Jumping into puddles

It's been a while Part II

2008-06-22T12:43:00.002+01:00

Following on from my recent post, I find myself in a different state of mind...Well, partially!

I've had an up and down kind of year thus far. January was a good month; February hit me hard with work issues etc...In fact that was all the way to May, where I was having second thoughts about leaving work and heading off somewhere else. I have had good news, but good news where nothing comes of it. It's a complete mind fuck as I find that the fate of my future at work is in the hands of other people. I can see why Ashley says she needs to be in control of things, and I completely agree - it is difficult to plan your own future when things never come to fruition.

I've decided to take action and just ask where my future lies here, as I do like it here - the people I work with are what keep me going - but I feel like I'm a failure to myself and others, particularly my family. It's coming up to the 11 month mark and I'm still making teas and coffees. But being positive for the moment; I do have my foot in the door. This is it; I'll be laughing when I'm in and doing things more than making teas and coffee. But then again, I'll be shitting myself when the year mark approaches and I'm still nowhere to be seen.

It's been a while

2008-06-04T23:35:00.003+01:00

Last publication - 17th October 2007 - holy crap that's a long time. Nearly a year!

Lots of things have been on mind as of late:

Work is becoming more of a chore than a career. Sure I'm where I wanna be but it seems that I'm doing the job, and doing the same job, because I'm good at it, not because it's an "entry position" and will lead me into other positions at the company. I'm finding the whole experience of being one of the longest serving runners to date quite embarrassing - people know who I am and what I'm capable of but they don't say anything (or not to my knowledge). It's starting to hurt me both mentally and physically. I'm suddenly losing my mind - I'm viewing things as numbers, yet can't even do simple division without turning to a calculator to do the math for me. I can't even do my Sudoku anymore because my brain isn't stimulated enough to do it. Either this is my fault for not doing any other activities outside of work, or I'm just so focused on getting my career started at work and it is all I can think about.

I think it's a little bit from column A and a little bit from column B.

If you're part of a running team, teamwork is absolutely necessary! That now seems to have gone out of the window, whereby now it seems like you're fending for yourself. OK, yes, the industry is a bitch to get into, and it's vicious, but does that mean teamwork should be avoiding completely? I'm getting tired of it now, the attitude of some people just grind my gears and it's clear they shouldn't be here.

So, I'm in a state of change now - do I stay or do I go? (Obviously providing I've found a new job!)

I'll post the other things that have been on my mind lately tomorrow evening.

Hope you're all well.

Life is like Lego Bricks

2007-10-17T16:30:00.000+01:00

You know what you're building towards, but sometimes you just get plain stuck.

I've been feeling like this for the past few weeks, but I can never understand why I'm suddenly in this position without fighting myself. I'm fucking off the whole update on my life thing because I'm bored of my life. But I shall say - I finally have a job at a post production facility in Soho - yay.

I've been on anti-depressants since February/March - I quit the whole scene of therapy because it only made me feel better for a day and then shit for the rest of the week - and they worked out really well. But since i started this job, I've been too busy to go pick up some more. I've been off them now for sometime and I can feel myself drifting off to other places. My mind is slowly falling apart and I'm struggling to piece it all back together. It's not the first time it has happened, and I doubt it will be the last.

I've not seen my friends who I don't work with for such a long time and I miss them. If you are reading this I do apologise for lack of appearances anytime anything has been planned. I understand this is the working life, and I'm in an industry that deals with working long hours, but sometimes you just need time to yourself before you fucking explode.

I'm gonna leave it at this because my brain has suddenly diverted its attentions to something else. This is how my life is.

I do hope you're all well. Let me know how youa re.

Perhaps it's time for an update

2007-07-03T02:49:00.000+01:00

So, here I am in the United States for another Summer, although it won't be as long as my usual Summer trips. Of course, a lot has happened before I came here, judging by my last post on March 1st:

1// I quit therapy after I came back from Hong Kong.
2// After quitting I felt worse, when I thought I was getting all better.
3// By the end of March, I was seeing a doctor to prescribe me some anti-depressants after I had thoughts of wanting to crash my car into another car; I wanted to head to the kitchen and grab a knife; social skills were suddenly going pear shaped and I was losing track of not only myself, but my friends and family.
4// I'm still on anti-depressants and I think I'm a lot better than I've ever been. It's been hard for my mum to cope with it - maybe it's hard for Chinese families to understand why this happens. Is depression more of a Western thing?
5// It took a while to get used to them but after a while I have coped and remembered things and smiled and laughed and socialised more. It's been scary, yet exciting.
6// My brother is off to Hong Kong next month to start a new job. It's been good to see him since he's been home and I just hope he copes ok out there.

I'm not sure what else has happened but I've pretty much summarised everything important.

Respect your elders....

2007-03-01T21:53:00.000Z

...is the shittest advice I have ever heard. I may of followed it during my younger years, but as you get older you'll realise it's become shit. Why do I say this? Because after arguing with my arsehole of a dad (who I no longer respect), he has no respect for me - and he made that clear with, "Your degree was shit; I don't care about your job hunting anymore" and pretty much going on the lines of "You're useless." Which has now brought me to consider killing myself, or harming myself in some way, or just leaving it, what I c all, "the bad domino" out of my life.

I don't know what else to say but, see ya.

The Hong Kong trip

2007-02-24T10:17:00.000Z

Having just got back yesterday, everything I ever did in Hong Kong remains fresh, and I feel it shall do for some time. Why do I say this? The journey has been rather spiritual, as well as informative and helpful in discovering more about who I am. Time away fro my family is what I needed in order to discover more about myself - you can see why people go off traveling for a year before returning home to find work etc.

The last time I went back to Hong Kong was 2003, and I can already see how naive I was back then compared to now (although some it remains). Inside, I am still a teenage kid - I'm not afraid to admit that - but I believe there shall be a time when I shall worry when I'm gonna get out of that phase.

The day before my flight (12/02) I realised I just couldn't be bothered to head over - as far as I was concerned, the trips were usually uneventful but still good fun. When I got to the airport, it didn't feel like I was leaving at all. It wasn't until I got through all the securities checks I realised I would be by myself and the trip was becoming real. Getting on the plane, I sat by the window and through sheer luck, I had a whole row to myself to sprawl out and use three blankets and three crappy pillows to make the pain of leaning against the arm rest go away. I can never sleep on planes, so I amused myself with Su Doku, reading and watching films.

As sunlight crept onto the plane, I knew I hadn't long til I arrived in Hong Kong. My appetite was going down, particularly as breakfast on the plane put me off entirely - a single sausage, rock hard bacon and what looked like cheesey potatoes but were really scrambled eggs. I was ready to get off the plane, but the nervousness made my lips dry and boredom hit me again. As I looked out the window, all I could see was water and tiny islands.

As the plane touched down, I do a little thing where I say, "Hello [name of country I've landed in]". I do this all the time, perhaps a sign that I'm actually here and the whole ordeal of flying 11 hours was not a dream. When you step off the plane, the humidity and heavy air hit you - you know you're in a different country and it's time to adjust. A few minutes walk, and I'm through passport control, got my luggage and out in the arrivals section. I'm a wreck, but my aunts and my father's friend clearly understand [note: one of my aunts had just arrived back into Hong Kong from England the day before; so it was undoubtedly hard for her to come back!].

On the road, my dad's friend has no clue which way to go. To make sure he can change lanes quickly, he takes up two lanes in case we miss our turning. Frightening I know, but it's the way people drive! After an hour of driving, I arrive at another of my aunt's houses. Seems I'm staying there the night, and have the room to myself. That night, I see another one of my aunts [note: I should say now that I have 7 aunts, all from my mum's side] ,whose husband is famous in Hong Kong for his range of Chinese medicines for aches and pains. Now, I've not seen them for ten years, but conversation seems easy.
Back at my aunt's house, I sleep 4.5 hours. I feel fresh yet still tired. I watch several movies to keep me awake, and then I'm onto the Internet to check my mail. I talk to Ashley for a few hours before getting ready to start my day. From now on, I don't know what date or day it is which has undoubtedly messed up my body clock.

The day went as follows: do some family business from 10-1; eat at another aunt's noodle place; go home to rest, then back out again to see my great aunt in Man on Shan, and see my cousins; watch awful Chinese film about cops, triads and drugs, where the ending makes no sense (or it did, but it seemed illogical); go home, sleep and then I'm awake at 6am.

Next day: go shopping for clothes and other things. Buy stuff for people back home. Then dinner, and more sleep.
16th - shopping, hair cut, bank stuff.
17th - head to Grandma's place up in the hills. Don't do much.
18th - Chinese New Year; big feast, see more family.
19th - Head back out to the city with my cousin.
20th - go to pray around my dad's temple in Sai Kung. Later, dinner with dad's old friend, who I get on with pretty well. He's a famous historian, specialising in Chinese history and the creation and destruction of villages. Very nice guy.
21st - Relax, do little shopping and do some small touristy stuff: Bruce Lee statue, and seeing the business district on Hong Kong island.
22nd - head to the business district for more sightseeing. But too tired to do anymore. Head to aunt's house to beging packing. End up just lazing around, making myself tired for the flight.
Flight at 11:45pm - sleep for NINE HOURS (the most I have ever slept on a plane). The remaining 4 hours feel like an eternity though.

So, that was my trip. I really didn't do anything that requires a lot of explanation. But you're probably thinking, 'spiritual? where did he talk about that?"

The whole spiritual stuff happened during and after CYN. It was being at prayer; seeing my grandparent's eyes light up when a dragon dancing team came to the village; it was lighting incense sticks and burning coloured paper. Even though it was a short trip, I learned this about myself:

I can be such a fucking burden sometimes. I did wonder how people could put up with me. My cheeky days as a kid (as people remember me most by) have now disappeared and I have grown up. I still stand by the fact that I like being alone, away from everybody, but such a thing is quite damaging to one's brain. I have lost touch with myself, and being in Hong Kong has made me realise a little more about who I am - from the culture, to being British and Chinese and how life is too shitty to watch everything slip away.

But thinking about all of it got me scared. That I may of lost my opportunity to fight back to gain what I have now lost.

Neon City Blues

2007-02-17T05:40:00.000Z

So, here I am in Hong Kong. Thought it'd be a good time (since it'll be coming up to a month since I last wrote in this blog) to update on things, and just let you know how I'm doing.

I've been out in Hong Kong since the 13th of February (back to the UK on the 22nd) and I've had fun so far. Being jet lag is no fun, especially as I'm waking up at silly times (4am, 5am, 7am) and finding that I'm doing nothing til a few hours later.

Since arriving here, I've realised how bad my Chinese has become over the last few years, and it seems now that I'm here, it feels like a refresher course. Infact, the day I got here I've been writing some form of essay about cultural differences (and it was never meant to turn out like that!) It's interesting so far, but right now I'm more concerned about my well being.

I've only just begun to realise how much of an asshole I really am (and yes, it's ok to tell myself that). I'm just a kid. Still am, at the age of 22. It does hurt to know that I am, but now I feel like I dislike myself more because of it. I don't think I like what I'm becoming, but is it too late to change? I don't know why I've become like this - I'm sure there are reasons but I can't think of any - but I do feel like I'm not doing anybody any help by being like this.

I'm slowly falling back into depression (very hard to remain happy around family) and I don't know what I can do about it. I'm just so sick of myself (and I'm sure I had a dream that I hung myself....either that or I was actually thinking it) and it hurts. Try telling that to my parents...Fuck it'd be hard. The last time I did that, I cried and my dad walked in asking me why I was crying and why I had to be like this all the time.

Other than all the shit that's happening here in my life, Hong Kong is good so far. I'm actually at my grandma's place....No she doesn't have the Internet! But I'm stealing someone's bandwidth from within the village. The weather keeps changing throughout the day- humid one moment, then cold (but not UK cold where you gotta wrap up lots). It's really odd to experience this weather here, as I've only really been back when it's baking hot.

Chinese New Year approaches fast, and the celebrations in Hong Kong are just wild. Cities have overdosed on the colour red and it just looks amazing. The way it works is, people in Hong Kong clean their houses and begin decorating their homes with Fat Choi decorations - much like us Westerners do at Christmas. After that, we buy flowers, oranges, chickens, and various other goods to celebrate the new year. People put so much effort into the celebration, and it just feels so real - to see people cram the streets buying various goods. The way of life is so different here, and it doesn't feel artificial - does that make sense?

I'll be posting some photos soon. But for now, I shall say goodbye. Hope you're all keeping well.

How things change

2007-01-21T00:02:00.000Z

It's funny how a smile on your face can change your day/week/month. After Ashley's visit this Christmas, I feel a lot better than I had anticipated. But you tend to notice things which will try and bring down your mood. For me, today it was two things: becoming someone I had been in the past (and not wanting it and straying away from it); and finding someone you had total respect for became a total asshole.

I'm beginning to realise that the times change a lot, and suddenly I'm having to readjust myself to it to acommodate it. I seem to be doing ok so far. As far as I'm concerned, 2007 is my year and I hope it turns out that way.

I really don't know what else to say. Just not being very interesting at this moment in time.

On a good note - progress seems to be slowly coming along with my new script. It's helping me by building a slightly stronger relationship with my family. I'll give you more details once I finalise all the synopsis/treatment stuff.

On another good note - wish me luck on this runner job I applied for.

Hope you're all well. Take care and keep on smiling.

The smile that never drops/The love that never ceases.

2007-01-09T22:48:00.000Z

After two weeks of fun, Ashley left my house on the 8th of January. It was sad, but thanks to Heathrow's Terminal 3 check in desks it kinda softened the moment of her leaving. We both agreed that with each year of us flying back to our respective countries, it's becoming easier but the sadness still lies within. I cried when I got home, just as I stepped into my room - and it wasn't because of the mess left within my room (the masses of empty Twix wrappers or packaging stuff). It's like you can see where your loved one has walked around. And the smell. Don't even get me started on it - it's just such a wonderful feeling, like your whole body kinda tingles and a thousand memories come back. It's one of the better things the brain is good at doing - remembering the good times over the bad, because the bad things can be tossed away without any consideration.

My year is just beginning: I've been making plans to get a job/get out of the country/get the fuck out of Luton and just live in London for a week/planning my screenplay (which is coming along just dandy, I'm already feeling the pain of it). It should be an interesting year, and I'm just getting started for it.

And my birthday is around the corner - the big 22. As my friend told me in an email today - "it's only goes down hill from here" haha. But I can't wait for some reason, even though I don't feel or look like a 22 year old. Guess it's the whole pushing myself forward bit, to get my life started finally.

Hope you're all well.

Shit is always happening around my place

2007-01-01T21:20:00.000Z

OK, it's time for a long overdue update.

So, we're now out of the Christmas Season and, to be honest, it just seemed like another ordinary day. But this year, there was a lot more happening. From Christmas Day to Boxing Day, my brother and sister (mother crying in tow) had a huge argument. Things were thrown, lips were fat, but the argument has eventually gotten solved. So ends a two year craporama of ignoring each other, like they were never brother and sister.

During these arguments, I had to hear from my dad how useless I was (although I'm bound to hear it at most times in my life, and I've begun to ignore it, it still hurts), and then listen to myself tell everybody (including mother) to shut the fuck up, and then carry on swearing about how I hate Christmas holidays because of this family and how we can never have an argument when we all get together as a family (it is true, I'm really out of the festive spirit and I'm happy with it.)

Ashley finally got here on the 26th, after leaving a friend's party with my brother to go pick her up. We were running late and I was panicking that she'd be at the airport not able to contact me in anyway. We got there just abouts after I did a lap of the terminal to get the blood flowing again. I was over the moon when I saw her, but was still angry about my brother making us almost late. It was well after midnight when we got home, and I had many gifts to open from her and her family - Guitar Hero 2, a Film Graduate's Guide to Finding a Job, a Natalie Dee tee, some PSP stuff (I'm picky about scratching shit), a penguin TY bear and miniture laptop (which has two character sing Christmas esque songs about how the laptop is breaking down).

We've been to a few places already but this is more like a relaxing Christmas for the both of us. I'm tired and and exhausted from all the bloody depression/family/job shite happening. Ashley is tired from her crazy ass semester (bearing in mind, she starts uni the day she leaves England). She got a 4.0GPA this semester, her first evaaaah! So I'm proud of her and she deserves this break. The 2nd sees us off to Stonehenge and Salisbury, and for the rest of the week just some random stuff in London.

I've had a lot of fun so far, but it's a shame that family stuff is always getting in my way and boiling my blood to the extend that I just wanna die.

My New Years Resolution? Maybe one or two things: This year will see Tez get his ass out there to find a job, and also to finish this heart felt script he has been planning in time for a script competition. This is it. This year will see my life begin (he smiles, in the hope that this will continue).

(Being a writer entitles me to third person talk) (Oh and to use brackets a lot).

Happy New Year guys and gals.

The Return

2006-12-14T00:07:00.000Z

That's right. I think the depression is back now.

I feel like crap yet somehow manage to keep a smile on my face, through thick, thin and silences.

I think I'm just stuck in this position where I can't be happy if other people aren't happy.

This is it. I just know how the rest of my life is gonna pan out.

Do I give a fuck...A little. Just right now i wanna sit in a fucking slump and just watch the world go by. Please don't give me the "Life's too short...etc" crap. Because i just wanna be down. Guess I need a break from being happy.

Hope you're all well and in better spirits than I am.

Just a few things to update

2006-12-07T23:15:00.000Z

OK, so this week was either my six or seventh session for therapy. Even though it's a short amount of time, I've felt good about myself - surprising huh? Especially as I read back on the crap I've written before. I've been through a lot since I got back into the country back in August. Now it's December, I can only look back and think, "what the fuck was I on?" Although most of my feeling good is due to sheer will power and less mind fucking power, last week I started taking St John's Wort (recommended by my therapist). It's helped an awful lot which is surprising.

But a few things have changed around here and, for me, for the better.

Few weeks ago, there was a huge argument at house that made my parents decide to split. But knowing what my dad is like, he decided to change his ways and be helpful - he quit smoking, he quit gambling (to a certain extend anyway). Only thing like that never last long. Last weekend I found a packet of cigarettes in his jacket. Pissed off as I was, I thought, 'that's it, i can't do anymore to help him." He went from being a dad to a father. I now only have a father. But I shan't be telling my mum and my sister of what I found. He can continue to play happy families until it blows up in his face. I shall just watch from the side and see what happens.

I'm still affected by stuff, but I seem to get back on my feet pretty easily now.

Other updates:

Ah yes, despite things with my father going haywire and heading to not talking, I've decided to write a script involving a son and his father who head on holiday together, to rediscover each other and hopefully reconcile their differences. Although other scripts I'm doing are as important, this is perhaps the one that means the most to me right now. It's gonna hurt like shit to do all of this. Any luck would be greatly appreciated.

Hope you're all well.

Life cycles

2006-12-04T22:36:00.000Z

Today my mother told me that my grandma (her mum) had heart disease. She's just reached into the early eighties and its just hit her.

This news has a great hit on me because now I can't stop thinking about what will happen when my mum dies. It's an oddity when you tell someone close to you is seriously ill and there's nothing you can do about it.

For me, I've never had any experience of going to funerals, but, of course, it is something that'd I'd rather forget as quick as I can. It's just that I'm old enough to understand this whole death thing. It's rather daunting ya know...My head is now in a spin and I'm stuck or I feel stuck.

I don't know what to do.

Has anybody else been to a funeral? How did you feel? Were they close to you?

Hope you're all well.

Family Reunions and The Crazies

2006-11-22T13:46:00.000Z

Aren't family reunions funny old things? On Sunday it was my uncle's 61st birthday. He left half way through because he couldn't get time off work and had to rush back for it. But while I was there, I realised that my life is pretty boring and how much I've changed over the last few months. Depression has taken it's toll on me - I'm trying to shake it right now and it seems to be working ever so slightly. I have nothing interesting to say to people anymore; it's like I'm failing to be myself because I have no idea who I am.

Friday just gone was my graduation day - happy day for all former students. My parents couldn't make the trip up, so I felt kinda bad being alone. I was the last one on the stage for my course and I had no idea I was!! Someone told me after that a few people cheered for me so it was nice to know people knew me, or had seen my drunken mug face somewhere around bars and clubs.

I don't really have much else to say. My mind is just blown to bits right now.

Hope you're all well.

This is my life

2006-11-14T01:20:00.000Z

This is an actual entry, rather than an update.

As I sit here crying, I no longer know who I am, or what I've become. These past few weeks have really killed a part of me and I'm having difficulty finding just where to start to fix these problems. Although I'm willing to fight on, the solutions are far from easy to come by.

It just reminds me of being back at uni (if anybody who knows me understands). I no longer feel quite so safe at home and it's hard to understand where I stand in my family.

Ironically, a friend of mine called me today. He reminded me of these people who had committed suicide over the last two years, like he had kept a long list. And now as I sit here crying, I've realised I no longer want to be just another name on a list of those who committed suicide.

That's all I have to say because it practically sums up everything I've experience over the last few weeks.

For now, take it easy. Mellow out. Eat some chocolate.

The big fuck yous.

2006-10-27T22:50:00.000+01:00

Sorry for the harsh tone but it's been too manic here over the last few weeks. Again, I'm gonna have to be using bullet point form because the depth of the reasons why I'm so fucking angry are really quite long, I don't think I have the patience for it. So here we go:

My parents almost got a divorce. My dad was so hell bent on doing it, but apparently he "learned his lesson" and has vowed not to smoke or gamble. My opinion...Fuck him. He's done this before and why my mum has decided to forgive him is beyond me.
I've now fallen out of with my sister because she also is a bitch.
I've not spoken to my brother for over a month.
I went to one of my best friend's house last week and noticed how well they get on. Yeah, our family definitely doesn't have that.
We got a new cat, I call her Georgie, everybody else has their own names for her. She's partially deaf, which my parents find extrememly hard to believe.
My script writing started up again, it's going ok so far. I've lost my inspiration and knack for it as I'm doing some transcribing work for a friend of a friend. Hard work, good pay.
Went up to Sheffield about a month ago. Did I have a good time? Hmmm, not really. Everything was just a mess. I had a good chat with a few people, but in the end I had just had enough. This made me reconsider my journey to my graduation ceramony in November. I'm still going, family is not going...So I'll be alone there.
Times I've thought about doing stuff to myself...Erm... I lost count but it was pretty low.
Is therapy helping - yes.
Is it time for escape?...Yeah near abouts.

Hope you're all well. I know it's been a long time since the last update. But I've neglected most things lately.

Out of routine

2006-10-05T22:03:00.000+01:00

So here we are again. Anytime I'm back here I feel no urge to write anything in it. All of a sudden I'm brain dead and I'm unable to explain things that have happened here. So, should I go into bullet point mode, or explain things in full paragraphs?

I'll use the paragraphs.

So last week, I had a crazy, rather dull/down week. A friend of mine came back from America, so I went to see him on Monday night. He was moving down to London to continue his studies in Biochemistry at UCL, and he asked me to go help him. So, drinking beer at 2am, we had the idea of moving his stuff down at 4am! We go down, and we wake up his two other flatmates who were clearly not impressed with the amount of noise generated. Unfortunately, Tuesday is my therapy day, and I missed it thank to lack of sleep (even though I thought I could get up).

Saturday, I went up to see my old housemates and two of my best friends there. I was half and half about going up, because I just have some bad memories there, but most are good. But the bad overwhelmed the good and made it a slightly funny. I saw my good friend Lv, who I can actually class as one of my best friends, despite his lack of returning phone calls! It was really good to see him and catch up on a couple of missed months.

I also went back to my old house, it was still a shit tip like I still remember it. Once I got into the house, that was it - I felt kinda bad. Nothing had changed whatsoever, and perhaps me going up was to see if anything had changed. I was largely disappointed because I just had the thought of going up and my friends would go out of their way to see me throughout the day, because being in a club isn't the best way to catch up. And by that time, the people I most wanted to see didn't have much to say. I did have a good time catching up with people, but it had to get worse.

Upon leaving the club, I had lost everybody and it was pouring it down with rain. Txting a few people, none of them got back to me. So I thought, screw it and walked back to the house by myself. When I got back, no one was in. I deicded to head home at 3am and stop off at a service station for some food. It wasn't until 3.30am that I got a txt from one of my old housemates asking me where I was, and that they had just got home. I mean, what the fuck? Why could you not txt me back when I txt you? This just made me feel like shit, and I was glad to be out.

By the service station, I had some food and during the night I had bad stomach pains. The food had fucked my digestive system over and I got a fever during the night forcing me to kip in the car. It was horrible.

The whole week was just crap.

So, what have I learnt from last week?

Well, I'm considering not going to my graduation - my family shan't be there, my friends will be occupied with their families, and going out after doesn't so exciting afterall. We'll see though.

Peace out. ( I don't wanna write anymore).

Brief update

2006-09-28T23:50:00.000+01:00

This place is just painful sometimes. So I'm gonna keep it brief - using bullet points!:

Went down to Brick Lane in London to see a man about an internship. Did I get it? No, because the idea got in my way. Nevertheless, I'm still going to help them as they get through this long stage of building up their company.
I didn't get the Film London internship - how shitty.
I feel like crap - I've got writer's block and bloggers blog and pretty much all round crappiness is affecting it.
Misunderstandings fucking suck. Full stop.
Having my feelings disregarded also sucks.
Catching up with an old school friend - very good.
Feeling left out reminds me of being at uni and just staying in my room.
Going back to uni this weekend to see friends...Kinda scared. Too painful.
People I've left behind - hard to get in touch with them or they don't reply back to txt messages.
I suck at getting in touch with people, so I do apologise.
Letting go of all bad things - difficult.

This pretty much sums it all up.

I suck.

Night. Hope you're all well.

Be one or the other, not both.

2006-09-18T23:01:00.000+01:00

It's only the start of week, but problems I've encountered last week seem to be coming back for another dose. But with these problems, I seem to have come to some conclusions, yet no solutions, about what is going on with me.

The last week seems to have been an anger phase, for what reason I don't know. But I seem to have picked up on little things that have severely bugged me. These have grown into thoughts of smashing expensive things, or large things, just so I can feel satisfied about breaking something so big. Even though there are times when a cup is just as good. But I haven't done it yet. Perhaps the idea of breaking glass or cups just reminds me of how I've lost my sanity slightly, though I seem perfectly normal when I go see my friends. Seems like I'm too much for me to handle right now.

But I'm split into two minds now. I'm sure everybody does it but I talk to myself. To give myself security and a way to talk to someone. Since I've come home I've been unable to tell my family of my activities, and I hoard them all to myself. I realised this is because I fear judgement from them, and in the end I fear disappointment and eventually having to go through all the shit again.

Last week I started therapy. Although she seemed more insistent on getting her money, she seems good enough to help me. But as I sat through listening to myself yabber on...I began to wonder if this will actually help me, or will I fall into another deep trance of crappiness. What I've come to notice is that I've felt really good after a session, and three days later I will fall back into a trance. It's something I can't but do. I've tried to see the brighter side of things but I end up all disappointed yet again, which in turn builds up the anger.

I'm trying hard to change but I'm just tired of all this crap. I'm tired of having to hear other people's problems when mine do not get voiced at all. Is this the whole 'people walking all over me' thing? Am I just a doormat or am I being paranoid?

"How does one carry everybody's problems on their shoulders?", my therapist asked me. My answer - I don't know how I can do it, nor do I feel in control of everything. I can't be selfish because I feel guilty, and I don't like being judged by other people. It seems I wanna help everybody else and not myself - like my purpose in life is to make everybody happy and let my life suffer slightly.

But I should ask this question to people who know me and have met me: Do I seem different when I talk to you in person, than when you read this blog of mine? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

I don't really have much else to say. But it seems I can only be one person and not two, especially as they both conflict each other.

Tomorrow is another day

2006-09-13T22:45:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow sees the first ever therapy session I go to in just over 4 months. It's with someone new down in Luton - and hopefully no one that I've ever seen before in my life - but right now I'm thinking about all the pain I had to go through to establish what significant periods in my life have affected me most, and working from there. It's tiring and it's just stressful.

I've told mother about therapy. Whether my dad knows or not I don't care. It is difficult to explain things sometimes, especially in Chinese. Perhaps if I tell my dad that I am seeing a therapist to help depression cases then maybe he'll stop smoking and be a proper dad for once...Or fuck it, I'm far too late in helping him. The damage is done, yet it continues to hurt no matter how much I don't really care.

I have a long week ahead of me...And tomorrow is the beginning of the week to me.

Am I ready? Not quite. I'm still running things through my head.

To see where I stand, to know where my limits and boundaries are, to know when to give up all hope on someone in your own family.

This is it....Thursday.

The Breaking Point

2006-09-09T11:31:00.000+01:00

The problem with job hunting is that it can be thoroughly frustrating, boring which then leads onto 'cannot be arsed syndrome'. Furthermore, when your parents ask you if your friends all have jobs and you say, "They have interviews coming up" or "they already have jobs"....Be prepared for a shit load of comparing, and pretty much how useless you are/you're not trying hard enough to find a job.

Right now I am up to this point.

My dad for the last few days has been saying how useless I am. Well, frankly if I'm that useless I might as well not be here. But I know better than that. So I'm gonna keep at finding a job. And if worst comes to worst, I'm flying back out to Michigan.

Two days I finally booked in for a therapy appointment (they're kinda hard to find in Luton). Myself and Ashley decided it was time - it has been nothing but misery since I've been back in the country. So next week will be my first appointment; I'm kinda excited but I'm more scared than anything else. Why? - Because it means starting everything over again and bringing back all those painful memories. But as the pain keeps building up, I'm sure I'm gonna go numb and nothing will matter anymore.

So wish me luck and bring me away from the numbness.

I don't really have anything else to say. My mind is just slowing down and I really can't be arsed with much for now. I'll be heading up to Sheffield to see old friends that I've left behnd, and maybe I'll look around for some jobs. Which reminds me to head to the careers services.

Hope you're all well.

Blank

2006-09-06T00:30:00.000+01:00

I don't really have much to write in here right now.

Some things that have happened over the last week or so!:

- I had to email my sister, even though she lives in the same house I do, that I was getting depressed and I would be telling my parents sooner or later but how I was thinking of doing bad stuff to myself. (This has now past).
- I've gone astray off my job hunt and have become lazy in it. (This is changing slowly, yet surely).
- Had to attend my Auntie's 50th, which reminded me of being exceptionally drunk.
- Mother's birthday on the 30th of August: got her a Champagne Tea at the Ritz for 4 people and a leather address book (which I doubt she will use!)
- I've created a movie blog and I plan to keep updating it as soon as I can
- I've pushed myself to keep writing this Woody Allen-esque script. I am really determined to finish because it means a lot to me (a few of you will know what I mean. If you wanna know then just ask me).
- I went shopping at Bicester Outlet for some clothes, ended up getting a tie, Puma smart jacket, Cameroon training vest and my sister got me a Topman tie for £1!

This is all really. I've been neglected this blog because anytime I do come to write in here, my mood changes a lot. Hopefully you'll see me posting nicer blogs that aren't about life threatening situations.

Hope you are all well readers.

Former selfs

2006-08-24T22:02:00.000+01:00

Over the last few days, my mind has been wondering back to the days back at my old school, then through university until now. My life has changed considerable; sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. But I do wonder when I would revert back to old habits that I have acquired throughout my life. Because the last few days I've been doing that.

My bad moods this week have changed things, only minor things, throughout the family. Things that we had in the past have come back again in a new form (we got new kittens), and yet again it brought back some horrible memories that I would rather forget. There are plenty of things I'd rather forget, but it's had such a profound effect on my life it's not easy to just let things die down.

Then it makes me wonder how some people can just let events, that have had a profound effect on their lives, just pass over them and continue to carry on their lives like nothing has happened. Do they just have a day where they let it all out?

Right now you're probably saying to yourself, this guy seriously needs to let go of things and get on with his life. I wish I could just 'let things go' and go about my life. But I can't. It's as simple as that. You can probably tell someone that bad things happen all the time and to forget it ever happened. But saying that only causes more pain, and it hits a nerve.

There are events I wished had never happened, and just when you think it's gone, a certain twinge brings it all back and you start feeling really shitty and find there is nothing to do, but attempt to live it out. Unfortunately the shittiness over-rides everything and the pain settles in.
I cannot help but think what my life would be like if the things dragging me down didn't happen. I'm terrible at letting go of the past, but the question is....When do I?

The Struggle

2006-08-20T00:01:00.000+01:00

The last week has been rather slow, yet quick in the way that it's really been 'slow' in disguise. Looking back at that sentence, I've realised it makes no sense but I'll leave it. Anyway, this week has seen some changes and some no changes.

Firstly the changes. I've done well to keep looking for a job whilst juggling other things that I do throughout the day. The problem is, no one in my family really believes I'm looking for a job and really I'm just messing around on the Internet. Seems they like to trust me. And by doing so I don't trust them back. Ok, yes I trust my mother and perhaps my sister. But my father and my brother, not so much. It's just something I've grown up with and perhaps something I will not be able to change.
I've been looking at this job at a place called Cheerful Scout, who prepare DVDs for various companies and are now expanding. Thus a job opening. My initial reaction was, "I'll apply for the job, what is there to lose?" and then moments later, "Gah, what if I get the job? I just have a feeling I won't settle down properly and get all paranoid." This was the way I was thinking, but after a brief conversation with a best friend of mine he told me he was also afraid he wouldn't fit in at work. But after time everything was OK because he got consumed the amount of work he had to do, and he made some friends at work.

So now I'm gonna go for the job although it's not what I'm looking for. Although I'm never sure what I am looking for and I'm being too picky with my job hunt. It's something to start with, and plus it says it's great for a recent graduate. I'm still young and I have time.

Ok now onto the not-so-much-changes.
Judging by my last blog post, I did go a little insane. I was kooked up at home, sitting in front of the computer doing job searches and sorting out my CV. But then I got really fed up with myself after my sister said I needed to make some major changes to my CV. You know when you think something you've done seems to be pretty good, and then someone shatters it by saying you need to change some crap - it makes you feel so shitty doesn't it? That's what happened to me. However, she took it one step further and compared me to a good friend of mine. That really fucked me off and I just exploded inside after she left for work.

It is clear no one in my family understands me (and I s'pose it would be quite hard too), which is why I prefer to be left to my own devices. I need my space and my independence. When I get down, I can get it bad - my eyes go all droopy and suddenly I'm all tired and I can no longer fight for anything.

And yes, y'day I did think of the ol' D.I.Y escape business, which is bad of me to do. I need to somehow gain my mood back and get back into the swing of things. Because right now, it's horrible.

I need help.

Sighs

2006-08-18T17:02:00.000+01:00

Just a big fuck you to family.

Seriously, just a big fuck you.

None of you understand me so why should I bother anymore?

Do you see how my fucking mood changes ever so suddenly?

This is what it is like to be me. Something none of you seem to understand. NOTHING.

So fuck off.

My life, you electrify my life.

2006-08-14T01:09:00.000+01:00

It's coming to just under a week since I got back from the States. It's been quite painful but keeping busy with finding a job and all that is helping. Ashley is helping me too (she sent me a long email of jobs that I can apply for - that's how darn helpful she is! Thanks babe), so we're still sticking close together as normal. But I guess things aren't the same with someone next to you. Nevertheless, we seem to be making plans over who will go where come Christmas and Summer 2007. Ashley is still very much a part of my life and it makes me happy to have her with me and supporting me in whatever I do.

So this is more of a thank you to Ashley. No matter what we say to each other when we fight, or how we disgust each other sometimes (haha I kid), I will still love you and support you in every way I can. Perhaps be a sugar daddy and give you money for grad school! BUT WE SHALL SEE!

Anyway - some script update for you. I've been mulling over scenes but as days go on, I come up with new ones. It's a story of loss of love and new love and how we often compare each relationship we have. It seems very real in my head and I'm determined to complete this as soon as possible (whilst finding jobs and stuff).

Anyhoooooo - take care. Hope you're well.

*There are some new photos up now. Sorry I've not tagged them or added them to it's seperate folders. I gotta pay more for that! and I'm nto rich!*

When you know you're growing up.

2006-08-12T15:04:00.000+01:00

On Wednesday the 9th, I made it back to the UK ater a rather hurtful leaving at the Detroit airport. However, all was not going well for catching my final plane from JFK. Now JFK is a HUGE airport, with terminals located around a loop of rail tracks. My arrival into JFK was pretty simple, but from there it began to get worse. I arrived early for luggage collection and waiting around for it to start. When the luggage did start to come (I had two pieces of plane luggage to collect), i waited for about 30 minutes for the first piece to come...The other never made it. No one from airport staff was around to help me, but a little birdy had told me that the conveyor belt had been jammed with luggage, yet no news about how to go retrieve it seeming as another 3 flights were coming in. The conveyor belt for the luggage stopped and I waited around for it to start back up again. When it did, my suitcase still wasn't there and I had another hour and half until my flight left. So, I trekked around trying to find people to help me and someone shouted out to me to go follow her and this guy. I follow them and the guy says, "I have your luggage." It wasn't until he went to the computer terminal that I realised he was actually working for the airport! Instead of being a passenger and taking the wrong suitcase. We ended up trekking back to the airport's luggage collection, which was a good 10 minute walk. By this time, my plane was leaving in an hour and I had to rush to catch my plane.

Catching the Air Train was a huge pain in the ass. Because every check in place in the airport was a good 10 minute run from the station. I get to the check in place, only to be told that I was at the wrong one. Then I head to another check in place, only to be told that I can't check in here and had to move to the international check in place around the corner. By this time, my flight was due to live in 45 minutes. Telling a member of staff this, I get told that my flight had shut the gate and that I had to be at the gate an hour and half before the due flight time! Most airlines don't even do this, so it shocked me a little. Luckily there was a flight leaving half an hour later than the one I was supposed to catch, and I didn't have to pay a charge for missing my flight.

Once on the plane I was still a little uneasy and in the end didn't catch any sleep. I was worried about the pressure from my family, especially my brother, about finding a job and advancing my skills. Since I've been back I've been constantly trying to find a job, despite minor jet lag. However, things are never that easy in my family as I'm constantly lectured by my brother. As much as I love to go into details about things that have gone on in the past, I'd rather leave them be for now.

Being home just sucks all over. Everything seems so bland and gloom and doom. Nevertheless, on the positive side of things, I have a computer to begin my script. Ok, yes if you read in previous posts I said I was writing and getting it all done blah blah blah. But now I have more free time to write, and everything I've experienced over the summer has had a great affect on my writing. I do feel kinda special each time I write, and it makes me wanna write more. I'll be giving some minor updates as time.pages go along.

This is how I know I'm growing up. Because when things come at you at such a quick pace, you know you need to adjust accordingly. Yet in the end, all you can do is smile and laugh. Perhaps this is my new atitude now, because the stupidest things do happen to me, yet there is always some bright side to it. Although some of my growing up-ness is shielded from my family, they know I'm growing up and being a little independent from them. I'm still young and the world is so open at the moment that I can have my choice of what I wanna do. Sometimes pressure helps, but in the end it all depends on how much you want something.

One of my best friends in Sheffield txt me to say that she had been stalking me to see how I was, and that my blog has been read by a few of my old classmates. All I can say is it makes me feel good to know that people care about me, despite not knowing them that well. So for that, I say thank you to those who do read my blogs.

For now, take care. Hope all is well wherever you may be.

*I'll be uploading some pictures from my time in America to my Flickr account, which you can find on the right hand side.*

Remembering things

2006-08-04T04:42:00.000+01:00

The last few weeks have been what I've needed, despite breaking down once or twice. But now I can only think to getting a job and almost readjusting to life back in England and perhaps how easy I've had it so far. However, I'm not ready to leave yet. Not just yet. I would do anything to stay out here and earn some money, and perhaps learn a new way of life. But I'm getting way ahead of myself for now.

My time out here has been about finding out about myself and how people perceive me. Although times have been rough, I feel as though there have to be changes in my life and decisions have to be made. But is this a sign of putting too much pressure on myself? Perhaps I'm not putting enough pressure on myself.

To be honest, I am a little afraid of the future...Who isn't? I've finished uni (perhaps do another evening course), graduation ceramony in November (doubt my parents could go), I need to find a job to start paying off overdrafts (and become more financially stable), and I need to grow up (in the sense that I'm slowly becoming mature, but am still immature).

Life throws at lot at you, but in the end, you are in control of your destiny.

These lyrics...

2006-07-28T15:22:00.000+01:00

The red lights mean you’re leaving
The white one’s mean returning
Tell me how this story ends
And I’ll keep them fires burning

(taken from The Arcade Fire EP - Headlights Look like Diamonds)

This is a song on the Arcade Fire EP that makes my heart ache, in both a good and bad way. I heard this song but didn't take much note of the lyrics, until yesterday. In the last two days, I've realised that I don't want this relaxing holiday to end. Just the pain of leaving Ashley again overwhelmes me and I don't want it to happen. We both know it's coming soon, and I can tell we're both trying to fight it over and carry on like we have many many weeks to go. It's going to be hard but right now, I wanna spend all my time out with her.

Although I've had my breakdowns during this holiday, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time here and I feel I've learnt something about myself.

Firstly, depression is something that can be fought down to the ground. Realising that you need help is the first step, but never the last. I've had some painfull moments here, as I seemed to have lost myself in the spin of things.
Secondly, I know Ashley is the one for me. Despite everything we've been through I understand why it's normal. Not everything can be perfect, there has to be some flaws somewhere.
Thirdly, I'm growing up. And when that happens it's time to make some plans...Plans upon plans upon plans. I do wanna move on in my life now. Another stage of it has finished and another is yet to begin.

I'm not ready to leave Michigan yet...But there's money to be earnt back home now. I'm gonna miss Ashley so so so much. I hope one day she can spend a summer with me...Where the rain falls more than the sun comes out. But my god, I'm in love with her...And I shall be whatever happens. She has taught me a lot about myself, and I hope I have done to her.

To anybody who reads this, I hope you're well. Take care.

Heavy hearts and minds bring me down

2006-07-17T19:09:00.000+01:00

Right now, I would like to just say blah.

I shall write more later when my brain power is near depleted - that's when I become weak minded and am willing to write anything on my mind.

Just one thing - thanks to anybody who actually passes by and reads my blog.

Leave and comment and make me feel a little more alive.

Two breakdowns and a head full of fear

2006-07-17T04:39:00.000+01:00

Since my arrival into Ashley's home, I've been relaxing a lot, perhaps a little too much. But I guess it's needed since my university days ended all those months ago. However, as of recent, things from the past have started to haunt me and they refuse to leave me alone. As Ashley sleeps, and people in England are sleeping, this will be my place of refuge for now.

I find myself back to when I was near broken in my university room, crying and begging for help. Ashley helped me, but realising I needed to help myself, as I knew what was best for me, was key. I don't feel broken just yet as I have constant reassurance I'm doing well in life so far, from Ashley and from my family. I'm happy to be here, especially with Ashley around me most of the time. Right now, i don't seem motivated to find a job. Sure I'm holiday and should be relaxing, but I should really get a head start on things. I feel like a failure right now and it scares me. Why do I feel like this? Because my head is messing with me and I find it difficult to dispose of those demons that torment me. I now feel as though my life has no history to it, so people can see what factors were tearing me apart.

I now know I need to find a therapist to talk things over with. But the problem is, I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing someone knew and retelling my whole story over again. What is worse is seeing someone I know and seeing them in the middle of town, or at a restaurant. The whole feeling makes me uneasy and I'm not sure if I can do it.

However, a job is currently going at my university (Graduate Trainee Volunteer Co-ordinator), pays well and I'll be back in Sheffield again, possibly being the student I never was. But I would have access to therapy once again, and to the career services. And the possibility to make new contacts into the film world.

But maybe this whole idea of script writing for the rest of my life is a bad idea. Perhaps it could be a hobby or a side job I do whilst I flip burgers at McDonalds...I kid, but seriously though. The idea overwhelmes me, and it seems people are rooting for me now. I just need a break...Be somewhere secluded, or go travelling some places. Ashley and our love life is my inspiration...Ashley especially as she has to put up with me while I'm being a little bastard. She has taught me a lot about love and she remains close to my heart. Regardless of whether we break up or not (but I have a feeling we won't), I shall always love her because she has made my life better, and I have to thank her for it.

I guess I'm faced with several challenges now, all of which will put me to the test and see if I can handle the pressure, tears and drama of finding a job. The stress is a fucker, and after reading a friend's blog, heavy amounts of stress can cause cancer...Holy crap.

Wish me luck, as I know the journey will be long and hard. I've not given up on my script - I have ideas whirling my head at the moment, some of which do bring tears to my eyes.

Flying officially creeps me out.

2006-06-29T13:58:00.000+01:00

Firstly, let me apologise for lack of blogging as of late. If you could only see how many drafts of posts I have in my inbox. Undoubtedly shows my lack of concentration and need to write anything.

So to get away from England and all the hubbub of English life, I have gone to see my girlfriend for 5 weeks - something we have been attempting to plan for SEVERAL MONTHS. I am now here, but it took a long time to get here.

On the morning of 27/06, I got up at 4am to check I had everything packed and ready to go. I had woken up my mum after I spent the night coughing (something I still have), who asked me why the hell I was up so damn early! By 5am, my dad's friend came round to take me to the airport. Now this guy has a reputation of being a little unsafe at driving. The last time he drove me to the airport, we went through a red light and almost got hit by another car. This time round, he went through another red light and took a corner at 35mph almost two wheeling it. This raises the question why - it's 5am! There is a distinct lack of cars on the road! Calm it down. However, he was driving after getting no sleep during the night, after he gambled with my dad in the casino til he came to pick me up.

Upon our approach to the airport, we almost went the complete opposite direction of the airport after steering into the wrong lane. So instead of Heathrow, we were heading toward Slough, famous for the BBC programme The Office. Luckily I pointed it out to him and he reacted to it a few seconds later - talk about slow reactions! Getting to the terminal was pretty smooth from then on.

After the drop off, I find the queue to the American Airlines check in - it was pretty long. 30 minutes of non stop Radiohead song kept me sane for the time being. After checking in and then going toward the gates, I found a few books to read (A Matter of Death and Life and American Psycho), and a new journal to write some entries in, I was ready to go. Gate 16 was where the plan was, so I headed in that direction. However, things were going to get a little odd, and I could sense the 9/11 hurtfulness in the air.

I was directed toward two tables, one where I was told to empty my pockets and the other where my bag was checked. The two people in front of me who were also checked were ethnic minorties. Told to take my shoes off, they were checked with a piece of cloth for any particles of a chemical kind. I was clean. Then it came to my bag - I had most of my toiletries in there and lots of stuff I had bought at the shops. I was clean again and went to go sit down.

When I sat down, I stared at the people getting their boarding passes. People who were sent to get checked were mostly ethnic minorities or lone travellers. Every 5 ethnic minorities came a white person. Does this not seem a little unfair to single out people? It hurts to see it and then to experience it as well. In the end, you cannot help but think that this is the way things will be on a trip to America.

Once I got on the plane, all I could think of was the film United 93. This pretty much explains how shit scared I was of the journey. Despite my ability to not sleep on planes, I managed to get 3 hours, on and off. The plane left Heathrow at 9.30am, 30 minutes late. Upon touch down at 11am, I would be cutting it fine to get to my connecting flight. Immigration seemed to take forever, and it wasn't until 11.45am that I would be allowed to collect my luggage and run to the Air Train. Asking an Air Train expert, I was told that I would need to travel to the central station, swap over and head to terminal 4. Telling her my flight was a 12.30 (it was 12 at the time) I was told to HAUL ASS to the terminal. And haul ass I would. Getting on two Air Trains, the second trip would make me feel very nervous and panic as I was heading back to where I started. Banging my head on the wall of the train, the train went around the corner and started to go through to the terminals. Readying myself to run to the check in, some security guard got in my way of the door and had to wait until his slow ass got off first. Running to the check in (after having to look at several boards as to where it was), this is how the conversation went:

Guy at counter - Where you flying to sir?
Me - Detroit, flight 1917
GAC - (to lady in charge) Are we still accepting passengers for this flight?
Lady - Yeah, it doesn't leave for another ten minutes.
GAC - Are you sure? What about baggage?
Lady - It doesn't leave for another ten minutes.

This carried on for another five minutes - one moron who didn't know when the flight was leaving. I mean quit holding onto the suspense!! After I got my boarding ticket, I ran all the way to the gate, only to be stopped and have my boarding pass checked by a black lady. "Woah woah woah, just slow down," she said. Erm! My flight is leaving right about NOW! "Your plane doesn't leave for another forty minutes." Right at this point, my face went into 'what the fuck' mode, to think I had run all the way from the stupid AA terminal to here, only to be told my stupid flight was delayed! UGH! I wasn't impressed.

Once I got on the plane, I got a huge headache and attempted to sleep it off in two hours. Except some little kid was kicking my seat, which got me all riled up for some shouting in my English accent. It stopped part way through, but still - PARENTS! CONTROL YOUR DAMN KIDS.

Getting off the plane at DTW, I was so happy. The weather was humid, but a slight breeze was drifting through. Not recgonising much of the airport, I saw a tram system operating right inside the terminal. It was very fancy!

Walking into baggage claim, I saw someone just standing behind a pretty big guy. It was Ashley. Oh maaaan! It was so awesome to hold her once again. We embraced for a bit, before walking hand in hand to the luggage pick up. I had finally arrived at my destination and it felt like home from home a little.

Nevertheless, I still miss home today. I am still stressed out and now with Ashley being slightly ill, I've had to look after her. I know things will get better ( I am here for 5 weeks mind you), and I know I'll still be in love. Right now, I need to unwind.

Pursuing the past

2006-06-14T12:32:00.000+01:00

As I sit in front of my computer, there is a family photograph sitting on top of the monitor (taken around the time I was 2 or 3).

Gazing upon it, I can't help but wonder where everything started to go wrong.

It's hard looking back at photos that are left behind in the backs of various drawers.

To see all the smiling faces and the happiness that once came into our lives, as a family.

And now I look at everything, and we're suddenly breaking apart.

What is one to do, but to accept change and to forget the past?

I'm scatterbrained right now, as I always find this blog rather hard to write now. I had begun writing entries before this, but they are saved as drafts. I'm losing touch with myself. It's not good.

Welcome home, so they say.

2006-05-30T23:59:00.000+01:00

After several false starts in attemping to write a blog, I think I should write this one.

Today, I left my university home and came home with all my belongings. What I had left behind in Sheffield was my student life (although my young handsome good looks can still pass for 18), my friends and part of my "real" identity as it were, amongst other things (late nights out, kebab shops, puddles of puke etc). Part of me knows that I will have a strong connection with Sheffield, because of all the crazy stuff I did there. My friends remain up there now, as I now stuck at home. Fair enough, there's no rent to pay, nor do I have to make a budget for a grocery list. But the little things I did at my university home can never be reciprocated back at home.

Guess the one thing I will miss most is my friends, as I have known them for 2-3 years and they have helped me through a lot of things. Growing up was the major one and I think I've done that (check). No matter how much I have bitched about my housemates and people around me, I have now come to realise it was my mistake - my depression and bitterness got in the way causing me to become negative toward them. Despite their behaviour from time to time, I think I've found some good friends. As for some of my coursemates, I was gutted not to have met some of them before, as they seemed nice and friendly. But two of my coursemates I have gotten to know very well - Rick and Gemma (see photos on Flickr). Rick I've known because I saved him from a geek with a huge DVD collection that could be stacked taller than Everest, and some girl who could be our grandmother. Since then, we've been through many antics together and it was good leaving university with someone I could trust. It's one friendship I will not break. As for Gemma, whatever she does I will support her in it. Although I rarely talk about her, she's a good friend, someone who listens and it's gonna be hard to see her face to face to talk about random stuff, and go have lunch with and that. It was at this time I felt independent, I had my own life. Then again I did fuck up on the way.

Now that I am home, I do believe it's time to make some changes. Though it will be hard, i believe it's the right thing to do now. Firstly this negativity and depression thing - it's got to go. It looms around me like dark clouds. It's time to become more positive now, and perhaps it's time to slowly move on, without too much pressure.

Knowing I have found some good friends, the task is now keeping in touch with them. And this is something I shall not give up, as I have done so in the past.

Restoration

2006-05-21T17:17:00.000+01:00

Wednesday night saw a significant amount of truth be told. After a long night of doing my dissertation and editing most of it, Ashley and myself had a long talk about things that have happened in the last few months. It was a heated discussion but we both knew things had to change, and we're both happy to do it.

So now I've finished university and am about to go into the big world. It's like watchng Bambi learning how to walk. My mind is still messed up, and I can see why Ashley says she needs to give her brain a rest. During the whole uni process I've managed to lose myself and it was horrible. RIght now, I'm in that restoration stage where I'm trying to rebuild myself the way I was before. But I've found it's much harder to do it now, as I now go back into routine of helping my parents and looking after everybody. As well as that, I'm trying to look after myself at the same time.

Since I've come back home, I've heard nothing but bad news. I'll list them than go into detail about them:

My headmaster at my old school recently committed suicide.
Last week, Andrew, a grocery store owner, died of stomach cancer.
My dad was experiencing some chest pains, yet seems fine now.
My mum has to have an operation, after a series of tiny lumps were found.

That's all for now. There's probably more but I'm blocking them out, as a way of protecting myself. I think it's because I'm afraid. Afraid of change. Death has become something that is engulfing my life. It's not easy to escape from it when you read about it everyday. But hearing it from someone you love and care for makes the whole process even harder.

In other news:

Radiohead last Friday (19th May) was just amazing. I shrieked like a girl on some songs. After the gig finished, I was sweating like a pig then Jassen, a very good friend of mine, noticed I had blood on my shirt and on my bag. I also had cramp in my leg, so it looked like I had gotten into a fight and my left leg got beaten bad, and the rest of me was fine! I was still braindead and I wasn't as euthuiastic as I could have been. I've lost my sense of fun. I feel all numb.

I guess I won't be staying in Sheffield for the next year. Seems I have more pressing things to do here in Luton.

My journey to see Ashley will be later than planned.

So far, nothing is going right. I still feel out of sorts and I'm gonna have to come back to more shit. I don't want to lose my independence but I will eventually. Time to find a job.

Race cars, annoyances and friends

2006-05-16T14:26:00.000+01:00

Like my friends, I'm neglecting this blog where it has become a personal diary rather than to actually inform anybody about anything happening in the world, or anything remotely exciting. It has been up and down few weeks, mostly downs, but I have things to look forward too in the next few weeks to bring me back up...Hopefully.

Coming up to the last few weeks of university (well, I finish on Thursday) I have begun to question who my real friends are here at uni and if they deserve my attention. For example my housemates, Chris I've known since September 2005, he's alright but he can piss me off sometimes; Joe and Rocco I've known since September 2003 and I enjoyed their company, but this year they've just pissed me off, and, in some cases, it's been more than I can handle. My breakdown back in February/March was a sign of it, and since then I've gone on and off happiness. My fear is depression is just going to engulf me, render me useless. Fighting it is hard, but it's something I have to do everyday. Yes, there have been times when I've wanted to just let go, but i feel there's something I need to do before I do.

Continuing on with my housemates, they're all living together next year and all I can say is good luck to them. They all seem to get on well enough, but for me it's been like prison and i've hated living here. After my ex-housemate left this year to go pursue his dreams of seeing his girlfriend in another country, I've had no one to confide in and generally just talk to without being afraid of what will be said. Although Rocco said he was there if I ever needed to talk, it's been hard talking to him because he's always hanging out with Joe now. It's like the school playground now - "Sorry I don't think you're cool enough to hang out with us. If you do you'll just be a burden." Sure I'm a little paranoid but when you walk into a room and they both go silent, you do wonder what is going on. Then when you leave the room, they begin to talk and laugh again. All I can say now is I'm glad I'm leaving. Where to, I don't know yet. But I'll be happy to get away from them both, as my life has been partly miserable because of them.

When you're paranoid and beginning to hate them, you pick up on annoyances. For Joe, he pisses me off by making this noise with his throat that sounds like a race driver revving his engine. For Rocco, his inability to find a girl, after his ex split with him last year. For Chris, telling me to break up with Ashley because "she's in another country etc". All I can say is fuck off and I think it's fair to do so.

I don't think I've found a long term friend here at uni. And it's a shame.

My life is drowned out by the sound of laughter.

It's difficult to find who I am now.

And so begins the long journey.

'The Tourist'

2006-05-13T11:56:00.000+01:00

Yesterday evening, I went to my Film Studies leaving do, where I met my coursemates (most of whom I have never spoken to, yet they know my name...) and my lecturers, or should that be old lecturers? I had fun meeting everybody and it was great to see some of the lecturers be totally red from the consumption of alcohol.

Being there yesterday made me regret a lot of things that I had not done over the last 3 years of univeristy, but the main one is knowing my coursemates better - I spoke to a few of them who had turned up and they seemed geniunely nice. Strangely, it was hard to say goodbye to people I barely knew, but i know I will remember them for their antics. Saying goodbye is hard and it is something I do not like doing.

Speaking to my therapist yesterday made me realise what kind of life I've had in Sheffield. It lead me to the question - do I really want to leave? In some aspects, yes I do - I'm wanting to move down to London, but it's too expensive. I'm not wanting to move home because of difficult family stuff. I'm not sure what my options are now, and it could mean staying in Sheffield for another year.

But i have too much on my plate right now. Everything needs to slow down.

Untitled (1)

2006-05-05T21:57:00.000+01:00

Never forget who you are, as you may regret it in the future.

My mind has been fried by everything that's going on both here in Sheffield and back home.

I'm so very tired of everything. And the easy option of escaping everything is hardly the easiest.

The smell of Spring in the air says Summer is on the way.

Something that I cannot wait for.

Some news is difficult to handle.

2006-05-05T03:49:00.000+01:00

Today has seen many changes in my life.

My old housemate came back to visit with his girlfriend. Before he left us this year after his grandma had died, I had a connection with him. And tonight I found out why. I've realised he makes me feel better about myself. I got on with him so well before he left us, and it was great to see him again today. I feel as though I've lost a great friend, someone who I can talk to about anything. As I leave uni this year, I shall miss him.

As I write this now, tears come to my eyes.

Today, my mother called me to see how things were going. It was kinda like a urgent call, like disaster had struck and there was nothing to do but plan for the future. She had told me about some things related to her health. Although I was half listening, I knew what was going on. I want her to be better and I hope she is. She is very confident in her health, whereas I am not right now. I am scared. Scared.

I don't wanna lose her right now. She is my rock. And I adore her so much as she has taught me a lot about life.

Please Lord...Please help her for me, as I cannot be with her during these days and weeks. Please look after her.

I beg you, for am I scared to lose her.

Breaking habits and lifting morale

2006-05-02T22:36:00.000+01:00

I've learnt a lot about myself in the hour.

After talking with one of my univeristy friends, I've gathered there is a lot to do right now but I'm willing to work on it.

Since my trip back home just made me lose all the happiness I had recaptured back in my final days before Easter, I've realised I've gone back to the way I was all those months ago - miserable, unhappy, depressed, sad, mad, broken. I'm sure there are a lot more but I don't wanna think of it anymore.

I've gone from looking after myself, feeling good about everything, to suddenly looking after everybody else, everybody telling me what their problems are. I holed mine up as I listened to theirs. I didn't want anybody to know how I was feeling. Why? Because I thought I could do everything myself. I didn't need anybody else's help. I didn't want people thinking I was weak, so I carried on putting on a smile like everything in my life was going well. Instead of changing myself, I wanted to change the people around me. Like I could mould them any way I could. But it's never that easy, and, quite frankly, it can't be done.

I tried to do that with you (yes you) and I'm sorry if I tried. But you have to realise I have needs too. Any changes you go through, I have to go through as well. Any changes I go through, you have to go through as well. And we both have to accept that we are changing, and we have to mould ourselves around it. I feel as though you're not keeping to your end of the deal - like you said, you gave up trying to help me and now feel you have to protect yourself. I never gave up on you. I always tried to make things go ok. But eventually I found that it wasn't working. I had failed.

I hope while we have our day apart we can think about what we both need and how we can sort this out.

I'm not going to lose you, not now.

The Sad Happy Song

2006-05-02T21:02:00.000+01:00

Ed Harcourt - Something to Live For

She's moving like a forest fire
Leaving no path unscathed
Too young to be as jaded as I am
But old enough to feel the strain
I hope that I can hold on to
The beauty that I'll never match
That never-ending open wound
That started from a simple scratch

I want to save us from being saved
Before we get too old and waste away
Like some lovers destined to die young

And so through all the loss we've seen
Of friends who sit and think too much
Too fragile for the cold outside
Too proud to say what's on their minds
This is for the broken fools
Whose flames are gone before their time
And if you see me trip and fall
Save me from a swift decline

I want to sink beneath a drunken sea
Look into your eyes when you take the breath from me
There's always something to live for

Blue Skies and Grey Clouds

2006-05-01T20:53:00.000+01:00

The sound of the sky booms with joy.
Sunshine. Grey clouds. Then rain comes down.
I let go of my umbrella to let my pain be released.
It never leaves.
I wish to be set free,
Like the rain in the sky today.

Those are fighting words.

2006-04-27T15:09:00.000+01:00

This is a story from Ashley, after she found Dexter, her cat, running around the yard chasing a tiny bunny.

"Ok picture this: I'm me, you're the bunny, Dexter is Depression, Moxy (Ashley's dog) is Stress, Tank (another of Ashley's dogs) is Worry. I see Depression chasing you and I go running out to save you. I am successful in getting Depression back in it's cage for now. The problem is that poor Tezzy is still stuck in the yard--also called negativity. So you're stuck in negativity with the threat of Depression, Stress and Worry coming to eat you up. So I try to get you out of negativity. I try to pick you up, but you're scared and you kick back and you run really fast. As soon my hands--or positivity, descend upon you to save you, you run. You're still stuck in negativity. I try repeatedly to take you out of negativity but run, run run. Eventually you get stuck between the fence and the garden box--so close to being out of negativity but you're get stuck and I have to nudge you to try to urge you out of the yard through the fence. But you get scared and go in the other direction. You go hide in the darkness under the machines behind the garage where I can't get to you. I try to shine a light in your direction, where ever you may be so that you're not too afraid in the dark. There's nothing I can do to reach you but tell you "It's ok,I know you're hiding because you're scared. You take your time to get out of there, I'll try to keep Depression, Stress, and Worry away from you. I hope you get out soon and find your way out of negativity" And then I'm helpless, there's nothing to do for the night. I have to go back into the house and hope that little bunny makes it out of the yard eventually before the dogs and cat have to go potty and sniff him/her out.

You see though, I was a bit mad at the bunny for running from me. I thought "why are you running from me! I just wanted to rescue you!" But then I realized that he/she was just running out of instinct, out of it's basic instincts. Running to protect itself is all it knows how to do. It didn't realize I was trying to help. It just thought that I was there to hurt it more. And that applies to you. I'm mad that you're running from me because all I want to do is help you. But being negative is your instinct, you don't know anything else so it's hard for you to find a way out of it. And me, who is trying to rescue you, I'm scary because you don't know I'm trying to help. So you run yourself in circles in negativity and think I'm as bad as Depression, Stress, and Worry.

You have ran yourself ragged and now you've been sitting in the dark. I've been shining my flashlight into the dark for you and calling encouraging words to you but you won't come out of the dark. I guess I've walked in the house now and am trying to keep Depression, Worry, and Stress away from you, though to vary degrees of success lately. But I know that D,W, and S will have to go back into the yard soon and they might just sniff you out. Most likely they will and have--they have good tracking skills. They can smell you on my hands. I'm helpless now. I just have to believe that you'll walk out of that darkness soon and make the choice to save yourself, find the hole in the fence of negativity and walk back into the real world. The world you belong in."

I do feel bad for making Ashley feel how she was that night she wrote this email to me. I actually cried when I did read it as I had no idea what my mind was doing. I hear one bad thing and my mind goes all negative, and becomes the much dominate voice. The only possible way of getting out of the funk is to sleep it off.

Since then, I've been positive and trying hard to fight off bouts of negativity. It's working so far. It's hard work but it's something I have to do, to make myself a better person.

Thank you Ashley. You mean the world to me.

Rosedale Road Redux

2006-04-24T23:57:00.000+01:00

Over the last week or so, I've had quite a lot of fun - doing work and then going out for a few drinks with two of my housemates, Joe and Chris. Last Saturday saw the three of us celebrating Joe's birthday, he's now 22 and we had a good night. After we had left the club, we decided to walk home as we had no money between us to get anywhere. We bearly got up the road before Chris said some things to me:

Chris: "You could have pulled in there tonight. Mate, your girlfriend is in another country probably doing the same thing."
Me (pissed off): "No she's not doing that."
Chris: "And how do you know?"
Me: "I just know she's not."
Chris: "Why? Is she ugly?"
Joe (butting in): "Calm down you two."
Me: "No, she's not ugly fucker."
Chris (quietly): "I think she is."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Chris: "Nah she's not ugly."

He seriously pissed me off so I stormed off by myself. So fucking dare he say that? I wanted to say back to him, "Your girlfriend is an annoying bitch or talks way too much. Plus you're only fucking her because you're lonely fuck." When I got home, I was pretty much ready for bed, so I spoke to Ashley for a little while. We ended up having a serious talk about everything that made me feel bad for the both of us.

In the morning, I was still running things in my mind about the night before and I had honestly felt that me and Ashley could have broken up the night before, because I was being such a muppet. We resolved our differences, because Ashley pointed out so crucial out to me: my depression was splitting my mind into negative manner, with not much positiveness left. Turns out my brain was picking at all the bad parts of her and turning me against her, when infact I had no need too. "You need to tell your brain that I am not the enemy."

Words over the past week have deeply affected me. Why? Because my mind is suddenly deciding to reject all positiveness about work or my life in general. It's hard trying to get back the positive I had before. Just all my hard work undone. Sunday also saw me get booted down again - after emailing my tutor some work, he told me it was a mess and to gain some structure into it. Now with the help of Ashley, who created a stunning outline for me to follow (thank you), I've been working on a new introduction, placing the key terms I would be using into it etc.

It's been a tough week and it's going to get tougher as we approach essay deadlines and what not.

Update - script

2006-04-21T21:43:00.000+01:00

After losing my head for about 3 weeks, or maybe more, I've just started to come back to my script. Watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind bloody well helps. It's brought back...feelings! It's such a wonderful film and deserves all the praise it's received. Writing has been difficult as of late. Attempting to write last night just made me realise how far I've come, and how much more there is to do. Hopefully the summer shall bring me some hope, as Miss Ashley will be helping me out.

In other news - I've contacted a musician, who goes under the name of Basement Ghost, from the Coldplay message board. He plays some wonderful music and I've asked him if he could pen me a soundtrack. These are his words:

"All I can say right now is 'Wow. That would fucking rock. Now how the hell do I write a soundtrack?!@!!' It sounds like a glorious operation."

His enthusiasm has inspired me to get writing now, and not leave him disappointed. Although he says he's willing to wait, I don't wanna leave him waiting around for the script. So I'm quite excited now! If you wanna check out his music, you can find it at here Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

"Come on, come on. Shout at the top of your voice to the clouds in the sky."

The whirlwind of life.

2006-04-20T21:38:00.000+01:00

ROB
That's your problem, man. You can't see
what you've got, only what you've lost.
Those guys are right. You are "money".

This quote is from one of my favorite films and it pretty much applies to me. I can only think of my rough childhood and how bad I really want it back so I can change things that I may or may not of done. People are right about me - I'm a decent guy. But there are times when I'm so miserable and down that I just hate myself and there's not much I can do about it for now.

Luckily I'm back in therapy tomorrow so I have to attempt to undo all my bad shit and get back to how I was before Easter. I felt great back then. Ok I'm a little happy now because I got some work done and I know how to scare myself into doing it. I s'pose I'm also happy because I feel like I've bonded with my housemates since I've got back from Easter, not that I haven't before. I remember I used to have so much contempt for my housemates because they didn't understand me. But now I understand where they are coming from and so I'm making time for them, even though I don't have much of it left.

It's hard being postive after there's been so much negativity roaming through my head. But as Rob from Swingers says, I'm only focusing on the negative and never the positive. Times are starting to look up a bit now. Emailing my tutor helped me today so he can help me find five thousand words to complete this dissertation, and forced me write some stuff down which is partially relevent to the subject!

I feel better writing this now.

"The whirlwind of life."

Stepping stones

2006-04-18T16:50:00.000+01:00

This is such an early post for me. Usually I'm gathering my thoughts at the end of the night. I guess I have a lot to say right now.

The last few days have not been easy, so today I decided to go clear my head with a walk.

(Note - all photos can be enlarged by clicking on them).

Taking a book, camera, post stick notes and two pens, I went up to my university (involves walking up a big hill), even though I knew it was closed, to take a photo of the city below. Feeling a bit awkward, I waited til the coast was clear before taking any photos.

This photo was taken when I was walking uphill. It has always been a heart pounding walk!

This was the view of the city from the top of the road. Welcome to Sheffield! I've always wanted to take a photo of the city on a clear day, but this will do. Along this stretch of road are some cats I like to play with. Me and friend have decided to name all of them, but we hardly see them anymore.

This was the view going back down the hill. I've always told one of my crazy friends, Rick (who has snorted washing up powder), to grab a trolley and get pushed down there. Sadly, he refused.

My housemates and I have always wanted to walk up here drunk as clouds in the air. You can see why we don't.

On my way down, I happened to see this written on a dustbin. It made me chuckle because Miss Ashley was telling me last night that I was gay for Liono from Thundercats.

If someone teaches me this Panthro dance, then I could so easily pull a cartoon character.

Also on my way down, I saw some potted plants that were starting to grow in these old pots. Hopefully no one was in their house spying on me whilst I took photos of it.

Summer is coming!

I like this one because it seemed the contrast of the colours had been changed by computer, giving it a much brighter feel to it. Just as I was coming up to it, a bumble bee had flew off after muchos sex with it.

After my walk down from the giant hill, I was ready to go home, yet seemed quite unfulfilled by the photos I had taken. Remember there was a park nearby, I decided to walk through it toward the playground.

This photo was taken just as a few spots of rain were coming down. No, bird flu is not coming to Sheffield.

I walked along to this small river stream and I sat down on a rock. I changed the music to some Sigur Ros and just watched the water flow down. I hunched myself up, knees on chest and I just took it the small amount of scenery around me.

This dog jumped into the water and he was quite cute. Don't think his owners were to pleased about me taking a photo of them throwing sticks at their dog.

On my way back out of the park, I came across this sheltered part of the river and it just made me wanna go sit down there and gather my thoughts of today's walk.

When I was younger I used to have hiding places around the house, from when I was scared to being in trouble. And this reminded me of my childhood.

What did I learn today from the walk? A lot of things about myself.

It is easier to go on a walk to move the thoughts out of your head, rather than holing yourself up in your room.
For being miserable, find something that makes you smile. Today just going around the park, I saw so many kids just running around, having fun on swings and slides.
Life is like stepping stones - you can try and move quickly through life, living it to it's full, but there will be a time when you're pushed back down again. Life is never constant, it flucuates and we're here to cope/deal with it.

That's all I have for now. I'm glad I went for the walk, it's helped me realise the beauty of everything big and small. There's more to life than being miserable.

(Thank you Ashley. You know why).

Shape up, snap out.

2006-04-18T00:13:00.000+01:00

Since I've been back to uni, I've been a bit of a bum - lying in bed doing a bare minimum amount of work and watching Lost and surfing the net. But today just lying in my bed, I began to ponder if I had the fun pushed out of me because of events that may have happened over the last few months. My room has now become a place where I store all my memories (good and bad), and I always lock myself in my room with my possessions and I just feel miserable. I do like having time to myself but I feel as though I've let myself go to waste and now the fun has been kicked out of me. Although there have been times when I've felt guilty about going out, because there are certain things I haven't done during the day/week/month/year.

My brain has always been on two wavelengths lately; again one is the voice inside of me - the one who is always right - and the other is the voice outside - who is wrong sometimes. The happy attitude I left Sheffield with, when going home for Easter, just disappeared without a trace. Things that happened back home have taken a bigger toll on me and I had a lot of things to consider. For example, I found out my father has stopped smoking because the doctor told him too. Should he smoke any more I could lose a father. The ironic part is that a few months ago, I decided to forgive him after hearing that he tried to quit smoking, but the whole fucking thing just went bad so I took away that forgiveness and now I despise him.

Is it wrong of me to do so, even though I have reason to?

I'm tired of having this thinking, and returning to this slump phase. But the next few weeks won't be easy. Then I'm done with my university life. Although my student card expires in 2007. Then a job then moving home and maybe moving out. I don't know what to do.

"I close my eyes, I see an island."

Growing up, moving on

2006-04-16T22:56:00.000+01:00

Friday night saw me telling my mother that I had been to the doctors to get a blood test for the whole depression thing. I also told her how I had been feeling lately (worn down, confused and generally ovethinking things, yet I was ok. Worried though she was about me, she told me when she was carrying me in her tummy she had also gotten depressed. She was vague on details, and I'm not sure if she went to see a doctor about it, but it may have just been having to work and carry me around (told you I was a burden). And there's me thinking that depression didn't run in our family. It did get me worried that if I were to become depressed again, I would eventually numb out everything and carry on with life. My mother seems like a happy person at the moment. Yes there maybe time when little things said can get her mad/sad/frustrated, but somehow she managed to gather up all that shit and forget about it. I just wish I could do that too.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna tell my mother about the whole doctors thing because there's nothing wrong with me. But why did I do it? Other than the fact it's hard to keep secrets from mothers as it is, I told her because this is my life, and there are just some things I cannot let go. The next day (Saturday), my father started asking me questions: are you ok; how have you been feeling lately; girlfriend on your mind? I just knew that mother had told him about my depression crap, and it just makes things worse. I don't really need him caring right now, he has his own shit to deal with right now. I've helped him as far as I can with his problems, now it is his turn to combat his own problems.

I feel like I'm growing up and am already to move on from everything. I have my whole life ahead of me, and I guess there's no need to rush it. There's a worry where I think nothing will go to plan as well I hope they would. Sure, we've all gotta start somewhere haven't we? It's wonderful hearing my friends say to me that I'm gonna write a mean first script. It's what I wanna hear, because it means I can't disappoint them and it makes me willing to work on it. FYI, I'm coming up with new ideas I had not thought about before, it'll be interesting to get them onto paper. Miss Ashley will also be helping me once I get my butt over to the States.

Other good things I've heard this week - I was speaking to a very good friend of mine (Jassen) who I happened to meet on a message board. He's just a great person and I'm happy to call him my friend. It was great to hear from him I was a good friend too, and that made my day as well. I was getting tired of thinking I was worthless, but I do feel like I'm having a positive impact on various people, each in their own different way.

The sunny weather has been keeping me good spirits lately - feel like I'm solared powered sometimes. Then again it makes me tired and not wanting to do anything. My dissertation, for instance, is kicking my butt right now. My thesis is constantly changing - think I should just get shit down onto paper before complaining. My sentences seem kinda fragmented, but it's nothing help from my tutor can't fix. I still can't believe he said it was good so far.

I feel like I've been drained of my positiveness since my week back at home. Like I had left everything behind in Sheffield, but coming back to it I can't seem to find what I had left behind. It's gonna take a little while before I get my groove back again. I miss it.

"Shut up and look up and look around. Everything awaits your next move."

Everyday, questions

2006-04-13T23:35:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking way too much. Bitch fuck ass damn thinking kicking my butt into hyperdrive that leads to thinking even more about why I'm in hyperdrive. I'm probably driving on the wrong side of the road in my mind.

Since I've been home working for my parents, people always ask me what I study and/or what I wanna be when I'm older. When I tell them, they have this look on their faces that says, "There's a subject like that?" or "Good luck trying to find a job." Reading faces is something I happened to pick up when everybody fucked me off. It's all in the eyes. These questions and their facial expressions really bug me. I kinda feel like a failure in one sense (not being a doctor or something else), but in other ways I feel like I have drive at the moment - I know I want to write scripts so I'm planning them and going to write them when I finish university. I wanna be one of those writers who can have a few beers with his friends and just write down endless bits of dialogue.

My dad seems to find that shooting down people's ideas, like me moving to London etc, is funny. Ironically he doesn't like it when it comes back to bite him in the ass. I'm fed up of his fucking attitude. Shooting down my ideas is a past time of his that he just happens to keep up. Guess he's always seen me as a failure, which is probably why he keeps it up. I'm out there to prove him wrong, and I can't wait. I feel like I need to move on in my life now.

But this raises the question - am I growing up too quickly for my own good, as I had not grown up by the time I was actually 18? I mean, growing up make things seem a lot clearer - you're more vocal, you speak your mind, you're thinking of marriage and kids with the boyfriend/girlfriend, you can poo in a public toilet without fear of anyway looking over the cubicle (this has not happened to me). As I'm finally getting the hang of growing up, I'm suddenly thinking of the next step in my life. My brain is just moving too fast for me to cope right now.

"Let go of your mind and be set free. The world awaits you with open arms."

Storms and stress

2006-04-11T23:48:00.000+01:00

Today has just been a news filled day for me.

First story: a few weeks ago now some Indian girl, without a driving license, managed to dent our car by backing into it. Her father had gone into a shop to buy some stuff, and when he came out he'd had seen what she'd done. My ma had seen the whole thing, as she had just gotten out of the car. From what I hear, the father now refuses to pay us anything as he feels it isn't his fault for denting our car, and it was none of our business.

Extension to the first story: today I hear more news about our case, with the father who refuses to pay up, from my mother. When she had told my dad about someone denting our car, he immediately said - "I know this guy who could do some insurance claim on it and we can get more money out of the guy!" As soon as I heard this, I said "Fuuuuuuuuck." It gets interesting though. So the Indian father had managed to find out we were attempting to get more money out of him, and went directly to this insurance guy and said to him to stop helping us and to help him since they were the same religion and ethnicity etc. This is why the guy refuses to pay up.

My sister's input: although she disagrees with the whole thing, she's had to help this claim go through because my dad was pissed that it was taking so fucking long. So this letter comes through the post this morning about this claim shit, and my sister has read it and signed it already. My dad looked at it tonight and read through all the pages and got to how much we could claim....£500-ish. His words: "That's not a lot of money."....We've gone through all of this for £500! I mean fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Was there any point?! It's just fucking money and we're exploiting someone! What's even worse is that if they ring the police to say that we've conned them, we could be fined and pay compensation to the Indian guy. My ma never told me the car had gone away for a month. NEVER. I assumed it was back in working condition, but oh fucking no. I want my car back because this has gone on long enough.

Second story: Over the last few years, my dad has changed a considerable amount. As I look at the family photo of us altogether, he looks innocent - looks like he wouldn't hurt a fly. But now, I don't know what the fuck has changed in him. But he's been stealing money from the till (aka money-we-make). Today I caught him stealing some, but I didn't say anything. I'm thoroughly pissed about that.

Third story: My dad asked me what I was doing this summer. I said I was going back to America to see Ashley, from late June to early August. The reason he asked me was because he has to go back to Hong Kong to sort out some business deal, and he told me to work. I mean fuuuuuck, go back in June when I'm here still and when you come back I'll go to the States. I didn't say anything else to him. I did wanna ask him a few questions - who is gonna buy your ticket? How long are you going for? Do you actually have money? I only know two answers to those questions - he has no money. Turns out my ma ended up paying for the tickets to Hong Kong when they went in Feburary, and for everything they brought back.

How does this all affect me? Well, I got my own shit to deal with but I feel I need to take this into my own hands and deal with it with immediate effect. But I can't. I have my own shit to do. And now I'm feeling the storms and the stress move in. I don't wanna be down again. But ever since I've been home I've been feeling like shit - hearing news of everything that's been going on, I'm disappointed.

A few months ago, I decided to forgive my dad for his actions because he was trying to quit smoking and cut down on the gambling. But now I take it back. I take it all back because I'm fed up of it happening again. I can't handle the shit right now. Not right now. I'm tired of it all.

In other news, a customer of ours, actor in films and tv, said he would ask if the production company he works for wants a runner for the next film. So that's something to look forward too if I get it.

"Grab your coat. We're off to brave the storm in another country."

Self containment

2006-04-10T23:43:00.000+01:00

This is the longest I've ever been back at home since Christmas, and a lot of stuff has happened since then. As much as I like getting my clothes washed and food being cooked for me, there are some things I dislike about being home. I shall list them rather than babble on and on:

My dad's flu has got him saying he's gonna die
My ma repeating things at least three fucking times
My sister has moods that range from good to very bad day to day
The computer is downstairs, so I'm prone to attacks via criticism or facial looks
Following on from four, I can't isolate myself like I would do at my uni house
The whole surrounding area is just a fucking mess.

I think that'lll do for now. And now for the explanations:

I wanna say to him, "It's your fucking fault for smoking." It hurts when he says it because there are people who do fucking care about him and that is his fucking family.
It's like a drilling mechanism for my head - I heard you the first time!
She can be really chirpy one minute then in a really pissy mood. I don't know what the fuck is going on.
Chinese whispers happens a lot in my family, my mother being the nosey one. I'd rather not hear these whispers or in fact any kind of criticism whatsoever. Although hearing it would make me less paranoid, I'd rather block the whole thing out.
I'm not comfortable at home - no wireless Internet, thus no isolation. I'm not used to it. It's gonna be a big shit fuck for me when I return home from uni.
I hate Luton. It's so fucking awful.

I need to be by myself for a little while. I need to isolate myself and do some work. I need to organise myself...London did not happen today, so must go tomorrow.

"Pack your bags, your clothes and your life. We're going on holiday to that place called the Sun."

"I was welcomed with open arms..."

2006-04-10T00:23:00.000+01:00

Gah, it's great being 21! Although I should not bully people younger than me. And patronise them. Or doing flying kicks to their heads for being so young. Saying that though, times do fly. Three years ago, I was invited to a BPWP ('birthday party with parents') by my friend Eva. I met a few characters there and just chit chatted, and some of them were just really young! So today, I go back to the same place, and I meet the same people I met three years before. Has anything changed? Not really - only one of them is going to Canada (aka Little America) to get away from England and some of the younguns have passed their driving test.

So, what does this mean? Nothing really. The ironic thing with me is - I hate change, but I dislike people who don't change. I don't mean a heavy amount of change like, "I went to Thailand to get a sex change" or "I got married and had seven kids. Came shooting out like a log flute." But I mean, the kids were still kinda immature, even though they were reaching 18. Ok, yes, people don't mature as quick as some other do (I sure didn't), but I think I'm at that stage where I wanna hear people talk about where they went travelling or what's making their lives busy now. Me thinks I've grown up a lot now.

In other news. I swear my time back home is the time I will actually a) hit a car or b) hit a person with the car. As I'm driving along today, lost as I am on the roads, this black guy runs toward my car flailing his arms like a bird taking its first flight into the air, while I'm thinking I have a body stuck in my grill. So I had to swerve round the fucker, then drive on. Thinking I had lost him, as I had lost myself on the roads, I turned into a petrol station and walked in to grab some directions. Unfortunately, on my way in I happened to see the same black guy stopping other cars, and I made the mistake of making eye contact with him. So the guy comes into the petrol station asking me to drive him to the train station and he would give me money.

At this point, I'm thinking I'm not getting out of here alive. The guy behind the counter told me to go read some map to get sense of the directions, and the black guy just followed me. He got frustrated at one point and demanded to look at the map to help me get out of there and to the party. But I still refused to drive him. Offering me £5 whole pounds to drive him, I asked him to get a taxi. But he said he lied and had no money. Luckily I ignored him enough for him to go outside and harass other people. He came back in again to harass me and some other guy, who helped me out of the petrol station...Thank fuck. The black guy ended up back on the road again hailing down cars with his bird wings.

It's been a rather crazy day. Tomorrow, London to do some research.

Mopeds, mothers and work

2006-04-08T23:17:00.000+01:00

Firstly, fuck mopeds. Fuck them all. Ok tonight I nearly hit one because his fucking light was just dim. Plus he was behind a damn truck. But it was my fault, as I didn't check out the road properly. My ma did and never told until after I turned. So either mopeds should be banned from the road, or I should. Vote now.

Secondly, mothers. Can't live with them - can't live without them. I like to think me and my ma get on pretty well actually, as she gave birth to me, gave me all the toys I wanted (yes I spoilt but I learnt my lesson as I got older), and now gives me money to survive through uni. She's been pretty cool with me since I got back. And now I don't have to tell her about my doctors appointment, it makes it even easier. However, I'm worried I am gonna fall back into depression and I'll have to fall back into routine of feeling like shit. I feel it'll come back sooner or later - dissertation and two essays coming up. Ugh. Should I fall back into depression, I know I can get out of it but kinda slowly. Ashley has been helping me cope, and I feel better. I refuse to get down.

Thirdly, work. Now my parents and customers of the shop have been asking me what was I gonna do after uni. I said find a job, but it's no easy feat. The money involved come vary from nothing to nothing and a half. I've applied for two jobs, I know I didn't get one of them and the other I'll find out this April. I do wanna move out of my parent's house and go into London, but I've no damn money. By the way, if you wish to donate some money then you know where I am.

And to finish, this is my parent's shop. If you have good eyes, you might be able to see my dad being lazy.

It's good to be home.

Letting go of fears and insecurities

2006-04-06T20:45:00.000+01:00

After everything last night, today was just a tiring day. Sleeping at 4.30am was hardly a good idea, as I had to get up for the doctors. For your infomation, I'm fine - no clinical depression, so now it's a continuation of therapy and heavy doses of happiness. The lack of sleep didn't really help when Joe came back all drunk and drugged up, yelling "FUCK!" at the top of his voice. Pretty much sums up the whole night really, depending really on how you say it.

Today, I've been to the doctors, did some more of my dissertation and looking for flights for my trip back over to see Ashley. I can't wait to be honest, but there's sometihng that scares me about the whole thing still and I feel I shouldn't really have it. The fear is this - we both don't have a lot of money so it's difficult to fly back and forth to see each other. As I'm looking for flights as I write at the moment, I don't wanna feel the pain I felt when I had to leave Ashley last summer. It hurts me to look back at the Summer and think of me leaving. But on the positive side, I had so much fun and I had a great time out there. It's stupid of me to think like I at the moment, but hey it was only momentarily. Perhaps we're both in the position to maybe find a place together, and I hope it's soon.

I'm happy where I am at the moment.

Ringing ears and drama on the dancefloor

2006-04-06T04:02:00.000+01:00

Tonight has been a rather strange night, which almost lead to cat fights between girls and girls making out with each other purely for fun (needless to say, Joe was there with phone taking pictures.) But tonight I felt different from previous nights I've been out before. Like many times before, I have attempted to rescue situations when they go entirely wrong. A friend of mine had recently run into a little trouble with someone and was none to happy about everything. I looked after her all night, make sure she did nothing stupid and all the other stuff I do. But tonight, I made a change - I made myself promise I would not get into the mess and attempt to sort out the situation. Instead I would be there just as a friend and not as a hero of some kind.

The question is - why did I do this? Why didn't I attempt to rescue the situation and salvage what was left my friend's friendship with another person?

First of all, I've made myself think that this is not my battle/not my concern. Sure I am concerned for my friend who doesn't feel too good about matters right now, but I refuse to get into it. Secondly, I hardly know my friend's friend, and it was best to keep out of it. Thirdly, I just didn't want to get in the crossfire of everything happening. Whatever happened tonight shall hopefully be resolved by the end of the week.

Tonight also made me realise how lucky I am to have Ashley. The amount of stick I get when people ask me why I keep such a long distance relationship becomes intolerable and I get quite fed up of it. It's hard for me when people refuse to accept my answers and tell me to "play away from home" as it were. But I don't do it. Why? Because I'm in love for the first time and it feels right and special. If people don't understand this, then all I say is fuck off. I'm happy where I am right now in my relationship. Sure it's hard, but it makes it more the worthwhile when you're in love with someone and you know it'll go far. All I say now is, I can't wait for the next few years.

Ashley - you have been ever so patient with me and I'm happy that we're happy at the moment. Sure there are times when we both need picking up, but I'm happy to help you pick you up off the ground and back to normal again. I love you very much and, right now, I don't want to be with anybody else. I'm happy where we are right now, and I can't wait til we move on forward in life. You are my sun, my moon and my stars at night.

Hand in hand we go.

Stories from the past numero uno

2006-04-04T22:26:00.000+01:00

So this is my family back in the day. Yes that is me in the stripey jumper sitting on his mother's lap. But looking at this photo just reminds me of what my family was like, and, of course, what I was like as a kid. For instance, I used to be such a chubby kid and look at me now. People who look at this picture do often ask me how I'm so skinny now. My answer - "Mother's cooking and high metabolism help me stay super slim." There are so many stories I want to share, but, for now, I'll give you one or two stories.

Now, I can't remember how old I was but I do remember it happening. My parents own a fish and chip shop (for you Americans, just Google it) and my family used to live in the back of the shop and above it. My parent's friends were all around us until they started moving away in more recent years. There was a family called the Tangs who lived about a minute drive away from us (about 4 minutes now, because of speed bumps, zebra crossings and the ocassional crazy ass driver who doesn't give a damn about him/herself) and they were hosting a birthday party for their daughter, Dora. My brother, sister and I were all dragged along to this party, expecting cake, Coca Cola and lots of cheek pulling. However, once I arrived I just wasn't used to the sheer amount of people there, who began to surround me and call me cute, and I began to cry. Upon seeing this, Mr Tang decided to take me home. Sitting in the back seat (actually the arm rest), quite content I was going home after my brief cry, I just happened to relieve myself in the back seat. I don't think Mr Tang had any idea until he got home, or smelled the stench rising from my own urine. To this day, I don't think my parents and the Tangs have ever kept in contact. Perhaps my own piss drove them apart.

Another story, and I'll try to keep it short. There was a time when I used to have fits of anger and just take it out on household objects. My sister once asked me to fetch her a pair of scissors from her room. Running upstairs to my parents bedroom I fetched the scissors and promptly brought them back to my sister. After she was done with them, she asked me to return them and I happened to get pissed off with the fact she couldn't return them herself. So when I went back upstairs to return the scissors, I was so annoyed that I cut a wire that runs throughout the house without knowing what it was. Later on during the day, a customer comes into our shop and says to my dad, "I tried phoning your shop to place an order but I couldn't get through." Upon hearing this, my dad was quite surprised and went to investigate the phone problem. He first checked the shop phone...No tone. Then secondly he went upstairs and found that the telephone wire had been cut. Needless to say, my dad found me and told me never to do it again...I wonder how he knew it was me?

I do miss my family when I'm up here in Sheffield. It's quite a shame that we're drifting apart now. Nevertheless, we're still a family and I'm happy to have them, despite all the bickering and the arguing that goes on.

"...I'd rather eat my own shoe."

2006-04-04T19:12:00.000+01:00

Over the last few days, I've been feeling kinda blah. Monday saw me meet with my dissertation tutor to discuss beating procedures into my work so far (aka moulding it into a good/great dissertation). He's liked my work so far, but is worried about my rather scambled paragraphs and sentences. My reason for this, other than I have done this throughout my entire life, it helps me work and get shit onto paper before working on it. Ok, yes, it's not a good method at all but it does help me to get ideas onto paper. Since y'day - I've watched a few films and am reading one book, but I really need to start getting my arse down to work. Maybe I'm one of those people who likes to leave work til later...But I guess I can't do it here since I could fuck up badly. My tutor was interested in the things I had to say, which made me quite happy. It just means I'm on the right track, but I have more chapters to work on. WORK ON DISSERTATION YOU LAZY POO.

Come on late nights...No doubt my housemates will keep me up at night by throwing toilet paper on each other and running around the house like chickens on fire. I do seem like I'm waiting for the final chance to do my dissertation.

To be honest, my brain has been fried lately and it's kinda stopped me from putting pen to paper/fingers to keyboard to screen. I need a final push to get my brain back into gear again. Going home this weekend won't help it - I just can never work at home. An impossible feat as it were. I'm hoping to see some friends around before we all go back to university. Think getting away from here will be fun.

In other news - when I finish uni and move out of here (wipes tear), I'll be going home to live under my parent's rules. Luckily two of my friends (they don't know each other) will hopefully be living and working London, and I've expressed my desire to leave home ASAP and get settled in the hussle and bussle of the London streets. Sure I'll miss my parents and I'll be back to see them. The streets of Sheffield just doesn't appeal to me anymore, but it's a lovely place. Just I have some bad memories here as well as good ones. The bad ones shall remain in Sheffield, whilst the good ones follow me around.

No time like the present

2006-04-02T22:27:00.000+01:00

After much pondering and a few pages of script written, now would be a good time to give you a brief outline of what my script is about and how it's going so far.

Well, for starters its working title is Jumping Into Puddles (it may change), and it's about this guy named Lennon who cannot get over his ex-girlfriend, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how many women he sleeps with, he just can't. My influences (film wise) have been Annie Hall, Garden State, and Swingers thus so far. Life influences...Well, Ashley for starters and just "studying" relationships as it were. It just seems like an interesting topic.

I haven't written anything in the last few weeks - I've been brain dead and I just haven't had enough time to write anything. Doesn't mean I've given up!

When Americans Come to London

2006-04-02T20:33:00.000+01:00

Over the last few days, I have been reminiscing over things that have happened in the past. Today I have been thinking about when Ashley came over from the States to visit me for two weeks during the Christmas period. She met my family who adored her so much, the day before she left she was given about 4-5 boxes of chocolate by my ma!

Hopefully the pictures will explain our emotional journey throughout the two weeks we had together.

From Michigan to London

(Just a small note - if you are reading this blog, please do post a comment.)

Clap your hands say yeah

2006-04-01T03:55:00.000+01:00

Today has been a rather good day. Though I didn't wanna get up this morning because I was tired and cranky. But as the day went on, it just got progressively better.

Firstly my first lecture in ten days - Take Care of My Cat was the film today - a film about 5 Korean girls who make every attempt to stay as friends by meeting up every month, but one feels totally neglected and isolated by her friends that she strays away from them. Unfortunately her grandparents die (her parents died when she was young) in a roof collapsing in their shanty town home. The police thought she did it seeming as she was the "sole survivor", but she attacked an policeman and ended up in juvenile hall. I found the film to be quite interesting, particularly as it can simply be related back to Western cultures.

Secondly, my therapy appointment was one of the best I've had since I started going. I told my therapist that she kinda used a shock tactic on me to go see the doctor about clinical depression. Told her I felt like crap since she told me, but in the last few days I had been fine. She said she was sorry for doing such a thing and it was never her intention. And it wasn't her opinion to tell me to seek help. It was on the advice she gets from her supervisor. The strangest thing was - I never said to her "It's ok" or "Don't worry about it". I'm usually like this with people when they are sorry to me, but it didn't happen today. Not that I don't trust her, but this time I knew she was wrong to go about things that way. During the session, I just couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Although I did die down from when I had to talk about my housemates (something about negative energy there). After that I told her about the past, and how Ashley is helping me lots through everything and that we've both changed for the better in the last year or so. She seemed happy and we had a bit of a laugh and it was good. I even left ten minutes early because I had nothing else on my mind.

Thirdly - I got the script back I wrote in the first semester, got 56. It's not great but it's good. Richard Shaw, someone related very well to British TV, marked my script. Unfortunately he found the relationship between father and son in the script wasn't developed enough (I had 30 pages to cram everything in!) But he was impressed with some of the visuals I used and my effective structuring. Looking over his comments, I never really thought about the negative aspect of it. Everything seemed to be quite positive and the script I could just rework on and just expand it further. Shame I didn't get a higher mark though.

I was wired to do some work today but I ended up watching films and playing games today. So that wasn't good. So press on tomorrow. Which reminds me that my dissertation tutor wants to see me about my work and where I'm heading to next on my chapter. To be honest, my work seems a muddle there; I'm just writing down everything I can think of before putting it in chapters etc. Not a good way but helps me in a way I only understand.

Ashley - I love you. Although we didn't get to talk much, you were very much on my mind today. It was cute when Kaylin came ooooover - me and her just seem to get on quite nicely. Assuming that I have a mental age of 2.3 years. I wouldn't doubt it that's for sure!! I hope you had fun at the play - I wish I could have gone with you. But tis bed time now. And puppy must sleep to keep his looks *awink*. I love you. Sweet dreams my darling baby. Niiiiiiiiiight.

Rest your head sleepy one, night time is here now.

The Laughter

2006-03-31T00:00:00.000+01:00

Joe has a rather funny laugh. Actually it was funny in the first year, kinda funny in the second year then not so funny in the third year. The reason behind this - well, he just seems to laugh at everything and nothing. It's gotten to the point where all I hear is laughing downstairs, when him and Carlo talk. I was kinda over it when me and Carlo talked, and I thought he would tell Joe what was going on. But I guess he hasn't. Or not yet anyway.

But it's come to the point where I just don't give a fuck anymore. I breathe in deeply and think (and say) I don't give a fuck. The guy can be weird with me all he wants. If he chooses not to understand me then fine. I can live with it. To be honest, he needs to open up his fucking eyes and learn to understand emotions. Perhaps the amount of alcohol he's intaken in the last few years has fucked him up allowing him not to feel.

I feel better today. Although it's not been a productive day - the illness has made me lazy. Yes that is a poor excuse, but do you blame me. Realised that tomorrow will be the first day I go back into uni after 10 days of not going...Has it been that long already?! Seems like months! But I'm on Easter break the week after and I'm gonna be doing my dissertation til it's dead and buried in the ground. And the two essays.

I'm sensing lots of late nights coming up now.

(1.07am edit)

Back in the day when me and Ashley were going out, we both kept diaries just to keep each other informed of what we were thinking and how we were feeling. Returning back to these tonight for a nostalgia trip, I've realised how much we've both grown up now. It was difficult for us, because, obviously, we lived so far away from each other and there were times were we couldn't talk (i.e I was getting drunk). Looking back, how times have changed ya know? We're both still here, still very much in love, but we're moving on in the relationship now. We talk about having kids together, living together, the pets we'd get (a bunny and a puppy...and I'll sneak a kitten home) and where we would live (Washington D.C if my scripts get bought up).

I've grown in a way now. I still have insecurities but not as many as I did have last year. I was afraid I was going to lose Ashley in a stupid fight, but I've come to realise that it's not the case anymore. I continue to grow up now, with Ashley by my side. Something has changed. And for the better. There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of how I've changed.

Being 21 does some weird shit to you.

The first stop

2006-03-29T15:12:00.000+01:00

Today I made the first step on the road to recovery. Sleeping was easy last night, until I coughed really hard and choked, and nearly threw up, on spit. What an awful feeling. Getting up was harder, but there seemed to be more determination in my actions. Actually getting up to shower to wash was less of a chore than it usually is.
Getting to the doctors was fine - didn't sweat as much as I used to. Guess the fever has gone and I'm getting over the flu. The fact I can finally breathe through my nose is the sign. I get there and it's busy. The doctor is running a little late with patients. By the time I get to see him, I'm quick with my questions and worries. I should have started off with the least of my worries, but instead I got down to the big guns and asked him about clinical depression and how it could be treated, and where I could take the bloodtest. Next on the problem list was my weight. Now I'm 5'10 and weight just over 9 stone I think. But I think I may gained the smallest amount of weight - just a few pounds, not too much. And last on the list the stupid flu, which is viral and therefore has no cure but rest and sleep and sleeep..zzzz.
The doc said that the blood test will help him decide what could be the problem with the depression and the weight going nowhere malarky. So now the blood test got done today luckily, there was an opening so I just took it. The results take a week to come back, so I've got an appointment for next week Wednesday to see the doc again.

Last night, I sent an email to my housemate Carlo as I found it hard to talk to him after Sunday. To be honest, I've been kinda harsh on them. Why? Because they don't understand what I'm going through or why I'm depressed. I saw Carlo today, he came into my room to ask what was going on and I just said that I understand why him and Joe get on so well (they're living together next year), and that I could be just making up stories in my head. Although he said I was getting paranoid, he did admit it was hard for them to talk to me because they don't wanna say anything to set me off. Although I've been fine, I didn't feel fine about the silent treatment. Only Carlo understands now. As for Joe. Well, I'm sure Carlo will tell him about our little talk.

But for now, I'm still going ahead with things. I feel like I've got my normal life back today. I'm in the work mood - two essays and one huge dissertation. I'm hoping that my tutor says that everything seems ok and in order. To be honest, it's just full of my own notes in bold and what to write. I can see the future - LATE NIGHTS AT UNI. It'll be interesting.

Thanks for stopping by.

Just another day

2006-03-28T17:30:00.000+01:00

I still feel like crap - Ashley thought it would be the mumps but my glands aren't swollen in anyway. Do I really have chubby cheeks? I'll have to post the picture another time.

So anyhoo, last night I had another attack of anxiousness about the whole clinical depression thing. I guess I only started crying because people said some great/wonderful things about me and I guess it's showing I'm human, and they look past the depression thing. It's not a flaw. I've come to realise that now. Every year before the Friday just gone, I lived my life day in day out without knowing anything about the depression, and I seemed to have gotten through just fine. But y'day was different; y'day was different in the way that I showed all symptoms of the depression. But today is different.

Ashley raised some questions about the aftermath of the doctors:

If I am clinically depressed, then will I take the anti-depressants?
If I'm not, then what will I do? Go back to how I was? Or will I make some changes in my life after the scare?

I've still not been yet. The doctors don't have me registered at their clinic so I had to go in today to do that. Other than being drenched by the rain, I was also drenched by my own sweat. Disgusting though it is, I still have the fever.

Today has been different though - I've started to plan my final two essays of university ever. So that's a start on things. As for my dissertation, well I hope my tutor doesn't throw the papers at me with red markings all over them. I guess it needs more directions - I'm saying that now, with only about 6 weeks left til the due in date. Thank fuck I don't have any exams. I wanna make a quick getaway after I finish.

Job wise - we'll see. I've yet to hear back from those two production companies. I hope they went through ok.

This is for Ashley - thank you for being patient with me. I know this is hard for you, to have our roles be switched over. I know I need to give you time as well, and I'm willing to give that without being too hard on you or pressuring you into making me feel better. To be honest, I feel fine right now. Sure I didn't go to the doctors today to get myself checked out, but, come tomorrow, I'll be more confident about myself. I'm ready to go through with things, and should it come to the point where I have to take the next step, I want you with me. I want you with me every step of the way. I think this will be our biggest challenge yet and I'm ready to take it on.

Like you said, I'm Mario.

Slow uptake

2006-03-27T21:47:00.000+01:00

Last night, when everybody except Joe and Carlo went to bed, I went downstairs to talk to them. Unfortunately I never got quite the response I really wanted. Joe would say how he took some anti-depressants, when he was drunk, for fun. So that rules him out. As for Carlo, well, he tried to be supportive, asking me about the anti-depressants and that. But in the end, it was too much for them to handle. They both seem to live in each other's worlds because they each other pretty well now. This leads back to isolation. When I saw them this morning, did they have much to say to me? Not really. Any of them provide some sort of support for me? No. Would I ask one of them to come with me to the doctors? Fuck no.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. Maybe I was thinking that they would take to it quickly, give me the support I need. Instead I get the silent treatment. So for now, I give up on them. It's just too difficult to think what I need them to do right now.

This morning, I woke up feeling like crap again - it's the flu. Missed yet another shitty lecture, where I just happen to learn nothing. I can't wait to leave uni and leave Sheffield. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice place but it's just not where I want to be. Why? Because I feel I have some bad memories here and it's not as though I've had the best time here. Where do I wanna be right now? I wanna be with Ashley, writing and just having fun. Away from everything here.

I'll leave this one without a resolution to my problems.

Good timing/bad timing

2006-03-26T22:27:00.000+01:00

Today was going to the day I told my housemates (Carlo and Joe) about everything that's been going since Friday afternoon. Although I had several occasions to tell them, the timing was never quite right. One moment, I'm eating noodles and they're talking to our neighbours. The next moment we're playing on the Playstation, so there was never a right time. Now is particularly not a good time as Chris has his girlfriend round and his friend, Matt, around too. I'm determined to say it to them later when everybody goes home or to sleep. However, one of them is drunk and is suspectible to saying anything he wishes without giving two shits. I could tell them tonight or tomorrow. But this brings about whether or not the casting aside begins. I already feel quite isolated from them already, as they like to hang around with each other and I get left out.

I've told my sister about the whole thing, and I just pray to God she does not tell my parents. It's an odd thing with Chinese parents, and the language barrier is a difficult one for me. "Hmm what's depression in Chinese?"...."Erm..." I need to book the doctors appointment next week, then he'll probably wanna see me again to explain the results.

Bring on next week. It's gonna be tiring. Sigh.

Seems we went forward an hour then

2006-03-26T02:39:00.000+01:00

Attempting to change my clock was just useless, as I had totally forgotten that us Brits had gone forward an hour in the world. So instead of 1.41am it's 2.41am.

To be honest, I'm quite scared about this whole clinical depression things. It's been a rough week (stupid cold to deal with, along with crazy dreams about countries fighting over land - remind you of anything?) and tonight just put the icing on the cake. I'm scared of what my parents would think. Especially as a old school friend of mine killed himself by jumping from his uni window. I don't want my parents to think I'm gonna go crazy and do crazy things.

You don't really notice that you're depressed yourself - you begin to think that it's just an off day. I had begun to think like this, but until I started going to therapy, my therapist noticed that I had begun to place myself below everybody else i.e my family, my friends. And everything that kept on piling up, I was always on the bottom. She told me to be more selfish; start placing me first. I did try, but guilt got the better of me and I gradually sunk back down again.

Next on the list of telling people that I may be suffering from clinical depression are my housemates. To be honest, it'll be very hard to go about it. First of all, they don't seem like the people who will take the news very well. Secondly, they'll probably end up casting me aside and probably can't wait to get rid of me. Besides, I'm not really enjoying their company in more recent months. Ever since my housemates decided not to come back to live with us, they're kinda down about it still. The hard thing will be for them to accept it, and this is who I am for now. I still stand by my beliefs that they don't like me anymore, but maybe I should tell them. We'll see.

Ashley has been helping me find some pamphlets for my parents to understand, as my Chinese is average for a BBC (British Born Chinese). Hopefully they'll understand, and they'll support me. I am tempted to email my sister now and tell her. Or I might wait til next week when I go to the doctors.

Life changes so quickly when a piece of news, which will affect your life, comes into play. Do I wish I had a time machine and changed all those times I was a pain in the ass? Not really. I just need some courage to deal with this depression. And when I'm ready, I'll kick its ass.

Thanks for stopping by.

First posts

2006-03-25T22:14:00.000Z

Ah the first post is always hard when starting a new blog. I did use my other one at myspace, but it's always rebuilding its server or some crap so I haven't been bothered to update it in recent days.

Few things you should know about me:

- My name is Terry, some people call me Tez.
- In my final year of uni at Sheffield Hallam, studying film studies.
- I hate my housemates, yet continue to survive their crappy silence (more on that latery).
- I'm currently write three scripts, although one of them is one hold - so two. One short, the other feature length.
- I have a girlfriend of about a year and 2 months, who lives in America.
- I love my music, I wish I could name the bands I like but that would take some time.
- When I was younger, 3-4, I accidently peed with excitement in some guy's nice new BMW.
- ...There's probably more but I forget or just can't be bothered. More the latter.

It's been a long day today - I've been ill most of the day with the cold. Couldn't sleep last night, what with a house party going on next door, noisy housemates and the sound of a vacuum cleaner on someone's bed. kept me up most of the night. Yes my housemates are stupid and crazy when they get drunk, but I don't like as much as I used to in the first few years of uni. In recent months, whenever I happen to walk downstairs, I am not acknowledged or I just happen to cut the laughter from their voices with my presence.

Y'day (Friday 24th March) my therapist recommended I see a doctor about my current emotion status, as I can be quite happy one time then sad the next. Unfortunately I could have clinical depression. I couldn't get my head round it at first, but after some helpful tips from my girlfriend I thought I would push the depression away. "Clinical depression is just a word, it can't hurt you," she would say. I'm willing to find go to the doctors next week and get my blood test done. But i'll probably feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. Nevetheless, I'm willing to try it.

News on Puddle Jumper script - it's going well so far. I'm in the stages of writing the key scenes, and when that's done it'll be time to piece it all together at some other stage. My short script (no title) is going to be entered into the British Short Screenplay competiion. So wish me luck, as I'm going to need it.

Thanks for stopping by.