there was a huge argument at house that made my parents decide to split. But knowing what my dad is like, he decided to change his ways and be helpful - he quit smoking, he quit gambling (to a certain extend anyway). Only thing like that never last long. Last weekend I found a packet of cigarettes in his jacket. Pissed off as I was, I thought, 'that's it, i can't do anymore to help him." He went from being a dad to a father. I now only have a father. But I shan't be telling my mum and my sister of what I found. He can continue to play happy families until it blows up in his face. I shall just watch from the side and see what happens.

I'm still affected by stuff, but I seem to get back on my feet pretty easily now.

Other updates:

Ah yes, despite things with my father going haywire and heading to not talking, I've decided to write a script involving a son and his father who head on holiday together, to rediscover each other and hopefully reconcile their differences. Although other scripts I'm doing are as important, this is perhaps the one that means the most to me right now. It's gonna hurt like shit to do all of this. Any luck would be greatly appreciated.

Hope you're all well.

Life cycles

Today my mother told me that my grandma (her mum) had heart disease. She's just reached into the early eighties and its just hit her.

This news has a great hit on me because now I can't stop thinking about what will happen when my mum dies. It's an oddity when you tell someone close to you is seriously ill and there's nothing you can do about it.

For me, I've never had any experience of going to funerals, but, of course, it is something that'd I'd rather forget as quick as I can. It's just that I'm old enough to understand this whole death thing. It's rather daunting ya know...My head is now in a spin and I'm stuck or I feel stuck.

I don't know what to do.

Has anybody else been to a funeral? How did you feel? Were they close to you?

Hope you're all well.